to think they need to man up ur not the first or last person to have a baby

(38 Posts)
bella411 Sun 05-Jan-14 09:26:10

Sil just had her first baby middle of dec... We had our first baby April this year.

Since sil has had newborn she moved back in with her parents (at 30yo) n still with partner who mostly stays at his/their house. But more annoyingly she is expecting us to all work round her! For example nye we had all arranged to go to my sisters n myself, do n dd were stopping at sisters with my m&d. But sil decided few days before it was too cold to take her ds out but wanted us to go to her parents for nye but then get a taxi after midnight to go to my sisters. I refused as dd was to stick to her routine of bath, bottle bed albeit a bit later than normal. But no way was I taking travel cot to her mums to then wake dd up, wrap her up n put in taxi home to then try n get her asleep again. So sil n her parents didn't come nye.

Dp parents said they would come visit us on new years day, but then a few hours later cancelled sayin they couldn't leave sil on her own (even for an hour or 2) as her partner was off to watch football.

Sil has only had 1 nights at her own home as then got hysterical n made her parents come pick her up.

I'm not sayin lookin after a new born isn't overwhelming but I too bf dd (n still looked after dd after emcs ) but as my Dp said she has got to get into her own routine at home with her Dp n her ds needs to get use to his own home. Sil hasn't had a day on her own, so has got to learnt to do simple tasks with a baby. She lives an hour away from her folks (when she eventually goes home) but her dp works ft n will be out of the house 8 til 6 so she's really got to use to being on her own n her own routine.

Does she need a case of man up or am I being harsh. As when we said to parents about why she can't be left alone they just dismiss it.

bella411 Sun 05-Jan-14 09:27:18

Realise posted in wrong section sorry!

Gileswithachainsaw Sun 05-Jan-14 09:29:48

A bit of both really.

I mean she does need to learn to do it on her own.people can't alter their lives forever to accommodate someone who won't take their own baby out.

But if also have some sympathy I guess that she's finding it tougher and needs all this to allow her to cope. I have a suck it up and get on with it mentality as you do but not everyone does.

colditz Sun 05-Jan-14 09:30:00

I don't really think it's any of your business.

KingRollo Sun 05-Jan-14 09:30:02

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KingRollo Sun 05-Jan-14 09:30:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Suddengeekgirl Sun 05-Jan-14 09:32:46

She might be struggling with anxiety or PND. I'd cut her some slack and talk to her and the rest of the family.

Unless you're genuinely concerned for her well being then I'd let it go.

bella411 Sun 05-Jan-14 09:33:05

That was my other thought is she having pnd. N yes we were very much trial n error with baby but we were never precious over baby. N have tried n offer tips to parents.

Here's your medal for being super mum biscuit some people find having a newborn incredibly hard. I was overwhelmed and dazed and as a friend of mine observed not so long ago "quite Postnatal" for a heck of a long time after my ds was born. Does your sil have pnd? Could she? A bit of support wouldn't go amiss op.

matana Sun 05-Jan-14 09:37:09

YABU. Give her a break she's got a newborn and needs help, support and understanding to enable her to get the hang of it. You have no idea if she has pnd or baby blues as her body and mind try to heal. It's hugely unfair to judge other mums on your own abilities.

KingRollo Sun 05-Jan-14 09:38:58

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SolomanDaisy Sun 05-Jan-14 09:41:42

Lots of people find having a new born overwhelming. Obviously you're so super cool that you're not one of them, but that's irrelevant. The baby won't be a newborn forever, she'll get used to being a mother eventually. It's lovely that she has a supportive family to help while she gets there.

LegoCaltrops Sun 05-Jan-14 09:43:47
Gileswithachainsaw Sun 05-Jan-14 09:48:03

bella i actually now have a genuine question.

Are you concerned? I mean do you think that all this "accommodating and help" is in someway delaying her into stepping up and your worried that all it's doing is kind if masking the problem that she's genuinely struggling mentally ? If that's the case it's very early to tell yet but if that's the case they might not actually be "helping her"

Do you know her particularly well? Has anything happened in her life that's left her feeling so doubtful of her abilities? Did she have her confidence shattered by a nasty ex or something?

