Please talk to me, I cant cope and I feel like the worst human being in the world.

(18 Posts)

dd1 10yo has always had issues with her tantrums, they have never improved, I dont want a lecture on boundaries etc we do everything and have tried everything she just is like this. She smashes the house up, slams doors and screams in my face, she does it for dh sometimes but not for anyone else. School, Mast and community peads are all involved, dd has dyspraxia.
She has at least 2 or 3 of these meltdowns a week and anything can trigger them, she will not communicate and will just escalte the screaming etc,she will not go away to calm down despite having many discussions when she is ok about the stuff that is set up all around the house to help her to calm down.
She is so nasty and aggresive during these moments (well they go on for anything between 30mins and 4 hours).
DD2 is really struggling laatley and finds it really distressing.
I cant cope with them, I feel like I wish I was anywhere else in the world and I cant see a way out of the situation, when dd is not like this she is an amazing wonderful girl.
She has just had another one and it excaleted, she was screaming in dd2's face, I think to get me to react as I was ignoring her, I smacked her and she phoned my mum to snitch on me.
Anyyway upshot is my dad came and collected her, they are really good with her and have told her they will always be there but they will never take sides but she can talk to them about anything etc. My mum just phoned to see if she can stop for tea and I said she can and that she cant come home until she has a serious discussion about her behaviour.
She has never in her whole life got anyting from this behavo=iour but gets plenty of fun and treats and attention when she doesnt do this, she gets actively encouraged to particaipate in hobbies and sports and I do everything I can to build her self esteem.
I just dont know how I can cope with this much longer. I now I will, becasue it is not optional and there really is no way out of it.
I cant believe I have let my parents take her away rather than dealing with the aftermath but I am so tired and worn down by it.
I dont really know why I am rambling on I just wat someone to talk to.

livelablove Wed 25-Jun-14 17:47:15

Hi not the best with advice here as I am dealing with my own problems, but I think you did what anyone would do in this situation so dont feel bad. I dont think it was wrong for you to send her off with your parents. Maybe she needed a change of scene to help her calm down. Is she better behaved with your parents and less likely to tantrum there. Maybe if she is you can work out some of what sets her off or helps calm her effectively from what they do differently. I havent read it but a few people lately have been recommending the book The explosive child which sounds like it might be relevant.

livelablove Wed 25-Jun-14 17:49:24

Here is a link to that book

livelablove Wed 25-Jun-14 17:52:05

Also I see it has a website related to the book

thanks I will have a look. I phoned her at my mums to try and talk and ask her to think about her rections and how to calm them. I told her we are taking the telly out of her room and she can earn it back with good behaviour, she then screamed at me and hung up. Dh is home now so we are trying to talk about what to do, dd2 is really upset, she has been miserable for a while and I have just realised that dd1 has recently been aiming her tantrums at dd2 as we were no longer reacting to her normal tricks.

KatieKaye Wed 25-Jun-14 18:01:39

Wish I could offer advice , but as said above don't be too hard on yourself about the smack

book on kindle. I read Dr Greens toddler and baby books when the girls were little and agreed with a lot of his philosopies so hopefully will be helpful.
I dont know what to do about dds telly, I said I was taking it, I have actually taken it out of her room, but she told me she needs it to watch arthutr, bear with me. She watches artur every morning before she gets up, she has made it part of her routine and she does get upset if she oversleeps and doesnt watch it.

livelablove Wed 25-Jun-14 19:05:26

How about saying she can have the t.v back if she gives some helpful suggestions about how she will learn to stay calmer in future. You could go over for a chat with her at your parents tomorrow after a rest and all give some ideas. From what I have read so far children often stick to plans about improving behaviour if they are involved in the planning.

Kleinzeit Wed 25-Jun-14 19:06:08

Sorry you’re having such a hard time with your DD, I hope you have a bit of a rest and break while she’s with your parents flowers

I used Dr Green’s toddler book too when my DS was little and it helped. And when DS was older I found the “Explosive Child” book was really good.

To be honest I would not take the telly away, if taking away parts of her routine will make her temper worse. I had the same problem with my DS, I had to find other punishments that didn’t disrupt his routine too much. For serious things he wouldn’t get any pudding – that was a big deal to him. I didn’t use punishments for very many things at all though. I did some rewards and praise, I ignored a lot of bad stuff, walked away, calmed things down when I could. And if I took things away I never even tried to make him earn them back, I would just tell him when he was going to get them back (usually after a day or two) and then we’d start fresh. Because the idea of earning things back was too scary for him.

