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Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Behaviour/development

Alcoholic friend, Should I stay or should I go?

12 replies

Adorabelle · 10/07/2006 22:59

Close friend was/is an alcoholic. Stayed dry
through half her pregnacy , her dd is now
14 mnths & she is drinking heavily again. Has been since her dd was 8 mnths.

Have been there for her 100%, any hour of any
day but she has now got to the point where
things are looking really bad. Social Services involved, shes been arrested 5 times now.

Want to be there for her but am finding it hard

Any suggestions? Already done the AA route & 1 on 1 therapy.

Thanks x

OP posts:

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olivia35 · 10/07/2006 23:11

Walk away.

I know it seems cruel, but if you are 'there for her' you are enabling her. She isn't capable of listening to anything you have to say if she's getting messed up to the point of regular arrests.

YOU see it as being a supportive friend. SHE (or the hindbrain that deals with addiction) sees the fact that you haven't washed your hands of her as proof that everything will be OK, she still has friends, situation normal, she's just having a few more than she should because she's stressed atm...

(My first dh died due to his alcoholism)

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Adorabelle · 10/07/2006 23:23

Thank you Olivia. My dad also died due to his
alcoholism aged 36.

Just need some kind of reasurrance that walking
away isn't going to cause some kind of catastrophy to happen.

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Toby72 · 11/07/2006 00:05

Adorabelle
Sorry but I would try not to have anything to do with her...........although this is hard when you have established a friendship..............the best thing I can advise is to try and distance yourself and if she asks why then explain to her about how you feel........not sure how this will take with her if she has a drink problem........but this world is harsh and you need to think of yourself.........x

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Adorabelle · 11/07/2006 09:54

Thank you Toby72, think i've already realised
that I need to distance myself from her but actually cutting off totally seems so cruel. Not what a true friend would do I keep saying to myself.

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zippitippitoes · 11/07/2006 09:57

I wouldn't cut her off..

but i would maybe make it I see you for an hour once a week rather than I'm permanently on call to pick up the pieces.

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Callisto · 11/07/2006 12:10

Can you walk away from her dd though? If it was just her I would say distance yourself, but her daughter is so vulnerable. It is a hideous situation for you, Adorabelle.

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Adorabelle · 11/07/2006 20:56

Social Services are already involved with her
because her dd was put on the at risk register
b4 she was even born If SS weren't already aware of the situation think I would probably
have called them myself

She has a dh but he just doesn't seem to be getting how bad it has really got.

OP posts:

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Adorabelle · 11/07/2006 22:10

bump

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glassofwine · 11/07/2006 22:24

By walking away you ARE being a good friend you are sending her the loudest message you can that she needs help so bad that even her closest friends are walking away. You could be brave and tell her that you're backing off until she sorts herself out and when that happens you'd be happy to be in her life again. Hopefully she'll sort herself out and come back to you, with thanks that you shocked into change.

Best of luck

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/07/2006 07:21

She has not reached her rock bottom yet and even if she does reach this point there are no guarantees she wil stop drinking.

She has to want to stop drinking for her own self and seriously look into why she started to drink to excess in the first place (there is always a reason/s as to why).

An alcoholics primary relationship is with drink; absolutely everything and everyone else comes a very distant second. Not at all surprised to read therefore that you yourself are finding it hard.
They are selfish by nature.

Even being arrested five times hasn't called a halt to her drinking has it?.

You yourself have seen at first hand what alcoholism can do to a person; you are not responsible for her actions and therefore cannot be held to account.

You will do both your good self and her a huge favour by not continuing to enable her. She sees you as her crutch. It is not helping her or you to continue this friendship. She is not capable of listening to you at present.

Would also suggest you talk with Al-anon as they may be able to advise you further.

You have to be cruel to be kind.

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Pruni · 12/07/2006 07:27

Message withdrawn

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Adorabelle · 12/07/2006 18:40

Many thanks for your post Attila, I now realise
that if I do walk away from her I won't be doing
so cos i'm a crap friend.

My Dad dying at 36 has haunted me for more than 10 years now, I was 19 when he died.

I cannot cope emotionally having my life to deal
with & also carrying all her troubles too.

Thanks to you all for you kind words x