Are most people disciplining their children with the time out/naughty step strategy?

(96 Posts)
sebsmummy1 Sun 23-Mar-14 21:02:21

I'm not quite there yet as my son is only 16 months.

At the moment I have instinctively disciplined. He will get a firm No! or similar if he I'd doing something naughty or inappropriate. I have backed this up with a hand slap on about four occasions when I thought the action was bordering on dangerous and he wasn't taking notice of my words (not sure if I will get flamed for this).

As I said, it's very instinctive and generally this has worked very well. He no longer plays with the toilet and tries to lift the lid and post things and he understands the road is dangerous etc.

Thing is I know I am moving towards the terrible toes and I'm thinking whether I need to decide about how I'm going to handle bad behaviour in the future or if in going to carry on as I am.

Is the time out/ naughty step accepted as the accepted way to do things or is everyone doing something different depending on the child.

I really don't want smacking to become normal in our house and need a strategy that my son will understan, action/consequences etc.

Thanks

Paintyfingers Tue 25-Mar-14 11:39:24

Should say of course if raised voice went on for more than a few seconds we would be leaving and I would explain why.

Paintyfingers Tue 25-Mar-14 11:29:02

The best thing I ever read on discipline for dc said your aim isn't to stop the behaviour immediately because that isn't realistic given toddlers' cognitive abilities to understand why they are not allowed to do things. They have to hear the same messages a lot to know that it really isn't going to be allowed and why.

What we are instead all trying to do is to get them to internalise the rules of life eg no hitting/biting, sharing etc by praising the good and saying not to do the bad eg to my 2.5 year old:

DS, don't shout please - it's not polite because other people can't enjoy their coffee with shouting.

Later when things are calm:

DS, what a lovely soft voice you are using. We always have to use our soft voices in cafés etc etc

Goldmandra Tue 25-Mar-14 10:25:00

Are there any other strategies that are suitable for a 2-year old?

Clear messages, i.e. telling them what you do want them to do, persistence and time.

This isn't going to stop overnight so she needs to make sure she is there to intervene at all times. I know that's not very practical if she's got others to care for too but she needs to build strategies to deal with that.

She needs to keep them close to her so that she can intervene and redirect her child before it gets to the hitting stage.

twosmallbuttons Tue 25-Mar-14 06:45:15

CM does know her DS is hitting my DC, she writes daily reports. She always tells him 'no!' and takes him away, and is now using some kind of 'step' to sit him on if he hits again, always explaining that 'we don't hit' etc.

She has quite a lot of experience with children but perhaps it's tricky dealing with bad behaviour with her own DS.

Are there any other strategies that are suitable for a 2-year old?

(Sorry for thread hijack)

Sharaluck Tue 25-Mar-14 06:13:09

I have to remove my ds from all toys/objects and stay with him/talk with him for time out or else things start to fly. He gets angry very quickly. They are all different.

realitygone Tue 25-Mar-14 05:51:06

I would be very unhappy if my dc started hitting one of my cm children.

your cm sounds very unprofessional not dealing with it. In fact I would be concerned what is happening when you leave, is she allowing your dc to be beaten up without showing its not acceptable

definitely try have a clear talk with her and explain your dc has been very upset before coming and your worriedthe hhitting is affecting him. If she doesn't respond how you want her to I would be giving notice

mummytime Tue 25-Mar-14 05:41:08

Well if I was the CM (and I have no experience) I would try to ensure that my DC was occupied when your DC/other children arrived. So they could approach him, and he didn't rush them.

How much experience does she have of children? Does she make it clear to her DC that the behaviour is unacceptable? Does she have any help at arrival time? Has she tried to make changes about how she greets your DC?

twosmallbuttons Mon 24-Mar-14 23:32:24

Thanks for the replies. It's often when I drop DC off, the CM's DS is excited and hits my DC. Sometimes it's over sharing etc, sometimes for no discernible reason sad
The CM knows her DS is behaving badly and tells me, but I'm not sure what else there is she can/should do.

BertieBotts Mon 24-Mar-14 23:26:37

Two that's a tricky situation. I had it with DS and a CM's child. Problem is you don't feel you as a mere parent can offer a trained childminder advice!

In our case I really strongly think that the CM's DC was feeling jealous/resentful of the other child and having to share their mum in general, but when I suggested this to CM she dismissed it.

It actually didn't ever really get resolved, we eventually moved, and although her DC apparently asks about DS he doesn't really seem to miss the DC sad

I think if it was the CM asking for advice I'd say more vigilance when those two in particular are together if it's an issue between those two, lots of one on one time/reassurance for own DC about minded children, and yes to removing the other child but also perhaps more management in general of their play - 2 year olds don't normally play nicely together anyway, it has to be orchestrated really.

mummytime Mon 24-Mar-14 23:23:15

twosmalbuttons - I personally would advise a strong "No" removal and then being ignored and attention being given to the injured child.

Also rewarding the CM's child whenever he is nice/gentle to the other child (and by reward I mean positive attention).