Or are you just a bit miffed that you didn't eat that kind if support? I think that would be a normal feeling and it doesn't make you a bad person but might be clouding your judgement a little thanks I hope that doesn't read in a harsh way it's not meant like that. I think it's normal in a way to be envious of people who have amazing supportive partners or families when you don't.

brettgirl2 Sun 05-Jan-14 10:06:55

I think its utterly ridiculous she can't be left on her own with baby for an hour or two. Even if she has pnd.

helibee Sun 05-Jan-14 11:57:34

Brettgirl that is a really ridiculous and irresponsible thing to say. When my sister in law had PND she tried to kill herself twice. A few hours is a huge deal to some people!!

Varya Sun 05-Jan-14 12:37:08

I had twins, did not live anywhere near friends or family. No option but to 'woman up'.

CraftyBuddhist Sun 05-Jan-14 12:43:41

This is such a sad thread.

Op has become defensive at observations about the structure of her posts. Op sit and reflect on how you are feeling at this moment. You're probably feeling wounded, sad, misunderstood, in need of assistance (to proof read).

Now, if you will, extend some of the humanity, support and kindness you may wish you had received in this thread and apply it to your sil. You see, op, you have been very unkind in your thoughts about sil. You are also, by necessity, entirely ignorant of her individual circumstances.

Her sil is being helped by her mother in the most wonderful traditional and beneficial way. Her baby is two weeks old. I for one would hope she continued to receive mothering (so she can mother her baby and learn the ropes all while getting bf established) for at least another couple of months. That is how other cultures manage it. They respect womanhood and the precious time that is the fourth trimester. What you have done by suggesting to us that she should man up is deny the essence of her womanhood at a time when that quality needs nurturing the most.

Op I will frame this as kindly as I can. You have been mean. You have no idea of any extra needs she may have. Some women experience domestic violence upon the arrival of a baby. Some struggle with past childhood abuse which become very difficult to cope with when a life changing event such as becoming a mother occurs. Try exercising some compassion. You might be in need yourself one day.

NurseRoscoe Sun 05-Jan-14 12:44:52

I think the first step would be to determine whether she does have PND, could you discuss it with her? Ask her to visit her GP or mention it to her health visitor? If she does have it then this sort of behaviour is understandable and should lessen with a bit of support from professionals. Speak to parents again. Tell them you are genuinely concerned about this and masking it by doing everything for her will only make it worse for her in the long run and potentially destroy her bond with her son.

If she doesn't have PND, she probably still needs support but not necessarily as much. Her partner works long hours (mine worked nights so wasn't as bad) but she will need to take that step sooner or later going home and doing things for herself. Could you and your DD visit her in the daytime for a few hours so she isn't alone and show her a few things? I think the reassurance of having someone around may help greatly.

I don't think this is your business to judge, and if you want to make it your business maybe being kind to her and lending her a friendly ear might be better!

Sounds like she is just getting used to being a new parent, i'm sure most women need a little help in the early days, after all she has only just had her baby. Middle of December wasn't that long ago really and this is her 1st. I think it's lovely her parents are helping her, some people don't have that and most are expected to get on with it sadlysad
Maybe that is why we have so many cases of pnd now, whereas years ago your mum would have helped you for a few weeks whilst you got to grips with firstime parenthood. She obviously needs her parents, don't begrudge her that.

bordellosboheme Sun 05-Jan-14 12:53:56

This title of the post sounds incredibly judges, so I'm not reading any further. I hate the phrase 'man up' to, especially when it is directed at a woman. It makes no sense. Grrrangry

bordellosboheme Sun 05-Jan-14 12:57:40

*judgey
*too

FloozeyLoozey Sun 05-Jan-14 13:04:45

I coped with DS more or less completely alone (single mother since birth) as a newborn. I get people telling me all the time how they couldn't cope, how strong I must've been, how hard it must've been etc. Do you know what? I'd have given up all the accolades about my strength/coping abilities to have what your SIL has. There's no glory in having no support network and no shame in having an extremely strong one. Stop judging OP.

You made 2 threads on thissad

TeaJunky Sun 05-Jan-14 13:27:30

You sound like a jealous bully.

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