Which attitudes and behaviours do you want to teach your child to avoid?

[ChocolateWombat]

I'm thinking in terms no deep seated attitudes which lead to certain behaviours.

One example I have seen displayed by so teenagers is total rudeness to cleaners and shop assistants. When asked about it, the comment has been 'they are only cleaners' or 'its their job, so why should I say Thankyou'.

Other things that rile you and you are very keen to avoid?

[lljkk]

humho... I've lost that idealism, sorry. Just one day at a time, here.

[ChocolateWombat]

HI Lljkk. That's funny, because I just replied to a post from you on another thread.
Sorry if life is a bit of a struggle for you. I bet you do have things you see around you and values you are giving your kids though, even if not consciously doing it.

[lljkk]

Tell you something funny... yr7 DD says she now has the sort of friends she always wanted, finally. Had a good time in primary, btw, but even better now.
The thing is, from what she tells me, the friends are what could be called the same social class as us. Even her brand-new boyfriend ticks similar boxes (I think).
I was raised to be very egalitarian, friends from every type of background, but I'm feeling a bit shocked about DD's situation. There must be tonnes of values we transmit without knowing it.

[ChocolateWombat]

Yes I think you're right. We don't have to say anything. Our actions speak louder than words.
I try not to be a hypocrite and tell my child we should behave one way and then discredit what I've said through what I do.
Do you feel your child is developing the attitudes and behaviours you would like? I realise that older ones in particular are affected a lot by their friends, not just parents.

[cory]

I like the one you mention, OP. Though possibly less of an issue for us as many of dc's friends' parents are cleaners and shop assistants.

Also not to be supercilious about people with MH issues. Or people who struggle with learning. Sometimes shocks me how the same teens who would never dream of making fun of somebody with a recognised learning disability can sneer quite openly at the "thickos" in bottom set. Whilst secretly terrified that they themselves may one day prove part of the same "thickos".

[ChocolateWombat]

Cory, great example.
probably want to avoid most Daily Mail attitudes to be honest (but there is already a thread running on that, so don't want to get into a debate about Daily Mail)

My other big one, would be for my child to learn to be willing and able to admit when they have done something wrong, rather than look to blames others etc. I'm still working on that myself! Seems endemic in society today though for so e to not accept responsibility for anything they have done.

[YoureBeingASillyBilly]

Lljk it mightnt necessarily be the values you have passed down but rather the comfort she feels in familiarity and the fact that the closer in social class her friends are to her the more common experiences and interests they share.

[lljkk]

back to the question... I'd really like them to not be smokers (or addicts). Or go get blotto drunk as a habitual thing. On a less horrid note, I'm pretty snooty about littering of any kind, too.

As a result there's DS2 who litters just to wind me up (sigh). I can but try...

[ChocolateWombat]

Yes to no littering. My parents were always very strict about that and clear that littering is disgusting. Apart from the odd time of doing it, like your child, to create an effect, we wouldn't have ever considered littering.

How about to positive things too, like holdi g doors open for people, giving up ones seat etc.

[ellesabe]

I would like them to learn how to not hold a grudge.

[ChocolateWombat]

Ellesabe, and along the same lines, I would like mine not to quickly take offence in the first place. Some people seem so touchy and hyper sensitive about everything. I hope to show them that mostly people have not intended to offend.
I think if we can build self confidence and self belief in our children, they are less likely to take offence, because people who are easily offended often have underlying issues of a lack of confidence, which allow them to listen too much to what others say and only hear things in a negative way.
(Ooh amateur psychology....just what I've observed)

[capsium]

Complaining, venting and moaning wastes time. Either choose positive action or forget about whatever is bothering you and focus on something more positive.

I'd say this. Within reason though, because everybody gets upset from time to time. However I would try to shift the focus onto something more positive.

