to think they need to man up ur not the first or last person to have a baby

(38 Posts)
bella411 Sun 05-Jan-14 09:26:10

Sil just had her first baby middle of dec... We had our first baby April this year.

Since sil has had newborn she moved back in with her parents (at 30yo) n still with partner who mostly stays at his/their house. But more annoyingly she is expecting us to all work round her! For example nye we had all arranged to go to my sisters n myself, do n dd were stopping at sisters with my m&d. But sil decided few days before it was too cold to take her ds out but wanted us to go to her parents for nye but then get a taxi after midnight to go to my sisters. I refused as dd was to stick to her routine of bath, bottle bed albeit a bit later than normal. But no way was I taking travel cot to her mums to then wake dd up, wrap her up n put in taxi home to then try n get her asleep again. So sil n her parents didn't come nye.

Dp parents said they would come visit us on new years day, but then a few hours later cancelled sayin they couldn't leave sil on her own (even for an hour or 2) as her partner was off to watch football.

Sil has only had 1 nights at her own home as then got hysterical n made her parents come pick her up.

I'm not sayin lookin after a new born isn't overwhelming but I too bf dd (n still looked after dd after emcs ) but as my Dp said she has got to get into her own routine at home with her Dp n her ds needs to get use to his own home. Sil hasn't had a day on her own, so has got to learnt to do simple tasks with a baby. She lives an hour away from her folks (when she eventually goes home) but her dp works ft n will be out of the house 8 til 6 so she's really got to use to being on her own n her own routine.

Does she need a case of man up or am I being harsh. As when we said to parents about why she can't be left alone they just dismiss it.

Livvylongpants Tue 14-Jan-14 13:31:03

My my stayed for 5 days when DS was born. If I could have got her to stay for 3 weeks I would of. And he was my second! No Shame in needing help to find your feet with first baby

minipie Tue 14-Jan-14 00:22:33

All babies are different.

My DD could not be put down at all, ever (without waking and crying) and slept only on my chest or in a moving pram for the first 3-4 months. She was also very difficult to feed and slow to gain weight.

My mum visited every day for 3 months, bless her. that enabled me to get some sleep (not a lot) and get some food. she also helped me stay calm about the feeding and weight. if she hadn't come round, I wouldn't have been able to BF I expect and I certainly would have been a total wreck (even more than I was!). it was not "hiding" or a failure to "man up" for me to accept her help, it was the best option at the time to get through a very difficult time and I am lucky to have had it.

Don't ever judge a parent for not doing what you did. You didn't have their baby.

dingalong Mon 13-Jan-14 17:39:12

I

TwittyMcTwitterson Sun 12-Jan-14 10:47:53

Don't think OP is being that harsh. Everyone should have support but this is a little far. She must be struggling/pnd or just generally scared. I live two hours from my family and one from DPs.

I had an emergency section so had to stay in hospital for three days. I was calm(ish) in hospital as if I got stuck I could ask the midwives for help. On the day I was told I could leave, they could tell I was terrified and offered for me to stay until I was comfortable with leaving. (DD had jaundice, a nurse noticed but forgot to tell anyone before she went home. I thought she was just tanned and all new babies sleep don't they?! Shook me up as I thought what could have happened and didn't trust myself again for a long time)

Anyway, I thought it was best to go home. Set up our little family and heron with it. The longer you put it off, the scarier it gets.

At the end of the day, you have your baby with you partner not your parents. Support is excellent but she is leaning on them too much. I would get her to talk to hv about her worries xx

ZombiesAreClammyDodgers Thu 09-Jan-14 00:34:00

She's three WEEKS in FFS! I am v independent by nature but I certainly appreciated some help in those first few weeks especially as I could barely hobble about with the stitches and post stitch issues, and swollen feet the first week, and terrifyingly painful nipples.
I think you should woman up and cut her some slack!

