Angry at 8 year old son...help!

[soapyjack]

I'm shifting between anger and tears at 8 year old son and most aspects of his behaviour.
He's always been the child in the middle of a 'commotion' when we went out, and as my best friend put it...'you always know when he's in the room'. He's been the one to break something, or do something that I'd have to reprimand.
We moved to Australia 2 1/2 years ago and had a shaky start and as a consequence son didn't start proper schooling for 3 months.....high life for him!! we did some stuff at home with reading, writing and bbc bitesize, any way since being here he's not been producing much work regarding writing, contributing to projects at school or writing in his diary etc. The school have identified him for testing to see if there are any underlying issues, and we're waiting for the results.
He is also EXTREMELY disorganised both at school and at home, he forgets jumpers, drinks bottles, lunch boxes, diary. The teacher has asked his classmates to support him by making sure he has correct stuff out.
I feel like I'm constantly on at him at home to do the stuff he does everyday, he 'forgets' to wash his face or clean his teeth in the morning...every morning. Pick up clothes/towels on the floor, brush his hair.
This coupled with stupid behaviour at break, spitting on people with water, sometimes nasty teasing towards an ill friend. He gets good marks with spellings and times tables tests, we practise a lot at home and he's really keen to do projects etc at home. When I take my eye off and relax with him a bit something else happens, and I kick myself for relaxing.
I'm losing it, I expect the worst at school, I focus on the negative bits, I shake with having to stop myself from hitting him sometimes for forgetting stuff and I'm seriously worried how this is affecting him to see me so angry at him most of the time. I do physical stuff like grab him and throw flannels at him when really frustrated, and I hate myself for reacting like this but can't help it.
My husband works away for 3 weeks out of the month, and I feel like I can't burden him with too much as I hear myself moaning and it pisses me off, let alone him. I'm SAHM with a 4 year old girl too. When husband does speak to him, he comes out with stupid comments like " everything you're doing is pretty much wrong", an 8 year old can't hear that!
HELP!!!!!!!!!!

[SqutterNutBaush]

You're not alone in this, I could've written your post!

I feel like I'm constantly shouting at my DS and giving warning after warning and he just doesn't give a shit about the consequences and I'm stuck, I don't know what to do or say to make him stop.

His behaviour is a bit different to your DS though, more childish, he puts on a really annoying voice/accent and mutters meaningless words when he gets excited (I know this sounds trivial but when he's running around shouting bendy wee sees in a weird voice it really grates), he squeals, he plays too rough with his 1yo sister, he's started lying, he won't do anything for himself, never clears up after himself and generally acts like a total embarrassment.

Like you I'm always struggling yo keep my calm with him whether its physically or verbally and I've done the throwing flannel thing too. He's been assessed twice, seen speech therapists to make sure he can understand and process what we are asking of him and the school wants to refer him to the Education Psychologist yet again.

Its bloody hard and its bloody shit for everyone involved.

Sorry I font know how to help but I can sit by you and say that you're not alone.

[Andro]

A lot may depend on the results of the tests, but have you tried a visual timetable and check list for home? Make sure the morning an evening routines are there for him to clearly see and tick off as he has completed them (even down to putting his towel on the rail).

Give him a checklist for when he's leaving for school (pin it on the wall by the door maybe) so he can check he has his coat/drink bottle/pe kit/whatever and have one for his teacher to give him at home time so he can tick off that he has everything.

A PITA at first, but it might help him get into a routine of checking things.

Having a visual timetable might also give you something positive to focus on if you can see what he done rather than just what he hasn't done (right).

[soapyjack]

Hi and thanks!
School has tested for Speech and Language, all good there now am going private to see if it maybe dyslexia.....Husband has also come home for a bit as had emotional meltdown on phone and couldn't speak for crying, better family structure with him back.
I get stressed about the physical approach, we went swimming today and he was once again either kicking, biting or spitting water at me to get the noodle back, grabbed his arm and knew it was too tight a hold, just didn't stop myself, god I feel shit saying it.
Stress levels are right up at the moment as have had 3rd conversation with another of his friend's mum's citing his bullying behaviour. Then sat and saw him throwing sticks at friend, hitting and 'playful' punching them and then making them eat 'poison' berries (they weren't, just in game), his friend was obv upset and apparently he's been name calling at school.
What do I do? Will definitely go for the visual chart Andro, have ink in printer now! And getting tested for Dyslexia as mentioned, just driving myself mad by looking at going Gluten-Free/Failsafe diet etc...grasping at straws!! And thanks Squtternut Bosh, support is vv appreciated!

[soapyjack]

Funnily enough he's just started with the stupid voice thing, and finding himself vv funny....not mutual!!

[Wren48]

Soapyjack, that sound really stressful, especially if you are having to manage other adults' responses to him. It's not much help to suggest this, as it's hard to reorganise working patterns in the real world, but I did wonder whether the weeks away of your DH - which must put a great strain on you - could have anything to do with him acting up? I'm thinking more of you having to manage on your own rather than any theoretical " he needs his dad" stuff. It sounds to me as though you are at the end of your tether and could really do with some support. Counselling?? Not a cure all, but it can sometimes be handy to let off steam to an outsider and talk through stuff with them. You need to be able to cope; what needs to be in place to support you so that you feel you can?

[Goldmandra]

What you're describing sounds very much like impaired executive functioning. This can be an aspect of Autism and children with High Functioning Autism often fall foul of it because their ability to organise themselves doesn't usually match their academic ability so it appears as if they are doing it on purpose.

I don't know how assessments work in Australia. Will he be assessed for ASD?

[Jinty64]

Andro's advice is very good. He sounds very like my ds1 who has ADHD and I think he should be assessed for this and ASD as Goldmandra suggests. I would imagine he has found your move and all the disruption surrounding his schooling very unsettling indeed. A small change in routine can put ds1 wrong for the rest of the week.

I think you need to get some help with your difficulties in managing his behaviour. At very least it is not good for his self esteem to have you going on at him all the time and reacting physically is not going to end well.

You have my sympathy, it is not easy to parent a child with behavioural difficulties.