Really dreading him starting nursery :(

[Emilycreaven999]

My son will start nursery come September next year and will be a week away from turning 4
He's never been left with anyone other than my husband as we've never felt the need to
He has a younger brother and we are out every day without fail so he is very well socialised
He is the most confident outgoing little boy and is great amongst other children but if he loses sight of me or another adult that he doesnt know talks to him whilst out he will run back to me or not engage in conversion with them.
Really worried about how he will settle

[MissWinter01]

Hi Emily,

Is it for school nursery? Could you maybe request some settling in days for your Son? Or maybe get him into a wee playgroup a couple of morning or afternoons a week so he can gradually adjust to being away from you?

[Emilycreaven999]

Hi
Yes school nursery so 3 hours 5 days a week
I'm wary of starting him at pre school jan - July only to take him out and start him somewhere else come September
I was worried this would be too unsettling for him

[MissWinter01]

I can understand that. Maybe speak to one of the employees at a playgroup see if a lot of children from that age group will be moving to the school nursery around the same time. If they are this could ease the transition for him if he is moving up with others?

It's not quite the same but at 2yo my DD moved from the baby nursery to the toddler nursery (different building) but truthfully because she was going at the same time as her other little friends it did not phase her. In fact it's sometimes a struggle to bring her away in the evening because she is having so much fun.

[SpeedData]

September is still a long way away. He has plenty of time to develop more confidence in playing independently. Will he know any of the other children? I'd be trying to fix up some play dates to encourage friendships ahead of starting. I bet he'll be fine, you know. I'm sure the nursery staff will be well used to settling children gently.

[Emilycreaven999]

Thanks for the replies
No children from a Playgroup would be going into the nursery together, the school is completely independent so there's no hope of setting up playdates either :(
He's such a confident boy, but only when I'm there :(

[Theas18]

Trouble is you only know how he is when you are just out of sight rather than being left in a setting he's familiar with, with familiar adults and kids ( as he would be when he's does some settling in sessions at preschool/nursery),

Firstly it's a long time till Sept and he'll mature loads in that time. Starting him at preschool will surely help him grow in confidence- they'll be very used to settling children and have time and people to help.

Secondly- and I know all children are different etc etc but actually if he's going to school nursery at 3yrs 11 months he'll be one of the oldest and perhaps actually might need that little gentle boost to develop confidence etc if he hasn't done it by then? Sorry if that sounds harsh, but children just 4 weeks older are starting reception and into their proper school career (and, if my 4yr 1month old was anything to go by , actually loving it).

Do you think maybe you are projecting some of your anxieties onto him op?

[TheGreatHunt]

Honestly - he will be fine. Of course he will.

It will be good for him to develop confidence without you there, especially before school.

He will take his cue from you - if you act confident about it then that will reassure him.

It is hard to imagine him adjusting but he will. Have a chat with nursery about the settling in period. Don't talk too much to your ds and make it a big deal either.

I think as a mum it's hard to imagine our children not needing us in the same way, but it's part of growing up. Once he's settled, you'll feel so proud to see him getting on with his friends etc.

[MortifiedAnyFuckerAdams]

Well, you say youv never left him.with anyone before now as theres been no need. Now you have a need.

How.is he when he is with only dh? does he act the same way with him? Any GPs aroubd who you could leave him with for an hour at a time to be used to being withput you

[DingDongUriGelleryOnHigh]

You don't have to send him to nursery you know.

[Emilycreaven999]

Thanks again for your replies
I was always very pleased he would be one of the eldest however recently I've thought maybe he would have strutted better at 3! But very keen not to start him somewhere else just for a few months before a move to the school nursery.
Seems far too unsettling for me as if he does settle and enjoy it, I'm then taking him out and expecting him to adjust all over again which I don't think is fair.
Him and his brother aren't remotely bothered if I'm not here when they are with their dad and both sets of grandparents have taken them out on little trips here and there for the day and they have been fine.
But at places like playgroups / soft play facilities he's very confident makes friends well but if loses sight of me panics and gets very upset.
I hope my insecurities aren't passing onto him, I'm not a nervous parent and am always very upbeat when we talk about him starting next year, but although he is excited about going he constantly asks if I can stay with him and when I say no it's just for little boys and girls he gets very upset :(

[Emilycreaven999]

Dingdong,
My only thought with this is I'm then expecting him at almost 5 to adjust to full days, not 3 hours without me!

