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Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Behaviour/development

Is it normal for a 4 year old to have such an attitude ?

39 replies

Beauregard · 20/07/2006 21:02

Or is it down to me being a crappy mom?
dd1 4yrs.10months
The attitude of vicky pollard !!!
For example she will suddenly out of nowhere start goading dp or me by repeating everything we say and whenever we threaten her with taking a toy away or her not going somewhere etc she just replies"yeh,yeh whatever i dont want (insert item)anyway "!which just sounds like bravado but she really doesn't care .It is very difficult for me to put into words quite how she behaves ,it goes beyond normal childlike behaviour ,she is down right nasty a lot of the time.
I always end up telling her that she is a horrible little girlwhich of course i instantly regret but if i cant manage her attitude now then what will i do when she really is a teenager?

OP posts:

Report

QueenEagle · 20/07/2006 21:10

pfnm - she needs to learn now that such behaviour is unacceptable. And that you will not tolerate it. Even if she says she doesn't want so-and-so toy and doesn't care if you take it away, you still need to carry through taking it away even if you are thiniing that doing it is pointless.

The hardest bit is biting your tongue when you feel so cross and she has an answer for everything. State that you dislike her behaviour, not that you dislike her or think she is nasty - hard not to though isn't it? You need to state very calmly that you do not like her speaking that way and you will not speak to her until she starts to speak properly and nicely. Then ignore her and go and do something else.

I have often done this with ds1 (now 12 but Kevin the Teenager trainee at age 4) and to start with it makes him worse. After 2 or 3 times though he started to get the message and whilst I was ignoring him, I was in control. Lots of people would not agree with this, but it's what worked with me.

Beauregard · 20/07/2006 21:12

We always do take the item away but she just laughes at us !

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QueenEagle · 20/07/2006 21:16

How long do you keep it away for?

The other thing perhaps would be to say if she carries on speaking like that then you will dish a punishment. What would she really, really hate you to do? Time out? No tv? No sweets? No comic? No friend to play over?

Beauregard · 20/07/2006 21:24

She either loses a treat such as day out or going to a party or sweets etc or we take a toy off her which we make her earn back with good behaviour over a few days.
I cant think of anything that would really bother her if she did not have it.She has missed out on friends parties and just laughes at us when we remind her .

OP posts:

QueenEagle · 20/07/2006 21:27

hmmm, she's a tough little cookie isn't she?

Ok, how about a bit of stick and carrot? Behave well for, say, the next hour and you get, erm a sticker? I read something or watched a programme somehwere about a child whose behaviour was a real pita for the parents and it was suggested breaking down the day into hour segments on a star chart. If the child was good, they got a star/sticker. More manageable and easier to earn rewards, therefore encouraging positive behaviour.

Might that work with your dd?

donnie · 20/07/2006 21:30

my dd1 is like this and pretty much the same age, give or take a couple of months. I find the only thing that works is to just pick her up and swiftly carry her upstairs to her room and shut the door and totally ignore her - don't even say anything as you do it.She really hates being excluded.

mind you it is not possible to do that when not at home so i really sympathise!

Beauregard · 20/07/2006 21:33

Hmmmhhhh have used a sticker and reward system for her sleeping when it was really bad and find we are still rewarding herfor sleeping all night now
It probably might work but i dont want to feel like we have to bribe her all the time to behave!
I do wonder where my sweet little girl has gone
Is it a bad thing to say that you dont like your own child at times?

OP posts:

Beauregard · 20/07/2006 21:37

I wish i could just carry her up to her room but she isn't light and my back is so dodgy that i cant pick her up.
Forgot to say that when we are out if we try to calm her down or stop her behaviour by holding her arm or hand she screams as loud as possible "help me you are really hurting me owwwwwwwwwww oh my poor arm "

People stare as if we are hurting her!

OP posts:

QueenEagle · 20/07/2006 21:44

Beauregard · 20/07/2006 21:45

It had better be the size of an encyclopedia then

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tenalady · 20/07/2006 21:51

Pelvicfloornomore, Ive got a ds just like this. I have tried everything, yes, read the toddler taming book. Nothing bothers him. Wonder what Tanya Byron would do? mmmmmm.

