Sensitive daughter - aged 5 and a half ! How to help her ?

[Norah]

Hi everyone,

Some of you may have read my other threads about my dd - who's 5.5 and has been having sleeping problems - night terrors - lately and whose behaviour ahs been awful - probably because of being over-tired !

Well - the night terrors are getting a bit better - I am waking her slighlty before the time she usually has one, and dh has stopped yelling at her during them - so good progress there.

Anyway - last night she was really really upset after school and at bedtime - fairly inconsolable because her friend had apparently being saying nasty things to her - like "I'm never going to be your friend again" - "I don't like you anymore" etc. - and my little dd asked me so innocently if the police would put the friend in prison for breaking something - when asked what this girl had broken - she said "my heart mummy !" - I was speechless !

Anyway - without woffling on - I was just wondering if those of you out there with sensitive little ones ahd found any good ways to make them feel better !

I have said things like "Well she's a silly girl then " "It's her loss not yours" etc - and on other occassions "She doesn't know what she's talking about so take no notice! "

This morning I took this girl to school (school run thing) and she was telling dd that he playhouse was much better than hers because hers has an upstairs etc - I said that they were both v lucky to have playhouses etc - and to stop being nasty - but this kid really annoyed me. She is quite young for the year and is very much "babied" by her parents - bit of a princess I suppose !

At school I mentioned it to the teacher who said she would keep an eye on it - but I just don't know what to do. Teacher said it is likely that they will be separated for next year anyway.

The worse thing is that we are friends with the parents and will be seeing them this weekend - not sure if I should say something - the mother is one of those who believes her child does no wrong - and I don't want to get into a row !

What I need is strategies for helping my dd cope and to stop the comments bothering her ! I too am very sensitive and dwell on things people have said to me - so strategies for me would be great too !!

Thanks !

[Enid]

The Highly Sensitive Child is a good book, you can get it from Amazon

but tbh those kind of comments are part and parcel of girl's friendships I have discovered and there is a part of your dd which is going to have to toughen up the old fashioned way (not being uncaring, dd1 is very sensitive but has toughened up to these comments and now dishes them out with the best of them )

From what you have said I dont think the other child is doing wrong, some girls are like this and although its infuriating it is normal. Your dd will find new friends if she really dislikes this other girl - can you guide her in the direction of other nicer children?

[Enid]

the best strategy for an anxious child is to constantly reassure her and baby her if you have to - but know when to back off and let her sort some things out herself.

I took that tack with dd1 and she is now so confident I feel rather pleased with myself

[WigWamBam]

My dd is in Reception, she's just 5, and she has a friend who sometimes undermines her, puts her down and makes nasty comments. It's a very intense friendship and it's generally OK - the other girl does these things when things don't go her way. It's a control thing, and I found that giving my dd some tricks to gain the control back was useful. I have (gently) helped her to understand that Nina can only have the upper hand if my dd lets her, and that if she just walks away and finds someone else to play with, she takes the control back. I have also told her some things to say that help her feel she really does have some control - along the lines of saying "I don't like it when you do that, please stop", or "I don't play with children who are rude to me" and then walking away - it seems to help her when she feels she has at least some say in what's going on.

I have also encouraged other friendships, in order to limit the amount of time dd and Nina have together. I have spent a lot of time reassuring my dd that she is popular and that she is allowed to play with anyone she choses (Nina often tells her otherwise) but that if she choses to play with Nina then she has to cope with how Nina choses to behave. She has to learn how to deal with friendships, I can't do that for her.

I get on very well with Nina's mother, but there's no use trying to speak to her as it's Nina who rules the roost in their house - what Nina says goes, and she can't ever be in the wrong. Her mother wants the two of them to stay together next year as my dd is her only remaining friend (I wonder why!), but I have asked the teachers to split them - it might be worth you making sure that they will be split next year.

The one thing I would say is not to let your dd hear you calling her friend "nasty", and not to tell her that she's silly or doesn't know what she's talking about. They may all be true but you don't need your dd to know that's how you feel - this is her friend, and despite the way it appears your dd likes this girl. She wouldn't be so affected by her otherwise. Plus she needs to learn for herself how to cope with this kind of thing, and if you can give her strategies to do that (rather than just putting down her friend) that's better in the long run.

