Falling out with other mother - is this my fault?

(10 Posts)
limaggio100 Tue 17-Jun-14 08:32:57

My children who are girls, are 6 and just 5 and both are reserved and do not put themselves forward. They have a friend just turned 5 who is the complete opposite, very outgoing and dominant in their interactions. After. xmas the children started pony riding with this girl, but with only 2 ponies. The girls mother had found the pony owner. Each time we went, this girl went first, stated which pony she would go on, cried when she had to get off and walk. I found this very difficult to watch, my children did not challenge her and each time she got her own way. I am sorry to say that I began to dislike this child. i appreciate I am the adult and need to respond in an adult way but her mother did very little to help change the situation.
I was the one who tried to make things "fair" rotating who went first, how long the children rode for etc. It ended up spoiling the experience I think certainly for the adults. I decided that the children would stop riding with this child but initially told the mother it would be just for a couple of weeks then later said we would make it permanent. The mother now barely talks to me. My children are polar opposites to this child and I feel that I needed to try to show them that what was happening was not fair but I know that I got too wrapped up in the situation and could not step back.
I would like to learn from this experience. I don't feel proud to say that I ended up not liking this child, she is barely 5 but to see another child dominate yours (she also did in other play with them) is upsetting. I don't think the reaction of the mother has been fair but maybe others would see it differently.

I also must say that I wish my children would stand up for themselves more and know that I have to stop making them feel wrong to stand back and that how they are is ok.

Iggly Tue 17-Jun-14 08:52:18

Well they will learn from how you do it. It isn't wrong to act as they do - they're just different characters to you. Set them an example, don't comment on how they stand back (maybe they're dominated by you?), and see what happens.

limaggio100 Tue 17-Jun-14 08:56:26

thank you, I know you are right about this. So in that situation would you just have ridden it out (pardon the pun) and not tried to change how things were happening? Clearly that appears to be what the other mother thinks.

Iggly Tue 17-Jun-14 08:58:44

No what I mean is you did the right thing to make it more fair. Your daughters will see that as a good example I.e. to stand up for themselves. But you don't need to tell them that them standing back was the "wrong" thing to do. They're quite young and maybe felt intimidated?

As long as you were polite etc then I'm sure it was a good thing! I hate people who hog things for their children (like the other mother).

ButEmilylovedhim Tue 17-Jun-14 09:16:05

People get very funny when they think their children or parenting is being criticised. The truth is though that the mother should have made the riding fair between the girls and had the boot been on the other foot, you can bet your last pound she would have been standing up for her child. You didn't do anything wrong. In fact, it sounds like you were tactful about it, she just drew her own conclusions. (See she knows, really!)

I have been guilty of disliking some children before now, but it really is the parents' fault for not correcting the behaviour. Some people really do seem quite blind to bad behaviour in their children. Often while loudly disliking the exact same behaviour in someone else's child!

Just put it down to experience I guess and be glad you don't have much to do with them now.

sanfairyanne Tue 17-Jun-14 09:54:47

they are very young and i think you did the right thing. this way, you have avoided a situation where one child gets their own way all the time, so your children dont have to get used to being the underdog. the other mum didnt manage it very well (she wasnt paying for it all i am assuming). it might have been better for just the 2 children from the same class to have gone, and your older daughter to have done something else, but that was probably hard to arrange

limaggio100 Tue 17-Jun-14 11:42:51

No she wasn't paying for it. To be fair to her towards the end of the children riding together she had spoken to her daughter and things were better but by then I had made other arrangements.
What disappoints me is that this woman was very friendly very quickly, phoning me on weekends, very friendly to my children ( she is a nursery teacher). Now - she doesn't acknowledge my children when she sees them at school pick up. The over the top loveydoviness (which I did not do with her daughter because I am not like that) and now - she blanks them. Even if I did not handle it very well as I felt unable to straightforwardly say yo her I think we should ride separately - her behaviour is not very good.

LastingLight Tue 17-Jun-14 13:36:02

I think you should just let it go and move in. You did what you needed to do and if this other woman's attitude sucks that is not your problem. Maybe role play a bit with your girls to teach them how to be more assertive?

tobysmum77 Wed 18-Jun-14 22:34:32

You need to stop worrying the problem wasnt your dds' lack of assertion but the other mother letting her behave like a brat. Not hard to see where she gets it from is it? There are plenty more fish in the sea.

People who worry about stuff like this get more shit from people ime.

limaggio100 Thu 19-Jun-14 08:55:53

thank you. the mother comes across as a really gentle, kind person and I will admit that I am often quite prickly so I see her as a nicer person than me and hence blame myself. 3-4 yrs ago I fell out with another mother for similar reasons, other child dominating my children (they were very small at the time) so I see myself as having "form" and hence maybe people would see me as to blame. One common thing in both situations was someone being very friendly very quickly and me making the mistake in thinking we were "real" friends and in fact we barely knew each other and when some tension or conflict arises the friendship cannot withstand it.

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