Comparing development and driving yourself crazy(14 Posts)
I know I shouldn't but I can't help pegging my 3 year old DS against his peers - not because I want him to 'come top' but I just want to know he's doing OK. Anyone else?
A bit of background..
1. I have an 18 month old DC too - so I sometimes feel DC1 missed out from being 18 months (when DC2 born).
2. I have several friends who seem to like to have some kind of development-off when we get together.
3. I believe less is more with toys etc and have always tried to limit accruing stuff and stick to more old fashioned methods (no apps etc). My rational head, says you don't need any of it, look around the world, when we were young etc and it teaches good traits but then when a friend says they have used toys to initiate teaching their DC x or Y (which I wouldn't have thought of), I think maybe I'm being stupid about it.
It's weird as I don't seem to have the same concerns re my daugther - she naturally seems much more confident anyway - maybe because she's the second so I have seen where she's going so to speak.
My son has just turned 3 and is not interested in potty training, is not interested / cannot peddle a trike, is not interested / does not know shapes, is not interested / cannot draw / colour / write anything other than scribble and is not really interested in getting dressed himself. I have to really push him to pull up joggers, pull up a zip, pull velcro on shoes - but he can do it when pushed.
However, he does know colours, can count to 20 and recognise numbers up to 10, talks constantly, loves books and is able to concentrate quite long stories, is very loveable and soft - no anger issues etc.
So, is it just me? Do I have anything to worry about. Please kick me into touch I am driving myself crazy. I feel like this is a disease of modern society that I am falling prey to. I know I was brought up with few toys in most of the week (not at developmental groups etc) and I have turned out fine but I still can't keep stressing!!!
We have just been to an evening at DDs school about learning maths. Counting to 20 is something they expect them all to be able to to do by the end of Year 1 (that is, at the end of the year AFTER Reception!)
They develop a lot between 3 and 4.
He sounds lovely. MY DS1 couldn't pedal a trike at that age. He was potty trained and knew his colours but also had zero interest in colouring/ writing/ drawing etc.
They develop HUGELY in between 3 and 4. By the time my DS1 was just turned 4 and going into reception (August born so youngest in the year group) he knew all his letters, could write his name and count to 30. It happens when it happens and they come on so much at school. Really DON'T WORRY!
I remember trying to encourage my dd to sort colours and being worried she just couldn't do it (i had seen a child the same age doing it). Then one day I had told her to put the lids back on the pens and she matched the colours for every single one. She could do it she had just never wanted to.
If he really wanted to ride a trike but could do it despite lots of effort then maybe you might need to give some help but if hes not interested there isnt much you can do.
They will do things when they feel like it, just concentrate on the things they enjoy for now. Your DS sounds wonderful.
I completely get where you're coming from. I was the first of my friends to have a baby so felt very isolated as it was, the other mums near me are very cliquey and competitive so I was constantly worrying about silly things. I then got shot down in a birth club group I was in for putting a status on facebook about being proud of how many words my son could say. I can kind of see why people thought I was bragging etc but it made me realise how silly it is to feel so worried over what someone else's child can or can't do. As long as they're healthy and happy, at this age they all develop so differently but they'll all catch up eventually
The trike/clothes/drawing is all physical. Maybe your DS isn't especially interested in physical challenges yet, but is more interested in mental stuff? As Bumpsadaisy said, he is advanced with numbers and you said he loves books - maybe that's just where his interest lies?
But competitive parents are awful. There are mums I actively avoid now as my 19m DD isn't talking and only started walking a fortnight ago. Some of them do the sympathetic head-tilt when she babbles, then show me their
precocious brat DC's new tricks.
i think they all seem to do things at different times when they are ready. It was really noticeable with my DS as he was/ is so far ahead for somethings but so far behind in others.
He wasn't potty trained at 3 and i so felt like he was the only child that wasn't. Then at 3.2 we started potty training on a thursday and he was dry in the day by monday and dry day and night within a week. He also won't attempt to write and just scribbles. He can't pedal a trike or bike and has only just got the hang of a scooter and push along car when i've seen kids of 1 whizzing around.
