Disastrous playdate and now the mum will not return my calls. I need your thoughts on this please!

[playdatefromhell]

changed names in case this is a mumsnetter!

had a boy from ds's class over last week (boy aged 4 and a half). Had originally arranged to meet in the playground (he is very boisterous) but they were over an hour late so I came home and she knocked on my door later (I think this was a deliberate ploy by her!). He is and always has been a very defiant child - always convinced he is right and never listens to his mum, even though she is quite fierce and uses all sorts of discipline tactics - should also point out that she has a 2 month old baby.


Soooo, in they come - his mum gives him some crisps which he empties on my carpet and stamps on them (she rolls her eyes up to the ceiling and mutters something like 'boys! I am sorry!')

I put them in the garden - 20 mins later, ds runs in and the boy has kicked ALL his balls over the fence. I go and get them, ask the boy not to do it again and he deliberately does it all over again and kicks 2 so far that we never retrieve them. The mum asks if there is a problem, I tell her and she says 'well your garden is quite small, he is used to higher fences but X, if you can't play nicely come inside'

I get a snack (piece of cake) - he shoves the whole thing in his mouth then spits it at dd and ds. He gets sent outside by his mum (in the meantime, chucks all the balls over the fence again) and then comes in laughing with a bucket of soil which he chucks on the carpet.

Finally, he wants to wear ds's clothes. I say no problem. Mum says no (as he has been wetting himself deliberately since baby was born) so he runs into the room with the carpet and does a massive poo and wee in his pants so he gets to wear ds's clothes as she doesn't have a change of clothes.

She asks me if I think they should leave and I said yes (because it's going to take me ages to sort out the carpet and dh is off overseas and I want to spend some time with him when he gets home rather than clearing up). I didn't give her reason just that I thought it might be better if they went.

So they were due to return ds's clothes (his most loved sport's shirt - didn't have a chance to veto this as was so busy clearing up poo) but have heard no word from them and ds needs his sport's kit for a sport camp he is doing. Do you think this is embarrassment or do you think I should just go round and knock on their door?

Should say that when I agreed they should leave she looked really put out and made some comment about how he was fine at other people's houses and how I hadn't arranged many games/activites for them to do!

[GeorginaA]

Personally I would consider the loss of a sports shirt a small price to pay to get rid of them, tbh. Sorry, not very constructive, I know.

Take ds out tomorrow with him able to choose any shirt he pleases, then go home and celebrate the fact you won't have to deal with the woman and her spawn again...

[GeorginaA]

sorry was meant to be

Must write out ten times:

short cuts that work on MSN do not work on Mumsnet
short cuts that work on MSN do not work on Mumsnet
short cuts that...

[twinsetandpearls]

It is embarressment, how well do you know her. Maybe drop a nice card through her door.

[alittlebitshy]

blimey! All i can say is I think you did well holding your temper, and not ASKING them to go sooner.

From what you say about this mum I don't think it is embarrassment. She sounds as if it was all your fault in her eyes. Mad fool.

If you;re brave enough, go round!!!

OMG though, what a little terror.

[Twiglett]

she sounds knackered, exasperated and as though she has a newborn

of course she's embarrassed

have you said in phone messages that you need his sports kit back?

you may well have to write it off unfortunately

he does sound a bit of a 'mare

[anorak]

I understand she is embarrassed but she should be apologising! This is outrageous! She won't return your calls!

She ought to be calling you to apologise profusely.

[playdatefromhell]

I do feel bad for her because I think his behaviour has become worse since the baby has arrived but she has decided to handle this by not drawing attention to it (so by ignoring the behaviour) rather than really telling him off which may well work at home but I don't think you can let your child get away with it in other people's houses! She (and her husband) have always had an attitude that this boy is fine on his own and only acts this way with other boys so they never blame him for his poor behaviour, only the boys he is with!!

She knows I need the kit - when she left, she arranged with me a time to drop it off but never arrived. Maybe I'll just pop round and say I have to be quick!