[MerryMarigold]

I think you are jumping the gun massively. He is still very small. Please don't stay talking about it with him now, it's 9 months away. You have a lot less time than that to prepare a child for a sibling. Start sometime in July. There will be settling in days, my kids had a week where I was with them in nursery and then maybe another week of tears, but will be fine. As preparation, I would start with perhaps leaving him at a friend's house (even if this child is not going to same nursery), a house you visit fairly often and just got short whiles to start with. He is going to be ok

[TheGreatHunt]

I agree - why are you talking about it now to him? You'll r inadvertently passing on your anxiety.

My ds has heard talk of school and is getting nervous already - he doesn't start until next year and goes to preschool (which he loves btw). So I'm making an effort not to mention it at all unless he asks. I did tell him that I went to school and what I did which has calmed him a bit.

[MerryMarigold]

And yes, I would definitely recommend nursery as a way to adjust to school. Not just the separation, but listening to other adults, small periods of required listening on the carpet, a bit of structure etc. I think it makes settling into school a whole lot easier and is therefore a kindness to them, especially if the nursery is on the same site as the school.

[Emilycreaven999]

Thankyou merrymarigold.
You are right, I'm preparing him for something quite far away which isn't helping
I guess I'm worried about him settling and doubting whether I've gone about things in the right way! Being at home with him and not using any form of childcare until next year

[Emilycreaven999]

The nursery is on the same site as the infant school so he will be there from 3 ( well nearly 4 ) until 7 and then move to the junior section around the corner

[Emilycreaven999]

Thegreaghunt,
I read lots of articles saying kids like to know what's coming and to prepare as much as possible but I think you're right and I'm making him nervous about something that by next July he might be absolutely ready for

[MerryMarigold]

That's great, I think it really helps. My kids started reception this year with no problems. They knew half their classes and the teachers (nursery and reception play together for 2 terms). I would avoid the pre school, but start doing small things to encourage independence. And definitely stop talking about out, even if he can hear you. It's good you Ste thinking about it, but it doesn't need to be a big deal. Think of it also as an opportunity to spend done 1 to 1 time with your youngest.

[Emilycreaven999]

Very true as brother is 18 months so have never had time with him on my own apart from the odd hour here and there if hubby has taken eldest to the park / shops and he was napping.
Just wish they didn't have to grow up I guess!

[TheGreatHunt]

Yes they like to know but not months in advance that's a long time for a 3 year old!

[MerryMarigold]

I know 9 months feels like 10 years to us when you're 3.

[DingDongUriGelleryOnHigh]

Yes but then he'll be Five, Emily.

5 year olds (generally) are capable of taking on the world! I'll be sending my 3rd ds in to school proper, like I did with his older brothers, when he's ready to do a 9-3. Up til then we're making the most of him having 1:1 attention and learning at home.

[Emilycreaven999]

Dingdong,
Did you not worry about many of the reception children having already been to the school nursery and establishing friendships?
Or that 6 hours a day is a lot for a child having very rarely even away from their mum?
I'm not asking these in any way saying you're wrong, these were my only concerns with not sending him until almost 5 as I thoroughly enjoy having him at home and we lead a very active life with different activities most days but I really worried about the shock factor having never been away from me and that worried me

[Bumpsadaisie]

Can you not start him gradually? start two mornings a week and then develop it?

[Bumpsadaisie]

PS at the moment he is not much over three. By the time he starts he will be nearly 4. They grow up a LOT between 3 and 4.