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Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Behaviour/development

how can a 14mo be so angry with the world?

35 replies

Tutter · 02/08/2006 19:27

i know he's got it particularly bad at the moment (mouth full of cold sores and cutting premolars) but ds has always been pretty damned unhappy with his lot. you could never describe him as a happy baby. he will have happy moments, but far fewer happy ones than miserable ones.

he is very impatient, shouts at things and people, slaps me, cries when put in his pram, cries when he's taken out of it (ditto car seat, and highchair), doesn't enjoy feeding, etc etc.

when he was little he was diagnosed with colic (whatever that meanas) but i just wonder whether he's an unhappy baby. i'm quite highly strung, and have read recently about the effects of cortisol (what your body produces when it's under stress) - now i worry that he's the way he is because of the way i am - that he may have been effected in the womb and by my behaviour since.

i get pretty upset myself when he's having a bad day. try to convince myself that it's just a phase (it'll get better when he's crawling/walkinh/talking) but i'm not sure.

anyone any words of wisdom?

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Tutter · 02/08/2006 19:28

affected

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loomer · 02/08/2006 19:34

Sorry Tutter, I don't have any wisdom for you (as a mother of one six month old), but I do know that Tracy Hogg in her Baby Whisperer book lists five different 'categories' of baby, and one of these is Grumpy. She implies that some babies are just born that way, and there ain't nothing you can do to change it, just try to anticipate their needs and make them as least grumpy as possible.

It sounds like your baby is hard work, and I think in the circumstances you should go easy on yourself - certainly try not to dwell on the whys and wherefores. The last thing you need is to be labouring under a cloud of guilt over your behaviour during pregnancy.

Tutter · 02/08/2006 19:39

thanks loomer. i have tracy hogg's book somewhere - will dig it out.

it's seriously making me think twice about having a second child. not sure i could keep going if another were as unhappy as ds. i'm sure people think i'm a bit sad when i say i've had a tough day - others manage with many kids, but i really don't think many babies are as hard work as mine.

it really should go without saying but i sound so mean that i must just point out that i adore my son

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CorrieDale · 02/08/2006 19:50

If it's any consolation, Dr Sears thinks that high-need babies, if they have sensitive mothers - like the kind who get pretty upset themselves, grow up to be the movers and shakers of society.

FairyMum · 02/08/2006 19:53

High-need baby as described by Sears is not the same as a grumpy, unhappy baby

Tutter · 02/08/2006 19:58

fairymum - so does that mean that my grumpy, unhappy baby will not become a mover and shaker of society then?!?

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Tutter · 02/08/2006 19:59

(thanks CD)

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CorrieDale · 02/08/2006 20:02

I thought Tutter's description of him sounded high-needy. But have had another look and perhaps not! Does this? sound like your DS? If not, then please ignore pathetic attempt to console. Hopes raised, just to be dashed...

sparklemagic · 02/08/2006 20:05

Tutter, Sorry to hear he's such hard work...I really would NOT blame yourself, I do think some babies are simply like this; I have a friend who had 2 boys, one of whom was serene and easy going and one very much like your DS, so it certainly wasn't down to her parenting, as they were dealt with in the same way by the same mum!

But I do think if you are drained from dealing with this ALL the time, it can't be helping your interaction with eachother. I think my advice would simply be to try to make sure you get some time out for yourself because you need to be refreshed and recharged sometimes in order to deal with a demanding baby. Do you get any breaks from him? Do you have anyone who can give you a day (or half a day) off on a regular basis? Because it can't hurt your ds if his mum comes back to him feeling better and feeling less drained!

Tutter · 02/08/2006 20:05

thanks anyway CD

in parts it does sound like him - e.g. constantly 'wired' - muscles tensing, etc and needing to be responded to quickly. but other things not so...

