7 month baby crying- neighbour complaint

(55 Posts)
stressed8132 Mon 11-Nov-13 13:07:10

My 7 month little boy is causing my neigbour to complain. She has been complaining for months. He does cry a lot but not as much as she is making out. He has colic and reflux. At the moment he is also teething. She says he is crying for hours and hours. I told her if this was the case could she please record it so that she has proof. He is getting really soft because I have to pick him up as soon as he crys because she comes round complaining, the problem is he wants picking up all the time now. Im not unreasonable, I understand a baby crying can be distressing and i do try to keep it to a minimum. Im starting to feel stressed out- she told me she had 3 children and they never cried like mine- and that he isnt normal. That I should take him to a doctor. The problem is she likes a drink and its always when she is hungover. Her daughter in law is a teacher at my daughters school and I have been told they have been discussing me and the teacher has given the neigbour information about my daughters progress at school. Can anyone offer any advice. Im at my wits end.

Gileswithachainsaw Mon 11-Nov-13 13:39:15

No I never picked up either dd straight away either. Especially dd2. I'm not one to take babies into the toilet they got put in a cot.

Dd1 didn't stop needing help doing up her top button or coat just cos her sister was crying.

You just can't possibly not put them down

MrTumblesKnickers Mon 11-Nov-13 13:40:19

You poor thing, as if your baby crying isn't stressful enough on its own.

I agree with everyone else. Go and crack some skulls together at the school. How dare the teacher pass on info about your daughter?! That is so out of order.

I know it's easy to say but I would try and ignore the complaints. Tell her to call SS if she wants. And tell her you're logging all of her knocks/complaints under police advice as she is harrassing you.

moldingsunbeams Mon 11-Nov-13 13:42:05

You need to complain to the head if the teacher is discussing anything personal at all with a person not related to or not involved in the education of your child.

moldingsunbeams Mon 11-Nov-13 13:43:57

I have complained about this by the way, I withdrew my dd from a CM as her little boy was continually attacking mine when they were in reception.
She went to school and discussed my reason for leaving the CM with the teacher who gave out personal information about my child and events at the school including her sen.

The teacher got in a lot of trouble for it.

stressed8132 Mon 11-Nov-13 13:47:11

A lot of the time picking him up doesnt help and he still cries- I have a swing and i used to swaddle when he was smaller. He gets constipated with the colic sometimes and there is no comforting him until he parts with it. The only thing I have found that helps is a bath, but this takes time to run,get temp right and to get fresh towels etc. The crying Im talking about is more the attention crying( he has older siblings and he doesnt like to be alone or entertain himself. I would never leave him to cry in pain.

DoubleLifeIsALifeOfSorts Mon 11-Nov-13 13:49:35

Log everything.
Deal with the school
Tell your hv.

And don't stress...

You really have to deal with the school, it's utterly out of order and it's something concrete you can do now to stop her harassment - I suspect she's enjoying the power over you as well as hating the crying. Take the power back...

By telling your hv what's going on, you get to register your side of this and get professional advice, which will help if she decides to threaten you with ss.

Btw I don't think there is anything wrong with picking a baby up every time he cries, but as long as you are not leaving him in distress, then it's up to you. I think wantkng attention is an entirely reasonable need but I don't think you are depriving him of attention? But it's also good to teach him how to wait a few seconds as well, not very long as babies can't do that, but learn that sometimes mummy is doing something else first. I can imagine you are feeling very hemmed in, and it's not fair.

DoubleLifeIsALifeOfSorts Mon 11-Nov-13 13:50:38

Cross post!

Please reply to us about complaining to the school - you're not mentioning this?

mummybare Mon 11-Nov-13 13:54:30

Hmm, well obviously her behaviour is unacceptable, but I just wanted to reassure you that picking him up will not make him cry more.

It could well be that being held upright is more comfortable for him if he is refluxy so it may well seem as if nothing is wrong because he stops as soon as he is picked up. But he isn't manipulating you or anything - they are just not capable of that at 7mo!

I also think the advice to use cc with a baby who has reflux is questionable - the proponents of cc and cio I've read advise to ensure there are no medical issues at play before trying their methods.

It may not always be practical to go to him straight away, and sometimes you need to just take a breath for the sake of your own mental health, but it doesn't do any harm to pick him up every time he cries. It certainly won't 'make him soft'.

Of course, having said all that, babies do cry and refluxy, colicky ones cry A LOT, so your neighbour era;ply does need to mind her own beeswax.

mummybare Mon 11-Nov-13 13:55:06

*really. Don't know what era;ply is….

stressed8132 Mon 11-Nov-13 13:56:51

My daughter struggled with Maths. She is an august baby. She worked really hard and got herself up on the top table from the bottom one. At one point she had an IEP, but by the end of year sats she actually got above average in her SATs. My neighbour knows she had an IEP. She was implying that Im a bad mother, and the fact my DD had an IEP backed this up. My DD is well behaved and polite and gives 100 percent in all she does. She does Dancing 3 times a week ( her choice) Karate, piano lessons and is always doing any after school clubs that are going. She wins a lot of awards at school and according to reports is a model pupil. Im not sure what the teacher could of said about her but im shocked she knew she had an IEP at the start of last year.

stressed, you don't have to justify what you do or don't do. It doesn't sound like you need any advice on coping with your baby, you're doing really well. I only had to endure four months before the worst of it passed and the wheel were well and truly falling off at that point.

The only problem here is your pissy neighbour and your school. The rest is between you, your baby and the gp.

