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Behaviour/development

Why is DD behaving like this????

10 replies

Twinkie1 · 15/09/2006 13:52

I really need some advice about DD at the moment.

She is 6, beautiful, clever and loved very much. She lives with DH and I and DS and goes to visit her RD every other weekend and half of the school holidays. Recently she has been coming home in floods of tears and XH has literally had to shoo her to me - which as you can imagine is heartbreaking for me - its like she doesn't want to be with me and after spending tens of thousands of pounds and going through months and months of heartache to get custody of her I just feel like I am not doing well enough at being a good mum to make her want to be with me.

I know she only does fun things at XHs house, well his mothers - 3 years after the divorce and he has bought a speed boat rather than a house, thats the kind of wild, wacky, irresponsible man he is (as well as bveing a drunk!!).

I know part of it is because I am the one who has to make sure she is kept to a routine, I am the one who has to nag her to get her skates on in the morning or we are going to be late for school and to eat all of her porridge and all of the boring things but how can I make her see that I love her just as much as he does - I just think differently about how a child shuld be brought up and have DS to consider too.

Then last night she went out with XH and came back in floods of tears - he had taken her for dinner (not in his visitation but as she said she missed him I said he could take her out to dinner the Thursday before the weekend that he doesn't have her!) and then bought her a stuffed toy (£2.50 in ASDA) which apparently was the best thing that she had gotten for ages - nothing to say anything about the £60 I spent on stupid trainers with wheels in the sole that she harped on about and I caved in to last week!!

I just feel like I can't do anything right, I can't be as fun as him because I have to do all the important run of the mill feeding and educating and making sure she gets enough sleep kind of things.

To top it all off she went to XHs last weekend and came back on Sunday in such a state that I had to keep her off of school on Monday - she couldn't keep her eyes open - had had a sleepover with 2 friends Saturday night and swam all day Sunday and was famished because she had only had sausage and beans for breakfast on Sunday and a few crisps after swimming - when I tackeled XH about this he said that it was nonsense and that I was making it up because I was pissed off that she hates coming back to me after being with him.

I just don't know what to do - she is so precious to me and its so lovely the 4 of us in our family and I try so so hard to be a good mum but when he throws things like that at me it just slices me in half.

What am I to do to make her want to come back to me and DH and DS??????

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suedenley · 15/09/2006 14:00

not in this position myself but wanted to offer you some support.
does he live close would it be poss for him xh to have her for a week during term time so that she could see the normalities of life are the same at her dads or show her what you do for her when he gets her to school late dishevelled etc and perhaps sausages beans and crisps wont be so appealing after a week of them . best of luck hope it all works out for you

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Twinkie1 · 15/09/2006 14:04

He lives too far away and won't take time off of work to do anything like that I am afraid - he'd make getting to school late fun though and probably say oh don't worry about the silly old teacher - he leaves being consciencious about everything to me.

Sorry to sound such a whiner but after all I went through with him - well documented on mumsnet all those years ago - and now she doesn't want to be with me.

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hermykne · 15/09/2006 14:04

for her the grass is greener and hes doing "fab~" things with her for the limited time shes with him.
i'd say a weekend would change that but thats not the arrangement i can see that.

probably ride with it and let it go over your head, maybe suggest a real treat for her at the end of the month , just u and her and then maybe next time the 4 of you go.

i would say it will take awhile,

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bubblepop · 15/09/2006 14:10

aww twinkie, bless ya {{{hugs}}}. im sure from what you have said you and your dh are doing absolutlely nothing wrong. kids this age are often like this anyway, mine don't want to know me when he gets home from work! so i suppose it must be even more significant because you're apart. i expect that when she's a little older she will settle down. meanwhile, don't let it show to your ex how insecure you are feeling, concentrate on being bright, breezy and having good times with your dh and your little family, and reassure yourself in the knowledge that you are a fab mummy and you will always be there for her.

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bubblepop · 15/09/2006 14:13

hey i think a little one to one always works the power of good when things are a bit tricky with kids. they just love to have one parent all to themselves even for just an hour at the weekend.

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Twinkie1 · 15/09/2006 14:19

DH is going out tonight and me and DD are going to watch the Evacuation series that has been on beeb 1 all this week - I am hoping that that willgo some way to mending things.

Thanks Bubblepop

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dinosaur · 15/09/2006 14:32

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

bubblepop · 15/09/2006 14:46

good idea twinkie. maybe you could plan a little surprise, something you don't normally do, like sweets on the sofa or pizza, or something? just a thought.mine always like a comic now an then for a treat because we don't usually buy them regularly.x

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sorrell · 15/09/2006 14:56

Don't take it personally, Twinkie, She's crying because she is having to say goodbye to someone she loves, not because she doesn't want to be with you. I know someone who went through something v similar when her dd was between 6 and about 8 and it sounds just the same. Just cuddle her and let her cry when she comes home, don't show how sad or fed up you are, but my friend used to say stuff like, 'I know, it's hard you have to say goodbye to daddy, isn't it? I bet you wish you could see both of us all the time, don't you? what shall we do to cheer you up' etc and it did really help. Plus build a few counter-treats into your life so it is fun too!

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Twinkie1 · 15/09/2006 21:19

Really good advice everyone - and thanks for the hug Dino!!!

Took her and one fo her friends to worship at the golden arches tonight after Irish Dancing (and after getting a new pushchair but thats a different thread altogether!!)and they had a great time - I didn't nag her to hurry up eating and even treated them to a vile McFlurrie thing afterwards - then we sat in bed and watched evacuation together - then she asked if she could call Daddy *** to ask him of it really alright to go out to tea every week with him!!! PAH!!!!

She bit better though - I told her that she will only get really frustrated if she gets upset about something that can't be changed and said that I will try and set aside special time for us each day or for her and DH to do something a bit more grown up - I think maybe I have been having such a hard time with DS that I have been neglecting her a bit!!!

Anyway thansk all for your invaluable advice.

Twinkie XXX

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