HELP me! im scared to reach out for help. My four yr old is unbearable!!

(46 Posts)
mummygoingmad1 Mon 14-Apr-14 21:54:10

Hi, I am at my wits end. I want to know where to turn to for help without some professional thinking I am a bad mum and need social services involved. Im sacred to reach out for help incase my little boy gets taken away .....

I am a single mum ( i say single the back story would help .... I had meningitis last ear, many dont realsie the impact this can have on family life as it is infact a disease on the brain and takes a long time to recover ... it led to the breakdown in mine and the father of my sons relationship, he moved out, stupidly we told my son he was working away ( convinetly he had just started a job where he lived in) this went on for about six weeks until i explained to my son ( then three ) that dady didnt live with us anymore, me and his dad did however spend familly days together and are no still together, but just cant live together, as it was volitile and not what i wanted, as far as that part of my life goes it is better this way , it works, me and my sons dad are in a better place and we have much better quality family time, and as odd as it sounds it works .... at least i think it does, and before reading the rest of this and judging, trust me, if we lived together it would be alot worse .....

My four yr old doe not listen to a single thing i say ( he will be 5 in september) he is bright but still does the wrong thing i think to annoy me. stupid things like throwing my phne, pouring a drink over, and doing anything i ask him not to as it will cause him harm .... this is driving me crazy, BUT the main issue is he is Violent with me, viscous, last week he head butted me so hard i now have a wobbly tooth and was covered in bllod,, he bites , scratehs, head butts, punches, slaps, wrsetles, hair pulls ... etc ... and he is storng!! I find myself fighting and arguing with him, and to get hm off of me he sometimes gets hurt. he swears at me 9 i despise swearing!!0 he will repeadtley tell me to 'fuck off' and i do get so angry i grab him ... I have tried EVERYTHING! thrive techiniques, reward charts, ignoring! so please dont suggest things like this! I am now at my wits end and feeling like a 'slap' is the only awanser, so i have done around the legs, or grabbed him , or picked him up and plonked him on he sofa a little too hard ... and I replay it all in my head at night and hate myself, but ti is getting to the point that id ton know what to do. he is so viscous and so volitale and he really causes me harm, just tryong to get him off of me coauses him harm, and i replay it back the shouting off both of us, the arguing and the fighting and wonder what the neighbors think, and i cry myself to sleep as i think i am in someway abusing him, all i want to do is love him, protect him, nuture him and us both be happy. and it seems impossable! i am such a clam person in normal life, I am educated (although reading this back it may not seem so, i am typing fast so i dont over think) with morales and class, when he was ababy i did evrything to the book, breastfeeding, weaning with NO jars, nutruting him through play, spent evry second i could enriching him and felt like a bloody great mum. now i feel like the worst mum on the planet. and i dont know who to ask for help, and i am worried if i am honest with the situation that 'alarm bells' for his safety will be sounded, when thats not the case. I am fed up of spending my days arguing and foighting with a four year old, when i just wish to have happy loving days. At his preschool is a a diamond, and they are shocked to hear of his behavior for me, I have set boundaries and done all i can, what ami doing worng? and who can i ask for professional help???? Thank-you for reading me poor grammer and spelling ranting post smile

Grennie Tue 15-Apr-14 08:54:30
roadwalker Tue 15-Apr-14 10:16:15

Is it just with you or is he violent with other adults or children?
If he is getting such uncontrollable rages then he needs some help with that
My DD could often not look like she was in a rage/tantrum but asking her to do something or not so something seemed impossible, the demand of asking made it beyond reach for her
Google PDA (pathological demand avoidance) and see if any of it is like your DS

PirateJones Tue 15-Apr-14 11:52:15

^i do get so angry i grab him ..."

"a 'slap' is the only answer, so i have done around the legs, or grabbed him , or picked him up and plonked him on he sofa a little too hard .."^

i also dont want to go to parenting classes im 29 and would find this humiliating! Is there no way to get help one on one??

his preschool have said he is one of the best in the class so why is he like this for me. His dad is where the swearing came from, which may give you a insight to why his dad no longer lives here

I can’t for the life of me imagine why he is violent to you.

This won't get better until you change and understand him, sounds like there's been violence in the family and a big change with his dad leaving.

mummygoingmad1 Tue 15-Apr-14 15:39:11

Thank you grennie. and roadwalker, he has never hit out at nursery, he is usually the one getting knocked by the other children and he just walks away and tells a teacher. He has hit out at his dad who turns it inot a game, and once or twice my gran and granddad, who have that discipline tone in their voice down to a tee, and he has never done it to them since ....

