My ds has recently turned 3 and started 15hrs of pre-school which is 5 afternoons a week. The taster session and home visit were brilliant and I was very excited about how much he was going to enjoy it and benefit from it. He has been going to a very good cm 2 days a week since he was 9mo so I knew this kind of setting would be a big change for him (he is still at cm's for those days and she takes him to pre-school those afternoons).
Since day 1, drop-offs at pre-school have been very traumatic with ds becoming extremely distressed when either dh or I take him. He is fine and doesn't cry when cm drops him off. However, he tells me he is sad at school and cries there and begs me to not go to work and to stay at home with him. I have spoken to his teacher and she assures me that he is not upset for long and that although he seems a little 'lost' hé is joining in and playing.
The problem is, he now cries when I take him to the cm as well. The whole walk over there this morning he was pleading with me not to take him and saying he doesn't like it. I know he enjoys his time there, when I pick him up he is always having a great time. But the separation from me is distressing him so much and he is able to articulate this in heartrending terms. I will have to take him to pre-school myself tomorrow afternoon and am already dreading it. It tears me up to leave him when heis begging me not to.
I am tempted to remove him from pre-school and take the 15 hrs with the cm instead (would actually save money then!). However, would I just be delaying the problem? If I start him at 4, will it be just as hard?
Also a big concern is that dc2 is due at Easter and all I can think about is that this will be another huge upheaval for ds. I can't bear the feeling that I have traumatised him by having to go to work (financially necessary, if we could survive on dh's salary I would quit in a heartbeat!). Now I am worried that a new baby will bring about yet more stress and worry. I am having difficulty getting excited about a newborn, all I can think of is the continuing stress and upset we are all currently experiencing.
Every day I either have to drop him at pre-school or cm's and I just can't stand any more heartbreaking goodbyes, prising him off my leg, smiling and being positive whilst he weeps and pleads and then the gnawing anxiety and guilt that plagues me for the rest of the day. It is a huge black cloud over me all the time and I'm so afraid of causing him permanent damage by putting him through this even though I know there are benefits to pre-school, the cm and a new sibling. I just don't know how much more of the guilt I can take!
I know this is a very long-winded post but what I want to know is other people's experience of this kind of separation anxiety, any way of helping him and whether or not this will be worth it in the end!
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Behaviour/development
Separation Anxiety in 3yo destroying me with guilt
OrangeMochaFrappucino · 20/01/2014 17:45
Watching with interest. Dd is currently doing the same when I drop her off at playgroup. She's 2.9yo so doesn't need to go but I know her well enough to know that we would have the same problem whenever she started. 
My DS started pre-school just before the summer hols, so going back in September was like starting all over again. We've had some really traumatic drop off's with them having to peel him off me screaming & crying 'mummy don't leave me...mummy I want you...' Gulp. You'd think after 2 years of the same at nursery I'd be hardened to it but it still tugs at the old heart strings every time.
The CM takes him one day/week & like your ds he doesn't cry for her. Why it makes a difference I don't know - sometimes I just think its to make us parents feel guilty! The staff say he settles very quickly once I've gone & he always comes out smiling at the end of the day, telling me what a nice day he's had, so I just try to focus on that.
My DS starts school this September, so I haven't got the option to delay his pre-school start for another year, & I feel that for him, the benefit of getting to know his peers now to ease his transition into school, outweighs the tears.
On a practical note, DS is very sensitive & gets overwhelmed very easily by crowded / noisy group situations, which doesn't help at drop-off time. So I try to take him after most of the other parents have dropped their kids off, so its less hectic. He seems to cope better that way & gets much less anxious. He also takes a favourite teddy as a comfort item, & we're finding if the staff can engage him in conversation when we arrive, this puts him at ease. Last week he went in with no tears for the first time 
How long has your DS been going OP? If its very recent, it may be worth hanging in there a while longer - its a huge change for him from being at home with you 3 days/week to suddenly having to go every single day, and it may just take some time for him to adjust to the new routine. If he's already had one successful drop off, it may not take too long.
If he continues to struggle, could you see if pre-school would be willing to work with you to gradually phase him in? We did this with DS - started with an hour & gradually extended it to a morning, then added another morning, then we worked on gradually extending him to 2 full days. Or would another option be to reduce the number of days he goes, but put him in for a full day instead of half? i.e. instead of 5 afternoons, do 2 or 2.5 days? That way he could still have some mummy time with you?
Hope you manage to come to an arrangement you are all happy with.
Aw well done! :)
My dd was better yesterday too. She howled all the way there and then stopped as soon as she saw her key worker! 
She's still clingy there but I think it's getting better. :)
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