Aspergers Stepson

(16 Posts)
Princessjonsie Tue 25-Mar-14 03:13:07

My stepson has just turned 21. He lives with his mum and stepdad 300 miles away. He has always taken a colourful approach to telling the truth . He is currently taking an access to education course with a view to attending Uni to become a games developer. He is coming to the end of the course and this is where the problem starts. What ever he does he is always " picked on" something always goes wrong with his work. The tutor always " looses " his pieces of vital work , grades his last on purpose. You get the picture . Every job he had had the boss has always made him work harder and let others sit around and do nothing, they always get paid more etc. My DH is now writing cv for him and contacting employment agencies for him and trying to get him to move to the area and live with us. My SS does nothing to help and is happy to sit back play computer games and drink JD and let my DH do all this for him . I try not to judge but it's hard . What should I be saying to help my DH ? I feel as my stepson should be applying and looking for work but we get " they won't get back to me" " I went for an interview but they picked on me" etc.

Princessjonsie Tue 25-Mar-14 03:14:10

I should state his Aspergers is self diagnosed as he refuses to go to the doctors for a test

AwfulMaureen Tue 25-Mar-14 07:07:18

You really need to encourage your dh to insist he goes to tje gp about getting a diagnosis....

chocgalore Tue 25-Mar-14 07:13:53

OP, are you trying to suggest that lying + lazy = aspergers? hmm

Atbeckandcall Tue 25-Mar-14 07:26:24

IME people with Aspergers don't really know how to lie.
He does just sound like a PITA 21 year old with issues that definitely need addressing.

Princessjonsie Tue 25-Mar-14 08:55:39

Choc galore. If this is for me I don't think I suggest that he is lazy. He is very manipulative and does lie a lot. He also lives in a fantasy world a lot of the time. We say he has Aspergers as by googling the syndrome he displays a lot of the traits but to be honest we don't really know if this is the case or if it is something else. He is extremely angry and has violent tendencies, he can throw a temper tantrum like a two year old if he doesn't get his way. He will control and manipulate a situation to his advantage on many occasions . Any help is gratefully received as I would hate him to continue in this way and end up 45, sitting in a room, playing on line games and drinking JD . It's not what I want for my son so it's not what I want for him

Atbeckandcall Tue 25-Mar-14 09:42:18

It certainly sounds like he's going through a hard time of some sort.
Maybe he isn't coping with his work and it's making him stressed?
I think a trip to the GP is definitely needed though.
Maybe explain that if he does go to the dr then his uni/college can then allow special dispensation if he's having a hard time.
Although, this is something to bear in mind, one trip to the GP will not diagnose Aspergers. He will have to be assessed (there can be a bit of a wait for this to happen). Certainly not worth ruling out completely that there maybe something though.
Hope you get to the bottom of this though.

Princessjonsie Tue 25-Mar-14 15:43:51

He says he does not want to be assessed as he does not want to be followed around by a helper or looked at as weird. He doesn't understand that it may help people understand his behaviour. He is very stubborn and gets very aggressive when challenged . I worry he will come and live with us as my husband works away a lot and I will be left alone with him. He is 6ft tall and I am 5 ft 3 and he would do some damage if he flipped cause I asked him to do something it abide by a rule. I think Uni would be the making of him cause it would teach him independence and he would meet a diverse range of people .

HudYerWeisht Tue 25-Mar-14 15:53:24

Sorry but really?! shock

You say he has Aspergers because he displays some of the traits? You cannot self diagnose Aspergers.

Your description of him and associating it with aspergers is not just rude but insulting too. If there is a MH issue it may be worth bearing in mind that the way people with MH issues act is not a choice it's a result of the condition they have.

PirateJones Tue 25-Mar-14 15:56:28

I know an adult with aspergers and he is the most hard working person I have ever met, He has never had a day off and runs everything like clockwork, extremely reliable, works 7 days a week. Of course getting him to learn the job took ages.

From what i understand it doesn't really sound like your stepson has aspergers and the reason he won't go to a doctor is because they will tell him that.

Just my opinion.

Atbeckandcall Tue 25-Mar-14 16:28:26

You need to give more details OP.
What was he like as a small boy?
Has he become more difficult/aggressive as he hasn't gotten older?
If this is a recent thing it is not Aspergers or anything else on the spectrum as anything on the Autistic spectrum is a lifelong disability.
Either way, get him to the GP even if it's for his drinking. That alone will not enable him to make educated and sensible decisions.

Please educate yourself on what is on the Autistic spectrum also, primarily to educate your ss and to not offend anyone else on here.

MiaSparrow Tue 25-Mar-14 17:57:52

Nothing in your description screams Aspergers to me, OP, and I've grown up with it. (Back in the day before everyone knew about it). My brother was/is high functioning, but a classic case nonetheless: zero eye contact; no self-awareness - grunting, etc in public; needed to know how everything worked and took all our electronic equipment apart just to put it back together again; hated certain strong smells; couldn't eat certain colour foods; different food had to be on separate plates; unable to show empathy; friggin' genius with mathematics and computers - started programming at 9, first game published at 12, now earning megabucks making XBox games. Keeps being headhunted to go and work in the US for people like Pixar, but can't leave his gerbils behind... Of course, not everyone's the same, but THAT's Aspergers! I think he needs to go to the GP...

If he has a diagnosis, uni will be able to offer him additional support. Without a diagnosis he will be left to sink or swim on his own.

Authentique Tue 25-Mar-14 18:24:47

As an adult with diagnosed Asperger's, I have to agree with what mos tpeople are saying that this doesn't soudn like AS to me. Gaming obsessions do occur often with AS, and being in a fantasy world is mor ecommon with ASD people than in the general population, but it strieks me that he Always bames other people for his failures. This could just be par tof who ihe is whether he has AS or not, but it isn't typical of AS people.

I am not saying your SS is deliberately acting this way. It could be he has another mental or neurodevelopmental disorder. It could also b ehe has AS and another disorder. It could also be that hsi drinking is causing himt o have these other symptoms (possibly together with AS traits). In any case, he surely need to be evaluated. He could have a serious but treatablemental illness you know? Then again, he has to want to be evaluated himself as he's over 18. I think your dh needs to insist he go to his GP. While your dh can't ake him go, he can threaten to stop supporting your stepson. That should be the lst resort, but maybe even the idea that yoru dh may stop helping him, will motivate himt o seek help.

Princessjonsie Tue 25-Mar-14 18:27:32

I think your right in every way. I need to make the point I do not think he has Aspergers . I think he has learned to control the world by his behaviour. If you google anything you can convince yourself you have it .

Princessjonsie Tue 25-Mar-14 18:30:57

I only knew him from age of 10 and he has acted this way for as long as I've known him. His dad said he had not traits growing up and was "normal"!( I hate that word) in every way so I take all your point on board . I think you have all hit the nail in the head perfectly

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