Sorry I can’t help about her behaviour with her sister, my DS was an only. But “Explosive Child” might help.

Have you tried the Special Needs – Kids group as well? There’s quite a few mums doing our best to manage serious tantrum-chuckers.

thanks, she is back now and calm (ish still seems very on edge). I have told her she can have her telly back if she tells me 3 things she is going to do next time she feels herself going.
There is a sn parents group near here but I would feel like a complete fraud to be honest.
When we have everything calm and nice this is a very happy household but dd has always had the ability to change that in an instant.
Wwhat we have been doing that has worked is tlking to dd in a sing song sweet voice whhen we can feel ourselves trying to get her to do something, I dont know why it works but it seems to, I really wasnt feeling very well today and I think I just forgot all the stuff I noramlly do.
Sometimes it would be nice if everyday wasnt a constant battle and I was able to relax without having to think about every single thing i say and do.

I think the book recommended is worth a read, I'm a few chapters in and finding it very helpful. I also think you'd do well to try the special needs feeling is if you're doing everything 'right' (setting boundaries, encouraging and building self esteem, offering praise and support etc) and you're still getting this kind of behaviour then it isn't behavioural at all - my suspicion is she's struggling with something (sensory overload/anxiety/frustration to do with her dyspraxia??) and needs to let it out. You won't be judged for asking for advice, it sounds like you're working very hard to help her but my guess is you don't know the full story yet

Kleinzeit Wed 25-Jun-14 21:02:38

You wouldn't be a fraud in an SN group at all smile There are mums of kids with dyspraxia on MunsNet SN. My own DS has Asperger's but one of my nieces has dyspraxia, different kinds of SN and they both have extra things going that need extra effort to manage.

MrsWinnibago Wed 25-Jun-14 21:54:38

Diet, diet, diet. I will say it again. Diet.

My DD is also ten and VERY sensitive to additives. I can give her red jelly as a toddler and count down till the meltdown began.

Keep a food for the timing and what she last ate. Does she eat much processed food? Soft drinks?

diet is actually something e really strruggle with, when she was younger she was gluten and lactose intolerant. We try to feed her as little processed food as possible but left to her own devices she would eat only white bread and cheese and I really do struggle to get anything else into her. I have always tried to not make a deal of diet as she is very slight able to go days without even feeling hungry and with all her emotional stuff going on I am very aware of food not being an isseue. If that makes sense. It probably is time for a food diary thats a really good idea. Trying to remember what she had after school yesterday.
I wont actually see dd until bedtime as I am work, I just feel really sad that she feels this unhappy and angry. She has an appointment in the morning about a tremor she has in her hands and I am think we might go out for a nice breakfats after we have dropped her sister off at school.

Thejocasta Thu 26-Jun-14 06:02:44

I'd look at diet as well but more than artificial colours, flavours and preservatives - google failsafe diet or RPAH diet (diet developed by the Royal Prince Alfred Hospital in Sydney for behaviour issues). Intolerance to salicylates, amines and glutamates can cause that sort of behaviour (and they are all found in healthy food)

livelablove Thu 26-Jun-14 08:49:02

That's a good idea to keep a food diary and you could also note down her activities etc to see if you see any patterns.

Goldmandra Thu 26-Jun-14 12:57:43

I think you need to read around Asperger's Syndrome and Pathalogical Demand Avoidance.

If either one rings any bells, try using the strategies recommended for those conditions and see if they help.

Could your DD be masking stress in school and then letting it out at home? She may not realise this is happening but just be unable to express worries in school and unable to control the overwhelming emotions this causes when she gets home and feels safe. My DDs have AS and do this a lot.

Try comparing her behaviour when the routine is followed closely and life is very predictable and calm with her behaviour when the routine is disrupted, you go out for treats, people visit your home, etc. If routine helps her behave well, treats may be counter-productive.

I have read a lot around pathalogical demand avoidance which rings a lot of bells. She had an initial meeting with the community pead who said she didnt feel she had asd or adhd but the meeting wasnt that great as they kept dd in the whole time so I was unable to tell them the extent of the problems due to dd having low self esteem and me not wanting to say bad things (in dd's eyes) to a strranger in front of her. We have a follow up appointment in a few weeks. We have an appointment today with a consultant in neuro disability but I am not quite sure what this is regarding. I think the tremor that dd has.
I read the first couple of chapters in the explosive child last night and I could very much have changed the names to dita, ditas dd and ditas other dd, which upset me a bit.

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