Pirate jones i find your comments patronisng and judgmental, the last comment is quite clearly sarcastic. If you cant offer constructive advice then please stop commenting! I did say to you my anger is new as i have just had enough and cant take it anymore, it has worn me down, hence why asking for help. so it is not why he is like it. Agreed I see it makes him worse, but this is not the root of the problem or how i have dealt with the situation for say around a year and a half ..... also i did not say a slap is the only answer! i said I feel like a slap is the only answer as i have tried everything else!! YES getting him off of me is a problem and we are fighting as he charges at me even if i walk away .... but please stop assumeing i just casually beat him and fling him around for the fun of it, which i get in your tone of writing! Im struggling and many mums here have given me some sound advice and support, i dont want to come on here and let out how im feeling to be met with your comments! lastly i am not keen on group class's and such things for personal reasons, doesnt mean i am a bad mum for not wanting to go i would prefer one on one support. Also from what another member has said what ever they teach me will only be techniques i have already tried, this is much worse and needs better attention than counting to ten or punching pillows, i have googled and tried everything!!!

PirateJones Tue 15-Apr-14 16:04:54

^ i have googled and tried everything!!!^

Well, you haven't.... You haven't actually asked anyone for help.

doesnt mean i am a bad mum for not wanting to go i would prefer one on one support.

I didn't say you were a bad mum.

but please stop assumeing i just casually beat him and fling him around for the fun of it

I didn't say this.

^ Also from what another member has said what ever they teach me will only be techniques i have already tried, this is much worse and needs better attention than counting to ten or punching pillow^

They will give you support which you will not get from Google, they will give you advice and help numbers and put you in contact with places that might benefit you, which you are unlikely to get from google.

i find your comments patronisng and judgmental, the last comment is quite clearly sarcastic.

Good, it means it came across exactly how I typed it.

Also from what another member has said what ever they teach me will only be techniques i have already tried
i have googled and tried everything!!!

Then why bother asking for help at all, you've already tried EVERYTHING.

If you have a difficult child normal parenting methods won't work, you need to adapt.
I noticed you skipped over the question I asked, if his dad has left recently don’t you think that has caused his behaviour?

I’ve been to parenting classes, when I got custody of my nephew I could have killed him, he had a whole bunch of issues, I could hardly cope. I needed to go and find out how to help and deal with his problems, which were rooted to issue with his past.

Your son is lashing out for a reason, weather you like to admit it or not isn’t my problem.

mummygoingmad1 Tue 15-Apr-14 16:11:07

I know its for a reason. and I have asked for help with his nursery .... they have been helping me with 'thrive' technique. and when i say I have tried everything i have tried all the bog standard super nanny type techniques, nothing is working, and i posted this as i am scared of asking a doctor what to do ..... I know there is a underlining problem! Im not a idiot! I know it is most likely his dad leaving, i also know his dads swearing and the way his dad used to treat me has rubbed off onto my son! Why would you want to sound patronising, when i am clearly distressed and concerned about what others would think of what has been going on! !!!!

mummygoingmad1 Tue 15-Apr-14 16:12:13

why are you commenting if you mean to sound judgmental??!!! how does that he;pp me in anyway!!!

mummygoingmad1 Tue 15-Apr-14 16:14:45

If you are judging me you clearly have NO sympathetic advise or understand what the hell i have gone through, so why even comment in the first place? I am new to mumsnet and thought it was a friendly place for support and advice , not childish sarcastic judgmental posts!

PirateJones Tue 15-Apr-14 16:17:39

when i am clearly distressed and concerned about what others would think of what has been going on! !!!!
when i say I have tried everything i have tried all the bog standard super nanny type techniques, nothing is working, and i posted this as i am scared of asking a doctor what to do

I just find it strange that you are too worried about what others think to get any real help, including parenting classes and the doctor.

Surely first and foremost your son’s welfare comes first?

mummygoingmad1 Tue 15-Apr-14 16:22:32

Why is it strange??? Of course his welfare comes first!!!! I dont know how the wholle system works and Im scared they would think i abuse my son when I dont, what is so hard for you to understand!? Why are you still commenting????????? I have asked you not to, I am in pieces about all of this and you are making me feel worse!!!!!!

mummygoingmad1 Tue 15-Apr-14 16:24:59

AND I HAVE HAD REAL HELP!!! READ WHAT I WRITE PROPERLY!