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FairyMum · 02/08/2006 20:07

No, I am sure he will be Tutter!CorrieDale, perhaps you are right. I always thought of Sears concept of high-need being more about babies being demanding, sensitive and clingy (like wanting to held all the time etc). But re-reading the link you posted, I think you have a point.

Tinker · 02/08/2006 20:07

My mum's first sounds like yours. She then went on to have dream baby - happy, biddable etc.

I resist mentioning she then went on to have me but, no reason 2nd will be as difficult

chipkid · 02/08/2006 20:15

tutter, I have two children. Ds who is now 5 is and always has been high maintenance. He is emotionally volatile, challenges every boundary etc etc. I have had the same agonies as you all through his development-is it me? what am I doing so wrong? ....then dd came along she is easier and sweeter than any child I have ever encountered. It is just her nature. I believe that nature is such a strong influence and all we can do is to attempt to meet the needs of our difficult children as best we can.
good luck

charliecat · 02/08/2006 20:18

My dd was like this, I can tell you she is now calm and nice and sometimes helpful at 8. But when she flips shes like a ...a..volcano, but 97% of the time shes lovely.
My 2nd dd was no comparison happy, slept well, happy to do anything/nothing.
I realised that NOTHING would make her happy and stopped trying...took the pressure off me if nothing else

charliecat · 02/08/2006 20:19

Oh, a head massage worked wonders for an hours peace, maybe put a video on and lay him on the sofa to do it

CorrieDale · 02/08/2006 20:19

I really do believe that there's some kind of dishing out of babies that results in no. 1 being either a dream or a nightmare, and no. 2 being the exact opposite. The number of mothers who say "if I'd had no.2 first..." etc. Including my mum!

Mirage · 02/08/2006 21:24

Tutter your ds sounds like my dd2.She was a very unhappy baby & cried a lot.I started a thread because I was at my wits end with her.

However,she can now walk & is so much happier than she was (she is 15 months).Even my mum & sister,who look after her when I'm at work & are both trained,experienced nannies,have said that she is a changed child.

I know that it isn't me,because dd1 is/was the easiest baby ever-possibly why dd2 seemed like such a shocker afterwards.I think dd2 just didn't like being a baby & wanted to be able to do what everyone else was doing,but got frustrated when she couldn't.

I hope things get better for you soon.

kittywits · 02/08/2006 21:48

Tutter. I've got 5 young ones, the oldest is 7. One thing that having lots of kiddies has enabled me to realise is that to a certain extent you get what you are given!

Ds1 cried solidly for the first 4 months of his life, then he chilled and has continued to be a delight

My ds2 though was always a miserable and defiant little s*d. When he was still a babe in arms we had the usual string of nice old ladies coming up to us in the street smiling and cooing at him and he would look at them with such a stoney face that they would quickly turn away, it was so embarassing. I would think "Please, please smile at them"
Then once to my absolute astonishment, (and is was so astonishning that I can still remember the details,) a large liverpuddlian man with very ginger hair came up to talk to him, he was about 5 months old and he smiled a huge smile. I could not beleive it!
As a toddler he was a defiant nightmare, always up against the boundaries, as a young child the same. Making progress with him was like wading through treacle. He seemed so miserable and angry. He never wanted to please and was always causing trouble.
I spent many a time weeping with frustation that all my efforts seemed to be coming to nothing. However, I had no choice but to continue pushing forward.
Now at 6 we are making headway and he is nice alot of the time. He's also turned out to be quite bright and I wonder whether some of his earlier behaviour was down to sheer frustration and or boredom, things improved when he went to school.
He is still nearly always at the centre of arguments amoungst his sibs. On his own he is delightful and interesting. I think he should have been an only child!!

The next one was a delight, bonny, happy and funny, well until she hit 2! she's great again though at 4.

The next one was a challenge like her bigger brother, but she had charm and could make me laugh in between the tantrums( she's 2.10).

The baby 7 months is extraordinarily placid. hardly cries, sleeps endlessly, so we'll see. I'm preg with no. 6 and if this one sticks I've no doubt I'll have yet another personality to fathom.