SimLondon Wed 08-Jan-14 21:39:31

A slightly different perspective - a close relative of mine couldn't cope on her own with a newborn, tried to hide it and had a breakdown. However that left everyone else with the anticipation that i would be the same and I was told by several relatives that I would not be able to cope that 'no-one is able to cope on their own with a newborn' - now luckily I wasn't actually on my own, i had a very hands on partner so we split the getting up in the night, i also had help in the form of a cleaner and i got out everyday to baby groups.

Maybe your sister/SIL? is in a vulnerable place mentally as my relative was, and doesn't have a supportive partner?

Thundercrackers Tue 07-Jan-14 18:02:58

I'm so flipping glad you are not my sister! Medals all round that you have found having a baby such a breeze- your sister obviously doesn't and needs your support, not your judgement. You can bet your bottom dollar that she is acutely aware of how well you have coped and is measuring herself against you and finding herself lacking. Please don't let this drive a wedge between you all- help her as much as you can by being supportive and patient and she will grow in confidence when she ia ready. if she is suffering with pnd, she will need all the love and support possible.

Upcycled Tue 07-Jan-14 09:40:11

What a lucky new mum your SIL is for all the support she is getting from her OWN parents and I bet you are jeaulous.

Womnaleplus Tue 07-Jan-14 09:36:09

Compassion, empathy, kindness...a bit more of these things would enrich your life as well as hers, OP.

JRmumma Tue 07-Jan-14 09:31:00

My first observation here is that you talk about her negatively for not taking her baby out on NYE when you refused to do so. So what's the difference? Yes a newborn will not have a routine like your child might have by now but maybe you could have sucked that up instead? She is a new mum who clearly lacks confidence whereas this wouldn't have been as stressful for you if you are more capable.

BUT saying that, I have a friend that moved back in with parents when baby was born, but under different circumstances. she tells me now that she regrets it as although the help was great at the time, it has affected the relationship she has and her partner has with their child as the lines between parents and grandparents are a bit blurred because she let them do too much (her words not mine).

I agree that she WILL need to learn to do it on her own/with her partner at some point but if she is not ready then its probably best for now that she stays where she has the support she needs.

Agree there also may be more to it than you are aware of re PND.

Overreactionoftheweek Tue 07-Jan-14 09:29:14

My mil came over every weekday for three months when I had ds - and I will forever be so so grateful to her. I did have pnd and was utterly terrified at being alone with my baby sad if I have a second, I'll be asking her really nicely to help out again!

But...I did struggle a bit when she cut back her visits because I hadn't had to cope alone before. So I do think your sil needs to try the odd day on her own, just to get some confidence. It really helps once you know you can trust your instincts and you do know your baby.

IndigoTea Tue 07-Jan-14 09:07:12

YABVU. It really is none of your business 1st of all.

2nd of all, not all babies are the same and neither are all births. You may have been ok with your baby, but maybe if you had been through what she is going through, you may have been just like that. I know many many women that spend the 1st month after birth resting at their parents place. And why not? They surely need it and is good for their mental health too.

You come across way to judgey and a bit jealous tbh.

working9while5 Sun 05-Jan-14 13:42:59

You're just jealous. Her baby is tiny. She doesn't need to have PND to not want to head out NYE with a 2-3 week old. In many societies and cultures new mothers are supported like this and they're much less likely to get PND actually.

Here's a radical thought. Maybe she just thought Fuck it, can't be arsed with Nye this year, just want to head to bed. NYE is so overhyped.

TeaJunky Sun 05-Jan-14 13:27:30

You sound like a jealous bully.

You made 2 threads on thissad

FloozeyLoozey Sun 05-Jan-14 13:04:45

I coped with DS more or less completely alone (single mother since birth) as a newborn. I get people telling me all the time how they couldn't cope, how strong I must've been, how hard it must've been etc. Do you know what? I'd have given up all the accolades about my strength/coping abilities to have what your SIL has. There's no glory in having no support network and no shame in having an extremely strong one. Stop judging OP.

bordellosboheme Sun 05-Jan-14 12:57:40

*judgey
*too

bordellosboheme Sun 05-Jan-14 12:53:56

This title of the post sounds incredibly judges, so I'm not reading any further. I hate the phrase 'man up' to, especially when it is directed at a woman. It makes no sense. Grrrangry

I don't think this is your business to judge, and if you want to make it your business maybe being kind to her and lending her a friendly ear might be better!