[Kittypickle]

Sounds like a nightmare. In the normal scheme of things I would say write off the shirt. But newborns do very strange things to some of us (or was that just me ?) She's probably completely mortified, wishing she hadn't got so defensive and too embarrassed to phone. I would stick a note through the door saying you are sorry it ended as it did, hope that she's OK and would it be possible when she has a minute to pop the shirt back, or that you could collect it if that makes it easier for her.

[twinsetandpearls]

She should be calling you to apologise but she is probably too embaressed and sitting at home cringing. You culd be a kind supportive woman and make the first move.

[playdatefromhell]

maybe I will just pop round

I think deep down she did feel quite bad (she looked a bit forlorn when I said they should leave but I really couldn't handle much more before I snapped)

[playdatefromhell]

thanks for your thoughts - I was so pissed off at the time that I needed to get it into perspective!

[sparklemagic]

I would happily forget the shirt personally in order to not see them again!!!! My god.....he and his mum have obviously got into a situation where the attention is all negative, but he continues in the same vein as negtive is better than none...pooing and peeing in his pants at 4.5yrs is quite something, too....poor boy sounds a lost soul, but I'm afraid you're not going to be able to do anything and personally I would avoid playdates with them. Sad for the mum, with a newborn and all but you can't be doing with this!

If you do still want to keep in touch you could do playdates outside the home - soft play?

I wouldn't, tho.

[eenywifemum]

I am appalled at this!!! God I would be fuming if I were you. This boy sounds like a total brat and she needs to NOT unleash his poor behaviour on innocent bystanders! How they want to ignore this at home is their business but I would be mortified if I were her.

She probably is and I feel sorry for her because maybe she doesnt know what to do but the least she could have done would be return your DS's clothes! I would politely go ask for them back, you dont have to just let them have them!

Sorry if I sound harsh its just I dont think she should just assume those clothes were a gift or anything! They dont belong to her son!

[TwoToTango]

Wow, you have got a lot of patience. I agree that she is probably embarrased. I would just pop round and say that I know she has probably been busy but your son needs the shirt. If you ask her to bring it back you risk her coming in with her son and possibly another nightmare.

[playdatefromhell]

yes that's exaactly it sparkle - now you've pointed it out I can see they are in a totally negative attention vicious circle!

I really don't want to see them again but part of me feels a bit sorry for her. I did originally arrange to meet in the park but she never turned up (I think she is worried about how he will act in public). I will just nip in to get the shirt and then make my excuses!

[wanderingstar]

I was trying to make allowances for the woman until the last sentence of your post !

I'd "forgiven" her for being late and thus inconveniencing you, rationalised her son's behaviour to an extent because of the new baby, BUT blaming you for his behaviour is really out of order. He won't learn to behave at all if he hears her excusing his bad behaviour and saying it's all because of the circumstances around him. The poor boy's not going to have many friends left at this rate.

[stitch]

loss of the kits is a small price to pay imo.
dontbother withthis woman again.

[WideWebWitch]

Agree with everyone, they're a pita, go and buy new shirt, don't invite them again.

[spidermama]

I think she should have apologised to you, got her ds to apologise, and left of her own accord. It was manipulative and unfair to ask you if you wanted her to leave. Doesn't this woman take any responsibility for anything?

I'd have been fuming. I see too many parents raising little tyrants these days. It's bad for the kids and extremely anti social.

[brimfull]

god ,how awful .
I agree ,forget the shirt and lose the friend.

[anniebear]

I would want the shirt back though!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I would call for it , but without your son if that is possible

[Miaou]

It does occur to me that maybe her ds has since trashed the shirt, hence why she has not returned it or your calls

I had (note, had) a friend like this, who would cover her embarrassment at her son's behaviour by a) ignoring itand b) blaming it on my dd/me/anyone else except herself. Yet if the situation was reversed she would be very quick (and pleased) to point out any bad behaviour in my dd and expect me to do something about it! Some people are like that - one rule for them and one rule for everyone else.

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