PirateJones Tue 15-Apr-14 16:25:21

Why is it strange??? Of course his welfare comes first!!!! I dont know how the wholle system works and Im scared they would think i abuse my son when I dont, what is so hard for you to understand!?

You think that people who ask for help with children are the ones which ring "abuse" alarm bells?
It's very hard to understand that way of thinking.

Why are you still commenting????????? I have asked you not to, I am in pieces about all of this and you are making me feel worse!!!!!!

Becuase, i'm not sure if you have noticed this, you keep asking questions, so i assume you expect an answer.

mummygoingmad1 Tue 15-Apr-14 16:26:34

Have you never heard of a rhetorical question!

PirateJones Tue 15-Apr-14 16:40:03

Have you never heard of a rhetorical question!

Yes but a lot of what you have typed isn't rhetorica,l for example, "why do you think it's strange?", that is a genuine question I thought needed a genuine answer.

I’m still having trouble understanding how you think asking someone for help will somehow make people think you abuse your son.

AND I HAVE HAD REAL HELP!!! READ WHAT I WRITE PROPERLY!
The nursery (And google), which was a great start, but you have said the nursery don't see his behaviour.
your son is expressing his emotions through his behaviour towards you, I know you don’t want to but to get this sorted you will need to take other steps.

If you tell your doctor the first step will be parenting classes most probably, i'm not saying that because you are a bad mother, I’m not saying it because I think you haven’t tried “super nanny techniques”, I’m saying it because its a first port of call and they can give you guidance about what to do and where to go next.

mummygoingmad1 Tue 15-Apr-14 17:12:37

You still commenting!!?? You dont have to understand my woes, like many have said they would prefer to help then have someone struggle on, now I know that I feel better. Is this place not a place to get advise from other mums and their experiences!? Its not about not wanting to its about fear of the unknown! the main reason of this post! You have acctually given some amount of advice now, but still with your derogatory tone! Get of your high horse and having this overtone of being high and mighty. and for the record the nursery and school is a private school, the nursery manager is a thrive counselor, and thats who i have been having help from , I just didnt know what would happen if i told a H.V or doctor. Now i do, so now i will.

mummygoingmad1 Tue 15-Apr-14 17:14:32

AND ... you saying parent courses are first port of call ... factual info is fine! your sneaky sarcastic comments are not! i really hope you dont go around psreading this negativity on here too often!!!

PirateJones Tue 15-Apr-14 17:19:45

sneaky sarcastic comments

They are not sneaky they are pretty obvious.

The advice has been there since my first post, i have just repeated it.

nd for the record the nursery and school is a private school, the nursery manager is a thrive counselor, and thats who i have been having help from

And why does this change anything, it's like earlier when you gave your age, WHY?
Should i have added PRIVATE nursery and google to my statement?

mummygoingmad1 Tue 15-Apr-14 17:27:27

Oh please go and do something constructive! and stop commenting!!!! All you have done is be a key board warrior, and not helped in anyway at all!!

ExBrightonBell Tue 15-Apr-14 18:15:34

Mummygoingmad, just don't respond to people that you don't find helpful. As it's an open discussion forum anyone can post anything (within the guidelines) they want.

I'm glad you are no longer worried about speaking to a HV or GP about your son. There really isn't anything to worry about it that regard. You have clearly been taking steps to help your son (your partner moving out, working with the nursery etc). I would still think that something like a parenting class would be helpful, and at worst it cannot hurt. Even if you attend and just watch/listen to everyone else rather than actively participate.

roadwalker Tue 15-Apr-14 18:35:35

You could post on SN board
It is so hard parenting a violent child and people often blame the parenting
I would avoid anyone (including professionals) who suggest any super nanny technique
IMO any child who is willing to sit on a naughty step does not need it. I would have to physically hold my child onto a step
No stickers or rewards either. The stress of the reward would make it impossible for my DD to achieve
I try for natural consequences as much as possible

I would ask GP for a CAMHS referral in the first instance.
Try not to bark orders (not saying that you do bark but I can be guilty of it) or say NO. Look for a different way to say something
No prolonged discussion about what went wrong, my DD does not know why she does things ( I genuinely believe this). I tell her it is not acceptable and move on quickly
Distraction is the best technique if I can get her before full melt down
I avoid over stimulating play like soft play and try for outdoor stuff, the river and woods
Try to remember however hard it is for you that when they are at their worst is the time they need love the most

Forgettable Tue 15-Apr-14 19:19:21

I would make an appointment with your GP

if you feel up to it, film your son doing these things as examples of the behaviour

flowers expat

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