And the more you kick against this girl, the more your dd will be attracted to her - I found that out very early on!

[FairyMum]

I found that drama classes increased my DD's confidence in how to deal with situations and express herself. She was never shy, but all my children are quite sensitive and get distressed by more bullyish behaviour both towards themselves and others. I find it quite hard to deal with because I am probably the opposite of sensitive myself. If you were yourself a sensitive child it must be easier to relate to the same in your children.

[Norah]

Thanks everyone - it's so hard - I hate seeing her upset - but I know that this is pretty much normal behaviour.

I do say to her "walk away and play with someone else" but she says this girl follows her and won't let her play with anyone else. She apparently also stops her telling the teacher when she is being mean to her.

I think I will ask for them to be separated - and try and encourage some other friendships.

Will have a look at the book too - thanks for that.

WWB - don't want you to think I am slagging the other child off - but often the things she says are frankly ridiculous ! My dd has 4 wobbly teeth and this little minx has argued the toss with dd saying "THEY are NOT wobbly" - so I said "ask her if she is a dentist !" - the reply came back that she was not in fact a dentist - so I said "So - how does she know your teeth aren't wobbly - and why are you taking any notice of her !" My dd seesm to believe everything she says so I am just trying to discredit her evidence a bit and try and get dd to believe in what she knows is true. is that wrong ?

[FairyMum]

At the end of the day you should be happy your child is a kind little girl. Sensitive herself and more likely to be sensitive towards others. Is she popular? My children, I find, are very popular and easily make friends because other children feel comfortable around them. You can be sensitive without being a pushover and then it's a good combination I think.

[WigWamBam]

Norah, my dd and her friend are just the same. But I still don't think that saying she's silly or nasty helps at all - with my dd it just let her feel that she was always in the right, and so she started telling little fibs to make herself look good and her friend look bad - and things are never that black and white. When dd tells me what Nina has done or said I say things like "That was a silly thing to say", or "It's not nice to treat friends like that" - it's Nina's behaviour that I comment on, not Nina herself - it's the behaviour that's nasty, not Nina ... if that makes any sense. I felt she was more likely to take it in and act on it if it was the nasty behaviour that was being criticised, not her friend, and she does seem to respond better to that.

[Norah]

You're right fairymum ! I was saying to her this morning that she should always treat other children as she would like them to treat her ! Trouble is she is a bit young for the moral high-ground and I think it went pretty much over her head !

I like the idea of saying "I don't play with children who are rude to me!" and then walking away. Although don't want her to then turn into the instigator by upsetting another child !

Dilemmas dilemmas !

[Norah]

WWB - thanks - yes that makes sense ! I will try and do that !

[WigWamBam]

Re: upsetting her friend - when dd walks away from her friend, Nina sulks and cries ... it's manipulation, because at home when she sulks and cries someone comes running to make things better, even if it was her own fault. Dd found it hard at first because she thought she would then get into trouble with the teachers for upsetting Nina, but I feel that Nina has to learn the consequences of her behaviour. If she is nice, everyone plays and has a nice time. If she is vile, she ends up on her own. Eventually she'll work it out!

It helped that the teachers were aware of the problem, and I had a quiet word with them to tell them that dd was concerned about upsetting Nina. They were able to reassure her that she wouldn't get into trouble for refusing to play with Nina, as long as she wasn't nasty when she told Nina that "I don't play with children who are mean to me". If the teachers are aware that there is a problem with your dd and her friend maybe they would be able to do the same thing.

I don't know if all schools have them but dd's school has a Children's Mentor, who helps with bullying and playground situations, and she has been running little sessions on how to deal with the way that other children behave in the playground. If your school has one it might be worth having a chat with her and asking if she can have a talk with your dd to give her some tips on how to handle situations like the ones that she gets into with her friend.

[heavenis]

I'm trying to get ds to have more control over his friend. His friend tells him to say things and he does,which then gets him into trouble.
His friend tells him not to eat things in his pack up so he doesn't.
It's no use saying to his mother as he is the apple of her eye and also rules the roost. They can't go for an evening out because he doesn't like it.
I've told ds to say no I won't do that.