That's really not on. You need to come down on the school like a tonne of bricks. You might be best taking advice on how to do that effectively from the education boards. Sorry, I know I'm repeating myself but please don't be fobbed off with a bit of lip service.

bleedingheart Mon 11-Nov-13 14:07:41

^ This. The teacher is SO out of order it is unbelievable! An IEP is nothing to be ashamed of but it is confidential.

Your daughter has worked really hard and you are doing all you can for your baby. Your neighbour sounds like a bully.

bonkersLFDT20 Mon 11-Nov-13 14:08:35

You're not making your baby soft by picking him up.

Do you want to do controlled crying?

NorfolkInGood Mon 11-Nov-13 14:09:02

Sorry to hear of this vile woman
OP. I'd keep a log of dates/times she knocks on the door and speak to CAB or 101 for advice.

I'd speak to the head of year or headteacher about remarks made about DD. They may be false the DIL may have just mentioned she teaches your dd and she's spun it to abuse you.

Hope you take care of it OP and stop letting this cow. effect you!

biscuit wine thanks thanks

stressed8132 Mon 11-Nov-13 14:14:34

Littlemslazybones. No I wont be fobbed off. Today has been the straw that broke the camels back. She has gone too far. I feel like she has been questioning the daughter in law/teacher for any information that would make out I am a bad mum. She also knew I had missed parents evening ( With good reason i was in hospital with preeclampsia) The daughter in law/teacher -I dont believe has given the information in malice but I dont want her discussing my children and giving the neighbour ammo to use against me. She has taken it and twisted it to her own agenda.

Best of luck. (Your neighbour sounds more and more unhinged with every post, she'd have broken a mother with less confidence)

stressed8132 Mon 11-Nov-13 14:25:17

Bonkers. Hi, not really looked into CC yet. My eldest son would never let me put him down, I had to take him everywhere- even the toilet. If I walked out of the room as soon as he was mobile he would be hanging off my jeans. This was not too bad as he was my first and I could give him constant attention. No one would ever mind him if I ever went anywhere because he would cry the whole time I was out. He couldnt cope at nursery without me and eventually they said he couldnt attend anymore unless I went with him.Even starting school I had to stay in class with him for months until he settled in. He has seperation anxiety even now at 13. He attends a special school and has since he was 6. He has a long list of difficulties but the doctors all say the fact he doesnt want to be appart from me is because I would give in to his demands straight away.

DoubleLifeIsALifeOfSorts Mon 11-Nov-13 14:42:47

Well a side point but latest thinking is that attachment issues are born of too little attention, and giving attention does not cause children to be clingy/ insecure, but the other way round. Obviously I have no idea about your eldest sons condition or diagnosis, but alarm bells ring for me when you talk about problems caused by giving attention.

UriGeller Mon 11-Nov-13 14:45:23

I do pick my baby up the minute she cries....(have done with all mine) and whatever your doctor says about it leading to separation anxiety is absolutely ridiculous.
All babies and children and therefore adults are different and everyone has different needs. Your eldest son likely just has that personality.

Your baby isn't at fault here, its that woman. You need to do whats right for you and your family Not your neighbour!
She can mind her own business.

bonkersLFDT20 Mon 11-Nov-13 14:53:39

Gosh, that must really hurt to be told that your son doesn't want to be apart from you because you "gave in to his demands".

I obviously don't know your son and suspect there is a lot more to his condition than attention/lack of attention issues, but you simply cannot give a small baby too much attention. Granted, you can smother an older child's independence by not allowing them to do things on their own, but it doesn't sound like you did that with your son, rather that his temperament wouldn't allow it.

stressed8132 Mon 11-Nov-13 14:57:56

Double my eldest son is autistic. My children all get lots of attention,we do things as a family and they get to do things with Mum/Dad alone. I couldnt of given my eldest son anymore attention If i tried. Everyone is different, I have read everyones advice and have taken it on board. Some people are of the thought that babies should be left to cry from time to time. Some are of the thought they should be picked up straight away. I dont feel that I can try the first because of my neighbour. I would love my little one to entertain himself for a little while, im talking 20/30 mins not hours. I only have the baby in the day- we do baby massage- go to mum n baby groups, I read to him,sing to him play games with him. He has a set bedtime routine ( not that it helps) I have other children I havent had this issue with- they would sit and play with their socks ,feet,toys etc. I cant possibly hold him every minute of every day. I feel that you have taken what I have said the wrong way or I havent explained myself very well.

HoleyGhost Mon 11-Nov-13 18:49:08

Make a complaint about the DIL to the school - if you are not satisfied with their response make it a formal one.

Next time the bully next door knocks, explain that it is harassment and you will call the police if she keeps it up. Get advice and reassurance from your health visitor.

minipie Mon 11-Nov-13 20:16:07

stressed I think Double wasn't criticising you but rather questioning the advice you have been given. I think she's saying that you cannot have caused your eldest sons problems by giving too much attention as in fact the research shows lots of attention is good.

if your baby has possible food intolerances and reflux then it's not surprising he wants to be held and can't entertain himself, he is probably in discomfort... If milk intolerance is suspected then I would ask GP for a trial of nutrimagen formula (if he is formula fed) and keep all dairy out of his diet. in the meantime you can't expect him to be like other babies sadly.

oh and your neighbour sounds completely out of order. stand firm, don't allow your care of your baby to be changed by her.

purrtrillpadpadpad Mon 11-Nov-13 20:23:32

Op, coping with a baby that has colic and reflux sounds wretched, I think you're doing a marvellous job. Reflux is bad enough by itself, and the crying from colic is just horrendous. I feel like coming round and standing guard at your front door, I could quite happily bop your neighbour for basically terrorising you in your own home. Please stand up for yourself, you don't deserve this.

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