He also wouldn't attempt to dress or even undress himself, it was such a battle to get him to try that i just gave him and did it myself. However now he has just started wanting to take off his clothes when he undresses and will put on his shoes, wellies, pull up his pants and trousers after toilet.
However he is amazingly good with numbers, i don't know how high it can count but i've heard him count to over 300, he can recognise three figure numbers and also do simple addition and subtraction. I've never pushed anything with him its just what he seemed to be into and he just picked it up by himself and when he asks stuff i tell him. I never tell anyone about this in RL.
I have a similar situation, Chaz. DS (now, just turned 4) was late to talk (single words and noises for a loooong time), walk (18 m) and potty train (3.8, but still in night nappies). Would still often, given a choice, sit in a buggy rather than walk. He loves his sleeping bag and still has a dummy at night. DS is also a fussy eater and is a bit of a grumpy personality. So, I have been very embarrassed for him, and myself, at various toddler groups etc.
DS only mastered the scooter a week ago, when he suddenly decided to grab it and have a go. Previously he had only wanted to push it around briefly - not scoot properly IYKWIM (The balance bike still languishes in the corner..). He got the hang of it within 3 minutes. He just wasn't interested before. He still isn't interested in drawing or writing. His drawings look the same they did when he was 1.
However, he is fully bilingual, has known his numbers up to 30 (visually, as well as counting objects, and counting down), as well as all the (common) shapes and colours for a year, at least. Also, he has been able to read just about anything for nearly a year. I have made no effort to teach him. He has taught himself.
So - all kids have their own timetables and priorities at certain ages, but it all levels out in the end. Watching him on his scooter now, you wouldn't know that he hasn't been riding since he was 2. Who cares?
I do, but try hard not to
Thanks everyone. It's true, you ve got to start realising what they can do rather than what they can't. I guess none of it matters and as long as they are on the right track by school start then that's OK. I hate it when I find myself trying to set little learning challenges ('like and what shape is this'), when I'm sure at 3 they should be just having fun?!
I think if I'm honest, the potty training thing has started it off. Most of his friends of the same age are girls and have been p trained ages ago. I find myself dressing him in things that don't show his nappy above his trousers so they don't notice! . He's always been one to do things in his own time though. I guess it's no race!
purple: Definitely not a race! More like a puzzle, or something.. Funny to think that DS might be the only child starting school next year fully able to read and do some counting, but not being able to take his own shirt off (let alone, put it on! Even with all the encouragement in the world..). That will be his individual learning challenge at school.
Remember having massive panic about friend's kids knowing their colours really early and my dd not knowing them! But they catch up and all have different skills. Also completely forgot to take into account that friend is an artist so of course kids (twins) knew their colours.
I think you have to be a bit careful, because kids are little emotional sponges, and every time you see someone their age doing something that your child cannot, it is extremely difficult to keep the disappointment about them out of your manner/voice. Be happy for the other kid for mastering something, for example scooting or letters. Your child will get there at some point when they are ready but has other fish to fry right now! You were saying how to stop it driving you crazy? Don't hang round with competitive parents if you can't walk away taking it all with a pinch of salt. And you need to be really positive about what your child can do, not what they can't. Accept them for what they are, not what they can do. And don't worry about potty training, if he isn't ready, you'll be scaping poo of the carpets. Leave it until he expresses and interest, work with it and chances you won't be dealing with many accidents and sod what anyone else thinks! Sounds like from point 3, (which I am with you on) he probably gets an awful lot more of your time talking, interacting a doing what you do - what better way to learn than that?
Thanks. Good points well made x
DS2 was a thinker rather than a doer. He was talking in full sentences before he could walk - which he didn't do until he was over 19 months.
I was beginning to think he wouldn't bother with walking. There were kids his age who'd be walking close to a year before he started but you know what? He's a teenager now and no-one talks about who walked first, who learned their colours first etc.
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