down and upset

[ruty]

I don't really know if this is the best place to post, and I tried to post under an anonymous name but it wouldn't let me so now I'll just have to humiliate myself. I am sure there are people who can't stand me here, so I didn't really want to ask for help but i'm just so fed up right now. DH and I moved to the town we live in just before ds was born. He will be two next month. We are so frigging lonely and it is starting to really get to ds. I think I am a pretty easy going person, OK to talk to, I ask interesting questions and don't think I have a second head I don't know about or anything. And ds just adores other children - he goes up to them and is desperate to befriend them - though he often gets ignored. He had a little friend who we used to meet up with once or twice a week, and I got on with her Mum and that was great, but they left to go back to the States a few months ago and ds really felt the loss. We go to mother and baby groups, and we go to the Park. Ds tries to make eye contact with other kids all the time, with varying degrees of success. Only one mother that I have met from these groups has offered me her phone number - I rang her and we get together sometimes but her dd is a bit older than ds and not very interested in him. We have one other friend who has a dd, again a bit older than ds, and she's not very interested in him either. She can be quite horrible to him, push him and snatch things off him, but I know that's just how kids are sometimes and i suppose he'll have to get used to it.
Today, we went to the park, and there was a group of mothers with toddlers having a picnic on a blanket. Ds took my hand and led me up to the group, and wanted to sit down with them. They ignored us completely. In the end i had to pick him up and take him away, and he started to scream and cry. He cries in the park if anybody leaves - he is so desperate to make friends. It breaks my heart and I feel quite lonely myself. We go to a music class, and at the end of last term, two other mums and I planned to have a picnic after the last class - so I turn up with picnic on the last week, and one of the mums is not there, and the other is meeting her husband for lunch in the pub - and we are not invited. She was obviously embarrassed but the picnic was not mentioned, and I was just hurt and baffled.
Please don;t think I think my ds is better than any other child - I don't and god knows he has his moments of tantrums and horrible behaviour. But he does seem to love other children so much, and is desperate for friends. We live in a tiny flat in an area where most people seem to live in huge houses, and there is not really the room to invite people back to ours, even if I had the courage to.
I just don't know how to turn this around, and feel quite angry that no one has ever bothered to try and welcome us into what seems like a clique. Sorry for rant, you probably think I'm a self pitying twat - so be it.

[broperponkers]

Oh, sweetheart

How old is your DS and where do you live? Are there any other MNers you could meet up with?

Can you go to a group with a focus (baby signing, swimming, music group - not sure if these are appropriate for your age of child) rather than an aimless toddler bash? I loathe M&T groups - loads of women standing about while their children race about. DS1 also seems to loathe them, so I have stopped going and feel v liberated.

(Tis Hunker, btw - sending you a hug because you need one x x x)

[Medulla]

Oh Ruty that's crap, you poor thing. Sending you a hug too Not sure what advice to give you as you seem to be doing as much as you can. The Mumsnet idea sounds like a good one though, where do you live?

[alexw]

Ruty, I'm lonely too. Where do you live? I'm sure MN will help.

[HuwEdwards]

Oh bless, how heartbreaking. I know your name Ruty, but have no idea why you think you might not be liked by some on here.

Anyway, how old is you DS, I take it that he's pre-school. Is he eligible for a nursery place? What about 'swimming' lessons. It is hard, but you just have to keep plugging away at this.

[Medulla]

Selfish moment - I'm really afraid of this happening to me. We're in the forces but DH wants to buy our own house on our next posting in an area we don't know (biscester) because of access to London and Birmingham. Living on a base is artificially friendly which has it's good and bad sides but you are never lonely and usually made to feel welcome. I can't get it over to DH that it won't be like this in Biscester and with him working away I worried I will be alone! Ok selfish moment over, sorry for the hijack

[ruty]

well we're in Oxford Medulla so you can always call on us!
thanks for the replies [and thanks for the hug hunker - that means a lot] I'm a bit embarrassed to go to a MN meet up because I've been is some silly heated discussions here and said some stupid things [probably when i've been feeling down] so too scared to go! Probably not more than some other people but I'm just too embarrassed. We can't really afford nursery, and ds has a lot of food allergies which complicates things - maybe most children his age [two] are in nursery, I don't know. there seems to be quite a few about just none that we know.

[Raggydoll]

where are you ruty?? I live in a village and it is hard to break into the cliques - fortunatley i'm a bit of a toughie and don't get to upset by being ignored . Sometimes you literally have to force the issue... hard i know.

if you are close by I would love to meet up .

[ruty]

thanks raggydoll - don't know if you are anywhere near oxford...

[Raggydoll]

no-one will remeber the rucks - oxford is abit far for me but keep at it - making friends on here helps, what kinds of things are you into?