Sounds like she is just getting used to being a new parent, i'm sure most women need a little help in the early days, after all she has only just had her baby. Middle of December wasn't that long ago really and this is her 1st. I think it's lovely her parents are helping her, some people don't have that and most are expected to get on with it sadlysad
Maybe that is why we have so many cases of pnd now, whereas years ago your mum would have helped you for a few weeks whilst you got to grips with firstime parenthood. She obviously needs her parents, don't begrudge her that.

NurseRoscoe Sun 05-Jan-14 12:44:52

I think the first step would be to determine whether she does have PND, could you discuss it with her? Ask her to visit her GP or mention it to her health visitor? If she does have it then this sort of behaviour is understandable and should lessen with a bit of support from professionals. Speak to parents again. Tell them you are genuinely concerned about this and masking it by doing everything for her will only make it worse for her in the long run and potentially destroy her bond with her son.

If she doesn't have PND, she probably still needs support but not necessarily as much. Her partner works long hours (mine worked nights so wasn't as bad) but she will need to take that step sooner or later going home and doing things for herself. Could you and your DD visit her in the daytime for a few hours so she isn't alone and show her a few things? I think the reassurance of having someone around may help greatly.

CraftyBuddhist Sun 05-Jan-14 12:43:41

This is such a sad thread.

Op has become defensive at observations about the structure of her posts. Op sit and reflect on how you are feeling at this moment. You're probably feeling wounded, sad, misunderstood, in need of assistance (to proof read).

Now, if you will, extend some of the humanity, support and kindness you may wish you had received in this thread and apply it to your sil. You see, op, you have been very unkind in your thoughts about sil. You are also, by necessity, entirely ignorant of her individual circumstances.

Her sil is being helped by her mother in the most wonderful traditional and beneficial way. Her baby is two weeks old. I for one would hope she continued to receive mothering (so she can mother her baby and learn the ropes all while getting bf established) for at least another couple of months. That is how other cultures manage it. They respect womanhood and the precious time that is the fourth trimester. What you have done by suggesting to us that she should man up is deny the essence of her womanhood at a time when that quality needs nurturing the most.

Op I will frame this as kindly as I can. You have been mean. You have no idea of any extra needs she may have. Some women experience domestic violence upon the arrival of a baby. Some struggle with past childhood abuse which become very difficult to cope with when a life changing event such as becoming a mother occurs. Try exercising some compassion. You might be in need yourself one day.

Varya Sun 05-Jan-14 12:37:08

I had twins, did not live anywhere near friends or family. No option but to 'woman up'.

helibee Sun 05-Jan-14 11:57:34

Brettgirl that is a really ridiculous and irresponsible thing to say. When my sister in law had PND she tried to kill herself twice. A few hours is a huge deal to some people!!

brettgirl2 Sun 05-Jan-14 10:06:55

I think its utterly ridiculous she can't be left on her own with baby for an hour or two. Even if she has pnd.

Gileswithachainsaw Sun 05-Jan-14 09:48:03

bella i actually now have a genuine question.

Are you concerned? I mean do you think that all this "accommodating and help" is in someway delaying her into stepping up and your worried that all it's doing is kind if masking the problem that she's genuinely struggling mentally ? If that's the case it's very early to tell yet but if that's the case they might not actually be "helping her"

Do you know her particularly well? Has anything happened in her life that's left her feeling so doubtful of her abilities? Did she have her confidence shattered by a nasty ex or something?

Or are you just a bit miffed that you didn't eat that kind if support? I think that would be a normal feeling and it doesn't make you a bad person but might be clouding your judgement a little thanks I hope that doesn't read in a harsh way it's not meant like that. I think it's normal in a way to be envious of people who have amazing supportive partners or families when you don't.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now