DD is being bullied - what do I do?

[chicaguapa]

Hi, DD is 4.5 and starting primary school in Sept. A year ago we moved into our house and in the last 6 months or so DD has started playing with some other girls in the road. There is one Y2 and her sister who is same age as DD and starting school with her, and 2 reception aged girls. They always call for DD and ask her to play out. However recently they have been ganging up on her and accusing her of doing naughty things like ruining Y2's colouring book (she didn't) and running away from her whenever DD goes over. This weekend I have been watching them from the upstairs window as a neighbour told me he has seen some bullying going on. DD still seems happy to play with them but can't understand why they play mean games with her.

Once this weekend I went outside and told the girls that DD wasn't going to play with them if they were going to be mean and if they wanted to play nice games with her, they could call for her then. But DD didn't want to go in so we sat outside and made daisy chains. Then the girls came over and said sorry to her and when I asked what for? they said for being mean to her. They seemed genuinely contrite but when I went inside they started running away from her again.

One of the mums brought DD back from their garden a couple of weeks ago as "the girls were being mean to her" but DH didn't ask for more info as he was a bit taken aback. But it left DD feeling like she had done something wrong as she'd been brought home.

How do I help DD understand that these girls are not friends if they play with her in this way? Or is it something she has to find out the hard way? It's a new area for us so she doesn't have any other friends she can play with yet.

[foxinsocks]

I'd just keep her in. If you want her to get to know the little girl who will start reception with her, invite that child, on her own, to your house where you can supervise/keep an eye on what is going on.

[mosschops30]

Message withdrawn

[lisa34]

This is an unfortunate situation but I am sure it is nothing to worry about - I had a similar problem with my DS at school - he is in yr1 and there was a couple of boys who where picking on DS alot of pushing, name calling, and telling tales, i went in to see the teacher and we decided that ds and the ring leader needed to be alone doing some activity together (supervised) - it took a few weeks but now they are friends not best friends but at least the bullying has stopped. I hope it works out

[expatinscotland]

i'd get her some opportunities to meet other people - dance, gymastics, scouts, etc.

[EmmyLou]

your poor dd. Is there any way you could get her to meet some of the other girls that will be in her class in September? She would be at a disadvantage if the only children she knows are the ones being mean to her. Or could you invite the sister who will be going into her reception class to play on her own?

I usually balk at the idea of confronting other parents about this sort of thing unless I know them quite well. People usually get pretty cagey about their child misbehaving. However, as a parent I WOULD want to know if my child was hurting another's feelings on a regular basis - do you feel you could talk to the mother of the two girls?

What about talking to the mother who brought your dd home after the girls were mean - she's already aware of the situation - would her little girl come and play on her own with your DD? With situations like this, breaking up the group and establishing a bond/shared experiences between your DD and another child might help cement a new friendship. Little girls (and big ones) can be so awful to each other.

[chicaguapa]

I can see the advantage in breaking up the group as girls tend to be quite tight-knit don't they? Divide and conquer! Unfortunately the girl whose mother brought DD home is probably the one I like the least and I suspect is the ringleader. Parents can get very sensitive so I am reluctant to speak to the parents at this stage anyway.

It's hard as DD is so chuffed to have friends in the street that call for her. There is another girl who's 8 and her little brother is 3 and they play nicely with DD. How about I speak to her mum to see if that girl could be DD's "buddy" when they're playing out? Maybe they'd be less likely to pick on her when there's a bigger girl looking out for her (which is why I think the other smallest girl isn't picked on as her sister stands up for her)?

Is that how it works? DD is our eldest and I've not had to deal with this before but I want DD to see that I'm supporting her through these difficulties. DD is socially clumsy and not particularly well-developed in that area which I don't think will be helping the issue. But these girls call for her every night and usually play nicely with her, so they must like her company. It's just how to stick up for when they decide to be mean.

[EmmyLou]

Make sure she knows to come and tell you if anything upsets her (she can always do this later on, privately so she doesn't get called a tell-tale?) so at least you know what is going on.