[glassofwine]

Ruty - I really feel for you. I moved a year ago and it took some time, but I would say now that I have friends and so do the children. The difference is that they are all school or nursery age. It seams to me that when you have children there are two times when you are most likely to make new friends, firstly when they are little babies through NCT and similar and then then next stage is through nursery/school. You are in between. Having said that it just does take time, you're doing all the right stuff, but hang on in there. Sign him up for nursery around here they start at 2, but some start at 2 1/2.

In the meantime, tell us where you are.

[Medulla]

Hey you've made me feel better already Ruty! We're back for a month in September so maybe we could meet up. As for saying some silly things on Mumsnet, I recognise your name and I don't remember anything, things are forgotten and I get the impression people don't hold grudges on here. Also meeting people in RL must be so different to only knowing them on a forum like this. Go along to a meet up - I bet you don't regret it! When we move next year I'll drag you along

[Littlefish]

Hi ruty

I live in a small village and found it really hard to get to know people. I started going to some local NCT (National Childbirth Trust) groups which has really opened up my and dd's social life. We've met a really wide variety of people. Not all of them are people I would choose as my best friends, but they're all pleasant, mostly amusing, kind people to spend time with. I've also met a couple of fantastic people who I love spending time with.

I also offered to host a coffee & play meeting which meant that people came to my house, and now know where I live. We live in an ordinary sized house, and some people hosting them live in much bigger, or much smaller houses - it really doesn't matter.

I don't think you're a self pitying t**t - having a young child can be very isolating.

[ruty]

that is true glass of wine - we did move after we had done the NCT classes in London - and though i kept up with a couple of the mums there, it is hard to get to their meet ups, and i've kind of faded out of their group.

Medulla - thanks for that - let me know when you are around - There is a great designer outlet 'village' in Bicester that it would be great to have an excuse to go to!

[Marina]

Ruty
I'd go to the meet-ups if you feel you can. I "know" your name and when I saw this thread I certainly didn't think, oh yuck, well if it's her I don't blame any of them .
Loneliness such as you describe led me to tout pitiably for friends on here (OK, so it was six years ago now and Mn was a smaller place) and I made lasting, good pals through the site. And that includes people I don't always agree with 100% on everything, honest.
Some of what you have experienced is just sheer thoughtless bad manners, compounded by shame at being caught out. There is a lot of this about IME, but it has nothing to do with you.
Are these people also running the NCT locally, or do you think that is worth a punt? Could you pick your HV's brains for a list of local toddler groups?
Have you checked out Netmums for the local area's child-friendly events?
I am so sorry you are feeling like this. Your ds sounds a sweet, friendly little fellow and neither of you deserve to feel down about this.
Mn is a broad place, I simply refuse to believe you'd be blanked or made unwelcome at a general Oxford meet-up. XXX

[ruty]

and thanks too littlefish - I did actually call the NCT and they said they didn't have any members in this part of Oxford! It is probably silly to worry about the flat/house thing, but we happen to live in a posh part of Oxford where we can't afford to buy [we are looking to buy in a surrounding village at the moment when we sell our London flat, and I am dreading having to start again in an even more unfamiliar area]and people really do have posh houses round here! And our flat it titchy. I do think I'll have more courage to invite people over if/when we finally manage to move.

[Littlefish]

Whereabouts are the nearest members Ruty? I had to drive 12 miles today to go to a coffee & play as I live right on the edge of the area. It's still worth it!

[Marina]

Ruty, for a while we lived in a minute flat in a posh suburb and I was deeply embarrassed about the size of our place in relation to its apparently luxe address.
If your coffee is good and the welcome friendly, people might be less snitty about your small flat than you think. But I know it is very, very hard to take the plunge.

[nogoes]

It is hard isn't it? Your post could have been written by me. I seem to find it hard to make friends as well and I think it is having an impact on ds.

[Marina]

I thought that too littlefish. For a time the NCT was moribund in our particular suburb and the neighbouring branch made more of an effort to welcome incomers from a few miles away. I do think NCT HQ might have been a bit more imaginative and wondered why you might be contacting them...

[welshmum]

Is there a Surestart near you? I made alot of mum friends through there. Another thought is church.
Even if you don't fancy it much they might have a toddlers group?
So sorry you feel so lonely.

[Marina]

Maybe that's only her excuse Fio . But how stupid of her . I've been to fabulous meetings in shoeboxes and chillingly boring ones in borderline mansions.

[welshmum]

and they haveto be friendly in church or they won't go to heaven

[ruty]

well that gives me a nudge littlefish - I'll ring NCT again and find out!

Thanks for the kind words and advice Marina and FioFio. Maybe I'll try to pluck up the courage to invite someone round to our hovel next term when the groups start again. One mother who took my number said to me for about eight weeks running 'Oh I know your number, I'm going to call you!' And never did. At least she's`stopped telling me she will now when she smiles brightly at me in the park.
Nogoes - sorry to hear you're in the same situation.