14 year old wont come home and girlfriends mum encouraging this

(42 Posts)
worried100 Sat 05-Oct-13 08:57:31

2 weeks ago my son went to hit me because i went to take his ipod off him as he was refusing to do anything i asked. this ended up with him storming out and going to his gf house. Then later that night about 9pm i get a knock at the door it was the police come to see if i was ok as my son and gf was at the local station saying i had hit my son. The police officer told me not to worry looks like he just spat his dummy out. But because off the accusation a social worker became involved. The social worker told me my son was going to stay at his gf over the weekend so he could calm down and her mum is happy for this. i agreed this on the understanding he would be home monday. Monday came i spoke with both police and ss and because there was no charge on me my son will be coming home. so ss rang his gf mum and told her to send him home she said no she is keeping him for the for see-able future because he don't want to go home. So a mediation meeting was set up for me and my son to meet this did not go well my son flipped and said his gf mum as said this and that (all lies but he believes her and i am the 1 lying. So the police went to see her and she told them she don't want my son there but her daughter does. so this was reported back to ss. It was then rearranged for me to collect him last night at 6 she told me he had gone out and wont be back till late. she then told ss she is keeping him. I don't like the idea that 2 14 year olds are living together and who are sexually active and all ready have a baby (who lives with me as gf mum wants baby adopted out as she dont want nothing to do with baby she as not told anybody about baby.). I am struggling to understand her she don't want to know baby but wants my son. How do i get him home???

worried100 Sat 05-Oct-13 08:58:27

forgot to say she still tells police she don't want my son there but tells ss she will keep him.

HotCrossPun Sat 05-Oct-13 09:12:18

Your 14 year old son has a baby with his 14 year old girlfriend?

He is a child. You need go and get him and bring him home and try and work through all these issues.

It's worrying that your son would go to the police and say that you hit him when you didn't. What is the background?

worried100 Sat 05-Oct-13 10:20:15

Yes he is a child and as his mum i have offered him all the support going. He is normally a well mannered person everybody comments on how good and polite he his. His back ground everything as always been ok with him until 18 months ago when his dad came back into his life. It got to the stage if i said no his dad would say yes. then one day my son asked for some money as him and his dad was going somewhere and they wanted me to pay. i said no ask your dad to pay your spending time with him and he don't buy /pay for anything for you. my son agreed and asked him so his dad assaulted him he was reported to the police and since then he there as been no contact. But my sons behavior as been getting worse since then. the gp thinks he his suffering from post traumatic stress. then when i found out is gf was pregnant at 30 weeks i asked him and her what they wanted.they both said they did not want the baby adopted out but had no choice as her mum said it had to be that way. the baby was born 3 weeks later premature. after lots off talking it was it was agreed i have the baby smile. everybody was happy with this choice except gf mum she wants the baby adopted out as nobody in her family knows not even gf dad. baby is now 7 months old and doing really well. but gfs mum still don't agree with baby being with us so she keeps saying things to her daughter and my son and that makes my son argue with me (i have now learnt to let him believe what he wants and not argue back). she is trying her best to get baby took away from us and i think this is why my son went to police as she got in is head.both police and ss have said she is very manipulative

Kormachameleon Sat 05-Oct-13 10:30:35

What a mess

I don't know what to suggest but feel extremely,sorry for both 14 year,olds

They are children and children need parenting and on the face of it it seems they have been very badly failed

With regards to your son, gf's mum has no right to keep him, regardless of his wants

If I were you I would get your son back however you can and move as far away as possible from theses people and try and rebuild his life

duchesse Sat 05-Oct-13 10:34:22

Do you think there is any chance your son (who is a child) is actually jealous of the attention you are having to devote to his child? Maybe this is why he doesn't want to be at home- it reminds him all the time that he is in way over his head and dabbling in things that are far beyond his level of maturity and understanding. He is certainly not too old for what would basically be sibling rivalry. In my opinion he is way too young for the mess he is in. However, you are very busy looking after his child. Maybe you do not actually have time to devote to him. That is not your fault (although I do question the wisdom of allowing him the opportunity to reproduce at his age), it is something he is going to have to deal with.

I hope to christ they are using contraception now. Is GF's mother being proactive about that? I completely understand why she might not want the child in her house- it is frankly a disaster for children of their age to have a child to look after. Maybe your son will actually get a chance of a "normal" teenage by staying with his GF's mum.

Is it possible for you to involve your son's father? It sounds like you need a lot of concerned adults to help you with all this.

worried100 Sat 05-Oct-13 10:37:23

all i want his my son home and my family back together. ss are no help they have closed everything as my son his at NO RISK from me. The police they will try and collect him if he is there. But she keeps giving him money to go out (my son told me last night in a text she is giving him everything) He will be loving it there everything on a plate for him. I feel like she is poisoning my son against me just because i said i will bring our grandchild up. don't know what to do any more but one thing is for sure i will not give up on my son or grandchild. I do find it hard to understand she wont let none off her family members know about her beautiful grandchild.

duchesse Sat 05-Oct-13 10:39:03

Worried, does your son have grandparents he can talk to?

worried100 Sat 05-Oct-13 10:42:30

i have alot off support off my family who help me with baby so i can still do things with my son on a 1/1 basis and i also have made sure he is involved when he wants to be i dont force him and i still let him be the teenager he his. He as told me he dont understand how or why her mum can just walk a away from baby and his gf slowly started to drift away from baby too

worried100 Sat 05-Oct-13 10:44:29

all my family have offered him help support even a place to stay he as turned is back on all his family..
His dad is not allowed to be contacted because he his violent

duchesse Sat 05-Oct-13 10:49:35

I think you need to get help from your extended family (your parents/ son's father's parents) to talk him through this. Especially if you've reached the point where he's not really listening to you any more. He is very very young and he doesn't know what to believe. He needs sensible, calm advice.