I end up taking everything away, which leaves me with big holes in his social diary and just more aggro to deal with, does this sound familiar? This week its been, no trampolining, swimming cancelled with dad, Im left with horseriding to dally with.

Nightmare cos I want him to learn swimming and he never will if I keep taking it away.

Toys he doesnt give a hoot about, I remove them and he forgets about them anyway.

He says sorry all the time after a spell in the naughty room (conservatory) and within seconds he is into something else!

Any suggestions out there for PF and me or should we just have them put down

QueenEagle · 20/07/2006 21:59

You both have my sympathies - ds1 was just like this too. There is hope though, he is 12 now and much of the time is really lovely with only the odd spell of really insolent behaviour.

I was wondering though how different she would be if you gave her some extra attention, as in spend time doing colouring or puzzles with her or building a lego farm or something? She could be attention seeking and actually wanting you to spend more time with her?

You're gonna blow me outta the water now and say you do that too, aren't you?

tenalady · 20/07/2006 22:02

Yep

QueenEagle · 20/07/2006 22:03

aaaaaaaaarrrrggggghhhhhhhhhhhh

tenalady · 20/07/2006 22:03

Its that frustration you get when the child has one over on you and you have no way to turn. To add insult to injury neither have they had punishment for their misdemeanor! eh Pelvic

Beauregard · 20/07/2006 22:20

I wonder how many times a day i use the same phrases of despair?

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stoppinattwo · 20/07/2006 22:32

PFNM you neat me to it tonight DD is also 4 and ealier this evening during a dispute with her older brother she said "Oh you Bastard"

I was horrified, my mother was there, the neighbour heard (think half the street heard)

Really dont know what to do about her, She got 5 mins in her room and was made to apologise to DS, and Grandma. After which i quietly explained if i ever heard her use that word or any other naughty word she would lose her friday night treat. To which she replied so what, i dont care

stoppinattwo · 20/07/2006 22:33

soz sould be beat me to it

GeorginaA · 20/07/2006 22:37

In answer to the OP: YES!

It's not called the f-ing fours for nothing

TBH, the only thing I found helped to ride it out was just to completely UTTERLY ignore the rudeness, and then just praise like mad when they're being pleasant and cooperative.

Ds1 is now 5, and he still has his moments, but doesn't seem as full on and constant as it was during the 4s. It gets better. Hang on in there.

Andthistooshallpass. It'sjustaphase.
Andthistooshallpass. It'sjustaphase.
Andthistooshallpass. It'sjustaphase.
Andthistooshallpass. It'sjustaphase.
Andthistooshallpass. It'sjustaphase.

GeorginaA · 20/07/2006 22:40

Oh another phrase I have found useful, in a most neutral non-annoyed voice possible is:

"I don't like being spoken to like that, what I would like to hear is... [insert preferred sentence here]"

For example, ds1 being a whiny little wotsit tonight about dinner choice and me biting my tongue, managed to bite out semi-calmly: "I spent a long time preparing this tonight. I appreciate you don't like vegetable lasagne, but I really don't appreciate the whining or rudeness. What I would like to hear is "Thanks for dinner, mum. I've had enough. Can I get down now?""

Not 100% sure it's doing any good, but I feel better than if I lose my rag...

controlfreaky2 · 20/07/2006 22:41

georginaA you are sooo right.

stoppinattwo · 20/07/2006 22:44

All i can say is roll on September DD starts school and i think it will do her the world of good, she's a bit Big fish little pond at the moment, getting a bit too cocky, needs knocking down a peg or three.

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GeorginaA · 20/07/2006 22:45

Oh, has anyone recommended "How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk" yet? Bloody good book, and EXTREMELY useful from this age on, imo.

Beauregard · 20/07/2006 22:45

My dd would use that line on me!
"No mom what i would like to hear is....."
GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
I must repeat that to myself
Its just a phase ,it's just a F*** phase!

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Beauregard · 20/07/2006 22:46

stoppingattwo -took the words out of my mouth

OP posts:

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