But I would also recommend keeping a record and trying to see a pattern to when the child hits. To see if there are triggers that can be avoided.

twosmallbuttons Mon 24-Mar-14 23:08:49

Can I ask a question? What would you say is appropriate discipline for a just-turned-2 year old who keeps on hitting a not-quite 2 year old? The situation is complicated by it being a childminder's child doing the hitting. The CM has started to remove her DS when he hits, but it doesn't seem to be having much effect.
My DC is starting to get a bit scared of him sad

realitygone Mon 24-Mar-14 21:36:58

Depends on the child shara.

I've had some very strong 'tantrumers' not a had a bottle launched though

bryte Mon 24-Mar-14 21:34:40

With my first child, I felt the need to have plans and strategies in place of smacking, as I adamantly wasn't going to smack my children. I used time outs. By the time I had my second child, 3 years later, I was a bit more clued up about child development and much more chilled out. Often it's the parent who needs to change their expectations and not the child that is able to change their behaviour. I feel quite ashamed of having made my first child sit or stand in time outs. It's easy to think 'I must do something to change this child' but discipline is teaching and with young children it's a drip drip effect.

I used a lot of distracting, redirecting, explaining, moving them from situations that were dangerous and also set them up for success by trying to work in tune with their needs, as well as my own. I was mindful of when they might be in better moods to do things. Were they acting up because they were hungry or tired? That sort of thing.

Sharaluck Mon 24-Mar-14 20:43:51

I couldn't use the glitter bottle. It would be used as a missile hmm

woodrunner Mon 24-Mar-14 19:01:50

LOL Harold Lloyd at the glitter bottle being smeared all over the cosy corner. That's making me laugh till I cough!

Sillylass79 Mon 24-Mar-14 17:43:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cotherstone Mon 24-Mar-14 17:35:58

Again it probably depends on your kids' personalities. Mine generally stays on the step and is aware that she's being, essentially, told off. But no one method of disciplining or discussing things is going to work with all children.

Though the few times she did try and get off the step I just calmly led her back and asked her to sit again, which seemed to work.

UserNameDenied Mon 24-Mar-14 17:24:55

I don't think I would have used timeout with only one child.

TheFabulousIdiot Mon 24-Mar-14 17:20:51

Never done any kind of time out or naughty step. DS in three.

I am more interested in 'Time In' though to be honest we've not had to use that. Maybe I have a higher threshold for 'naughtiness' than others.

UserNameDenied Mon 24-Mar-14 17:20:34

I didn't do stickers/reward chart type of thing, I don't think my kids would have been interested and it sounds like the type of thing that would be tiresome to do.

hollyisalovelyname Mon 24-Mar-14 17:19:07

How do you keep them sitting on the step?
Mine jumped up and ran away through the house.

UserNameDenied Mon 24-Mar-14 17:17:24

I think timeouts worked for us because it made my kids think about their behaviour, it helped them reflect on their mistakes and gave everyone a calming down period. My kids were naturally calm and thoughtful but I still think timeouts helped a lot. I had my four kids very close in age so it could get a bit rowdy and I wanted to avoid being a shouty household.
Timeouts were especially good where there was an aggrieved sibling.
I liked the calm way that I could 'administer' timeouts.

atthestrokeoftwelve Mon 24-Mar-14 17:16:48

sillylass- I'm not sure I would agree with your definition of punishment and reward. I communicate with my OH, but I don't see that as punishing or rewarding his actions. Same with my children.

Goldenbear Mon 24-Mar-14 17:12:26

Well yes Harold I do tend to 'judge' someone who slaps a baby. If I saw this in public I would think there was a huge mismatch in strength and essentially, it was 'domestic violence'.

TheGreatHunt, I didn't ask my DS to sort out the problem with the Toddler at the park- DS was walking past them bith in the steps, he was a bit ahead and turned to look when he heard his sister cry, he told her to come with him but DD wouldn't go past this girl as she was scared. DS is very protective of his little sister and naturally has a paternal approach to her rather than competitive as she is 4 years younger. He is nearly 7 and naturally thinks for himself, your assuming I instructed him to intervene and that isn't the case. I was quite far away and then walked over to DS, DD and the toddler on the steps because the Mother seemed incapable of intervening. When the toddler went to push her again I guided and circumvented DD around the toddler and this is is when I asked DS to take her up the steps. This is when the mother told DD to hit her back if her toddler did it again. I said, 'no, don't do that.'

I'm in no way 'smug' as DD is quite hotheaded like all of us but I refuse to use the naughty step. She is also a bolter and will scoot off very quickly from me and she was/is not great at stopping when asked. We've worked on this over the year and she is pretty good at stopping when asked now- presumably because she is older. Despite this frequent scenario I never used the naughty step, spot whatever! It has not been plain sailing by any means and is absolutely nothing to do with me being 'lucky' to have a compliant child, she is head strong and fiercely independent but I have worked hard at encouraging a placidity with regards to sharing and listening to me a bit more.

Sillylass79 Mon 24-Mar-14 16:39:34

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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