What you've just said reinforces to me that he is feeling jealous of the baby. You said your extended family is helping you with the baby- you need them to help you with your son too. He is at the exact age where everything you do is going to be wrong. It's so crucial that your extended family is standing by you and supporting you with him. This includes talking to him about his behaviour and responsibilities. Bottom line is, both these children are far too young to be parents. Your son is not going to be be grateful that you are looking after the baby, and neither is the GF. They are simply too young to realise. They only see the impact on themselves.

Ask you son's father to talk to him, ask his grandparents to talk to him, to keep the link. This is not something you can manage on your own. He is very confused at the moment, in the middle of teenage (hormones, mood swings etc), and being told one thing by one person and another by another.

worried100 Sat 05-Oct-13 10:54:42

thank you for the advice duchesse me and all my family are trying all that plus i am now sharing parental responsibility with them for the baby so they dont have to worry about that till they are both mature enough. I feel so sorry for them both. His poor gf really wants her baby home with her but her mum wont have it. not even for a few hours to supervise her daughter so she can have quality time with baby.

Bluebell99 Sat 05-Oct-13 10:55:42

Duchesse , her son's father assaulted him when he asked him for money for an outing they were doing together. His father thought it reasonable that the op should pay and assaulted his own child and the police were involved! I don't think his involvement would be helpful!

worried100 Sat 05-Oct-13 10:59:33

I wont be involving his dad as he is violent and he will make the situation thousand times worse. I have even got my son a private Councillor so he as somebody independent to talk to

Charlottehere Sat 05-Oct-13 11:00:33

Could you offer your son and gf a home at you house?

Kormachameleon Sat 05-Oct-13 11:02:23

So the gf wants the baby ?

Why don't you invite them both to stay a short while at yours ?

worried100 Sat 05-Oct-13 11:04:47

I don't really have the room and they are to young to be living together and her mum will not even let her come to mine to see the baby. i really do feel for his gf as well she is having to keep the baby a secret from everybody including all her family. where me and my son have told people and we have support. i have even thought about trying to get in touch with her mums family and telling them everything but i think that will make thing worse as it is not my place to tell them.

Viviennemary Sat 05-Oct-13 11:14:04

It's an absolute mess and totally unacceptable. The police and SS should be put in the picture. Two under age people having sex which is illegal. I wouldn't trust these people at all,

worried100 Sat 05-Oct-13 11:16:52

the police and ss know everything as i have made sure and i agree it is unacceptable but i am trying to get my son out off there but getting know where but gf mum is encouraging it.

MaryMotherOfCheeses Sat 05-Oct-13 11:35:05

It sounds a right old mess.

But you say ss have told you they won't get involved further because he's at no risk?

He's a child in a sexual relationship, both children are surely at risk.

I don't really know about these things but could Nspcc or Barnardos help with advice? Or get you some support? Ss should be helping surely.

worried100 Sat 05-Oct-13 11:40:37

thats right ss wont get involved now they have gave my son a target support worker (someone to talk to) he arranged for me to go and collect my son last night at 6 but gf mum said she let him go out as she apparently did not know i was going to collect him even though she was told by ss she called me and them liers (i recorded the conversation so ss can listen and so she cant say i was argumentive)

MaryMotherOfCheeses Sat 05-Oct-13 11:50:22

Surely they are still involved then. They arranged for your son to be brought home but it didnt happen.

Its difficult because its the weekend but surely on monday you can go back to them and get them to do something. Sounds like they should be getting you all more mediation because its an awful situation.

worried100 Sat 05-Oct-13 12:01:13

it was the target support worker who arranged for me to collect him at 6 and he not a social worker. but apprently the gfs mum rang the tsw yesterday saying she wants my son out but when i go to collect him she denies it and says its me forcing my son against his wishes thats why i recorded the conversation between us both as i think come monday she will tell them i never went to collect him. she is playing games with us all ans messing with mine and my sons head

Kormachameleon Sat 05-Oct-13 13:20:42

Can you ask support worker to speak to her directly and to collect son on your behalf ?

I'm struggling to see how it has got this far with police and SS

If it were my 14 yo child I would just march round and get him, I would scoop him up and carry him if need be but he is a child and doesn't get to call the shots and neither does anyone else

worried100 Sat 05-Oct-13 14:14:43

that is my next plan to get the support worker to try and bring him home. when i have been round to collect him she dont open the doors if i could just scoop him up and bring him home i would off done so by now. police and ss have said it is stupid and very manipulative from her side. I am just keep getting told to sit back and wait till he his ready to come back home but i dont want to i want my son HOME WHERE HE BELONGS. the longer he his there the worse it is going to make him

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