[BocaDeTrucha]

Chocolate, along the lines of owning up to doing wrong, I think honesty is one of the most important values a child can grow up to have. To not be deceitful, admit mistakes, and be sincere. I know it's something I need to work on but being a primary school teacher, I see dishonesty a lot in some children and it makes me more determined than ever to encourage ds to be honest at all times.

[LastingLight]

Distinguish between inconveniences and disasters, and not treat them the same.
Treat people who are different with kindness.
Be assertive and not aggressive or a pushover.

[BobPatSamandIgglePiggle]

I'd like him to sit somewhere between being able to stand up for himself and thinking the world revolves around him.

I'd like him to have 'automatic' manners - he's just turned 2 and I'm training him to say please and thankyou. I don't want to still be prompting him at 15.

To understand that a job is a job. I hear teenagers that i teach saying they'd never clean toilets, collect rubbish etc. If i ask them who should they say 'someone beneath me'. It's outrageous.

[NCISaddict]

I spent a lot of time teaching my children to ' treat other people as you would like to be treated yourself' which I took to mean treating people with courtesy regardless of their job, colour, nationality religion etc. offering to help people who are struggling and being tolerant of people who have different views and opinions.
That did not mean that they had to agree with everyone or that they couldn't challenge views they thought were wrong but they should do it without resorting to being aggressive or abusive.

[ChocolateWombat]

All great. Loving the one about realising which things are inconveniences and which disasters. Yes, yes to them developing a sense of perspective.

Along with that, I want mine to have resilience. When something goes wrong, to think about it and decide what to do next, not give up, totally defeated and unable to face any other challenge.

[vladthedisorganised]

Exactly what BobPatSam said.

I'm working on DD having a global view of things too - it's very easy not to see beyond your backyard, and understanding that there's a world beyond us with its own challenges and a lot we can learn from is a valuable thing.

I had hoped I'd teach DD that it's good to have a questioning nature - but she's doing better than my sanity can handle on that one

[ladyquinoa]

I was so proud when my usually lovely DS said sorry to one of his close friends recently. It was such a big thing to do. I do try and lead by example - so will apologise myself.

To avoid being ultra competitive, dominating, bigging yourself up and putting others down. All connected traits. I really dislike that sort of behaviour and never warm to children who behave in such a way. They usually take after their parents!! My kids tend to be able but understated and the opposite of showy offy.

[ladyquinoa]

Also agree with treating others the way you want to be treated. Giving perspective on things is also important.

[wordfactory]

I dislike the following so wouldn't want to see it in my DC:

Laziness.
Pessimism.
Lack of imagination/empathy.
Perfectionism.
Being whingy.
Weak.
Inflexibility.

[CalamityKate]

Just kindness and politeness to everyone really.

Also I was having a good old chat to DS2 (10) earlier. Can't remember how we got on the subject but apparently at school the kids reckon boys shouldn't hit girls but it's ok for girls to hit boys

Glad he told me that. I was able to push home the message that nobody should be hitting anyone, ever for any reason (except self defence obvs).


And then Blurred Lines came on and he said "I know what the word is they miss out. It's B-I-T-C-H isn't it? Is that a bad word?" and I said well it's all in context - it's the correct term for a female dog but if, for example I ever hear you, even in ten years time, call a woman a bitch I'll be furious.

Which led on to a conversation about how some people treat/speak to their partner, and me saying to DS "Do you know the worst thing your dad has ever said to me?" and him all agog going "No! What did he say to you??" and me recounting how in the middle of an argument, DH at his very angriest, he said "You silly woman!!!" (I was indeed being wilfully and stroppily very silly) and I was devastated because he'd never spoken to me like that before (and to this day that's the nastiest and crossest he's ever got).

DS was all "Is that it?!" and I said yes, because your dad respects me and loves me and even when he's cross he wouldn't call me horrible names because you can have a disagreement without getting nasty.

I know kids are influenced by all sorts of things when they're growing up but I like to think that these casual, unplanned conversations stick in their heads.