Parent that doesn't get that our child is "different";

(33 Posts)
sbm78 Wed 23-Apr-14 13:29:51

I need help advise on what to do here. Its causing problems between me and my partner.

I've been with my partner for nearly 3 years, when I met him I had been through a difficult marriage and he was perfect, he got on with my children and all was fine. It was him that supported me when I 1st approached CAMHS about my DS. He actually has a son under the Autistic spectrum himself so that kind of helped with me knowing that my son was different.

My problem is he doesn't seem to understand the way I am with DS he says he's 8 years old and should do as he is told. I have my own way of dealing with him as I'm sure many mums do, I have to break things down and make things clear what I want him to do. I know that shouting doesn't work and he doesn't understand the "I'll do it in a minute" he wants things done now. He doesn't get why my DS kicks and hits things (nor do I) but I know that he is different and have just learnt to live with it. I've tried to explain all this to my partner and he seems like he understands but then the next time my DS does something he kicks off again. I'm not saying that my DS always makes the right choices with my strategies because he doesn't but I know what he reacts too and what winds him up sad

I feel like I am banging my head against a brick wall. My partner is not great with his son either. He argues with him about it because he says he's 12 and not a baby anymore. GGRRRRRRR

Anyone been here??

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 24-Apr-14 10:37:35

I have not been in this situation but until others see your thread couldn't read and run.

Firstly sorry not quite sure are you saying your DS is autistic or has behavioural issues?

At 8 he might be too old but if DS were younger I'd look into a National Autism Society approved group called Early Birds who do a special Parenting for Autism course to help you understand about Autism. Your DP may know about it already - they can shed light on why it affects DS the way it does and how to deal with all those behaviours? This course is only available after diagnosis, but if confirmed you could join a local Early Bird Group for advice and support.

Secondly it is sad if you are finding DP has a short fuse with DS. You will be torn between them but I don't have to tell you your first duty is to DS.

Bluntly if he has trouble grasping his own DS' s difficulties I am afraid that you may have an uphill struggle on your hands. There has to be so much trust when DCs are involved and you can't relax if there is tension and what is your DS going to do if you're out and have left him under DP's supervision, I am not saying DS is at risk but you need to look very carefully at how they interact.

I suspect deep down you know this.

sbm78 Fri 25-Apr-14 11:56:43

Thanks for your reply.

My DS has behavioural problems. We haven't had a diagnosis but I can tell you after all the research I have done I suspect his is on the spectrum.

Thanks for your suggestion I will have a look at those courses.

It is so frustrating that DP can't behave as I do with DS. He's the adult and should be able too. I often know when to step in before it flares up but not always the case. I don't fear for my DS's safety its just the shouting and the way he deals with the fact my DS does not take lightly to orders. I don't leave them alone very often and strangely enough things seem to go ok when it's just them

I don't know sad

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 25-Apr-14 13:26:43

It must be tough figuring out what is typical 8 year old behaviour and what exceeds that. Plus, it is always a bone of contention, how soon does a live-in partner get to discipline your DC(s)?

Ask DP if he can restrict himself to a firm not shouted
"(Name) don't speak to your mum/me like that - it is very rude". Each time he raises his voice it is a signal he is losing control.

We all know our own DCs can push our buttons. I am not suggesting DP is a potential volcano but I really hope you can talk to him about how he has to defer to you when it comes to applying adult-child forms of communication.

DCs love having the 'last word' which in fairness is a normal stage of growing up. If he has DCs I am a little surprised DP isn't familiar with a boy DS's age having selective hearing.

Anyway as I said before I am out of my depth on this one but happy to bump this for you.

ChristianMother Fri 25-Apr-14 14:55:50

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

RiverTam Fri 25-Apr-14 14:59:09

I've reported your vile post, ChristianMother (anyone acting less like a Christian I've yet to see, tbh).

3littlefrogs Fri 25-Apr-14 15:02:20

I would ditch your partner first TBH. You may well find that your life, and your son's life become much easier.

3littlefrogs Fri 25-Apr-14 15:04:20

Good grief ChristianMother - are you for real?

ChristianMother Fri 25-Apr-14 15:07:04

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Upandatem Fri 25-Apr-14 15:11:10

OMG, autistic child of lesbian (mothers) and gay (father) parents here. WE'RE ALL DOOMED.

ooerrmissus Fri 25-Apr-14 15:13:18

ChristianMother I too have reported your post. Not only is it quite unbelievably insulting to the OP it is also factually incorrect.

OP I would try and get a diagnosis. This should enable you to access parenting courses for you and your DP. ASD can be very hard. Clearly you are dealing with your DS far better than your DP.

Do feel free to add advice when you have some grasp of reality ChristianMother and in the meantime do spare us and take your bile elsewhere, there's a dear.

AllThatGlistens Fri 25-Apr-14 15:18:01

ChristianMother I dont care if I get deleted you can fuck right off you vile, uneducated cunt.

Genetic testing has proven the origins of two of my DC's Autism. They clearly have more morals than you.

crawl back under your fucking rock.

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

So my non-verbal severely autistic teenager is unable to speak & has severe learning disabilities because he is an atheist? He has no concept of God you idiot. I rather suspect Jesus would look out for him.

I'm not quite following the link with homosexuality (other than it's no surprise that someone with such ridiculous views would be stupid enough to be a homophobe).

Sorry OP a bit sidetracked, I agree that something like an earlybird course would be good (in our area they run something similar that doesn't need a diagnosis to attend).

OP, my advice is get a GP referal to see someone for diagnostic testing. Written Q&As given to parent and to school, as well as behaviourial observation by a trained paediatrician are used, I believe.

Please ignore the ill-informed and unhelpful bigotry being spouted by a misguided individual. Good luck.

MarcusAurelius Fri 25-Apr-14 15:22:47

ChristianMother

Oh do fuck off and read some science.

You cunt.

Jinsei Fri 25-Apr-14 15:22:55

I have reported also. hmm

Oh, and as far as 'training up the child' christianmother - I'll be training mine up to laugh in the face of idiots like you, and to dismiss you as deluded and just a little bit dangerous

Lancelottie Fri 25-Apr-14 15:23:45

I think ChristianMother may be trying out a new character for a sitcom.

Back to the Creative Writing School for you, m'dear, it's not quite there yet.

<Parent of autistic son with excessive moral compass here>

Owllady Fri 25-Apr-14 15:25:20

What a weirdly weirdo

Owllady Fri 25-Apr-14 15:26:03

She has chosen to go against God by being so weird
Poor Jesus

You know those days when you read something and thing 'fucking hell, do people really think that?' and feel you need a sit down, a cup of tea and some blood pressure tablets? Thank you ChristianMother for a genuine 'WTAF' moment

AllThatGlistens Fri 25-Apr-14 15:39:52

I'm with you Pheasant; I could actually feel my bp going through the roof!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 25-Apr-14 15:40:39

I don't know what I missed when I went away but get the feeling I'm glad I did.

Hope you aren't put off posting sbm78.

rabbitrisen Fri 25-Apr-14 15:43:30

Your parenting styles may be different.
And of course, you are two different people.

Can I ask why you havent tried to get a diagnosis?

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