So what I'm saying in a VERY long winded way
( sorry) is that they are all different and they all change. It's not you. Your challenge is to learn to manage the different personalities and needs. Each one of mine has needed a different parenting tactic.

Remember above all that what is awful now WON'T stay awful, it just feels that way sometimes!

Tutter · 03/08/2006 06:56

thanks for your words of support and encouragement - especially for your very long and helpful post kittywits!

showed dh the thread last night and regret it now. he didn't say as much, but his OTT happy daddiness with ds this mornign has made me feel like bad cop.

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poopy · 03/08/2006 07:47

Dear Tutter ... I think what Kittywits says here - "So what I'm saying in a VERY long winded way
( sorry) is that they are all different and they all change. It's not you. Your challenge is to learn to manage the different personalities and needs." - is so right.
It is very hard and demoralising when you have a difficult baby. DS was extremely difficult as a baby and I found it a constant struggle to enjoy him and enjoy being a mother to him. He spent his first 6 months crying as a baby (if he was awake he cried). He got a bit happier when he could sit up (but was still pretty grumpy). The breakthrough was when he began to learn to talk (around 15 months) - the change was incredible and by 2 he was the loveliest toddler. But also I think, by then, I had got to understand him and work out how to deal with him.
He is still (at the age of 6) a high maintenance child - he needs a lot of input and talks incessantly and it really is his personality. He seems to focus on the negative before he focusses on the positive - if he goes out to a playdate and I ask him how it went he will always tell me first what didn't go well before he tells me what he enjoyed about it ... his dad is a bit like that.
I really think that his grumpy crying stuff as a baby was just his way of talking ... and getting pissed off with life because no one could understand him ...
Luckily for us he was an early talker so things improved really quickly when he could express himself in words.

DD on the other hand was the happiest baby ever - never cried, rarely grizzled ... she is low maintenance in terms of playing happily without much extra input from me (although I have to watch her as she is lethal with pens/pencils/mascara if I am not on the ball ) She has her difficult toddler moments and is a late talker (still a bit delayed at 2 and a half) but she isn't frustrated by it ....

All children (like all adults) are different ... and you just need to work out a strategy that works with you and your DS to make your days a bit smoother and less fraught .... don't just follow a book as one size won't fit all!

jambot · 03/08/2006 09:16

Tutter - a good friend of mine has a son who sounds just like yours. He was a total nightmare for the first year and only improved when he started to walk and was able to communicate to some degree. Now at 20 months he is a sweet child on the whole, but he is still quite moody and she is never sure whether he'll wake up smilling or crying. At least now that he is so busy playing with his toys and running around, he seems less inclined to be miserable. Hopefully your DS will improve with age.

Tutter · 03/08/2006 09:18

thanks poopy. i noticed an improvement when he started to crawl, then lately he's been getting very frustrated and impatient again. i doubt he'll be an early talker though - no intelligible (sp.?) words as yet (just "ma" to everyone) so not sure when the next improvemnt will come...!

he seems to get bored very quickly, so i think i'll just have to keep on finding new activities for us. he's my only one so at least i have the time to humour him and focus on his needs.

cbeebies has been my saviour - he does seem to enjoy, and be stimulated by, visual things as well as activity time.

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Tutter · 03/08/2006 09:18

thanks jambot. i hope so too

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Tutter · 03/08/2006 09:20

you know what would help, as well - if he were more affectionate. he's never been a cuddly baby - didn't really like to be held, even as a newborn - and so i don't get many of the sweet loving moments to make up for the slaps and pushes.

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eefs · 03/08/2006 09:32

have you ever tried cranial osteopathy? DS2 was a hard baby, never slept for longer than 20 min, fed in short bursts very very frequently etc etc. This really semed to make a difference with him at that stage. I've heard similar positive reports on the effects of this.

If nothing else at least he gets a nice massage

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