What kind of parent are you?(52 Posts)
As im pregnant with my first child , I often wonder what kind of parenting style ill adopt.
I picture myself being authorative, but I hate the idea of being authoritarian, as in 'you cant have a biscuit because I SAID SO," and will try to reason and compromise the best I can. I believe in being consistent with discipline, and sticking to my word.
However I know this will probably be easier said than done, but this was the way I was brought up.
What kind of parent did you envision yourself being? Liberal? Authorative? Authoritarian? And did you stick to it? Do you bring your children up the same way as you were?
Please dont flame me for having an idea of how I think I would be as a parent- its all part of the fun for me and I appreciate that having children and thinking about being a parent are two different things. Just want to know what im in for
I am definitely a hippy mammy! Not so much so as my mam who LIVED by the "anything for an easy life" philosophy. After seeing the way my youngest brother (5) behaves I knew that I could never be like that. I am easy going with my daughter, but strict when it matters,ad she knows that when I say "no" it is serious, rather than me being petty. However, my friends and family keep joking that I spoil and it makes me so angry! She is well-behaved and polite and is so good when we go out.
I try and live by the adage "say yes when you can but when you say no mean it"
I didn't really think about them not being babies
I'm very easy going though, my mantra is "will this matter in 10 years time?" so, manners, respect, kindness, learning and wanting to learn,all important, but DD2 hating running and me letting her miss sports day today, won't really matter
But mostly what usual said. Winging it.
I try and live by the adage "say yes when you can but when you say no mean it"
Also this! It's easy to get in the habit of saying no. I try and stop and think and say yes as much as possible.
The opposite of my parents!! They had a lot of good points but were very conditional, limited praise and wanting us to 'keep up with the Jones's' type stuff rather than realising how we really were and what we really wanted/needed.
So I try my best to be unconditional, make sure they know I love them enormously and will always be proud whatever path they take. And that its ok to be different and they will always have their parents support. And that they make me happy! I hug and kiss them lots too.
I'm quite firm on some things - set bedtimes, good manners, meals at the table etc but quite laidback in other ways.
I think we're doing ok, we're all happy so it cant be too bad!!
I find that I change to fit the children. Ds1 requires strict boundaries because he will push them at every opportunity. He florishes best when given clear, unchanging rules. Ds2 needs a softer approach and is more capable of sensible compromise.
I started off being very laid back but realised I had to change when behaviour became an issue. It's been a constant learning curve.
When I was younger I used to think I'd be the kind of Mum that let DC do anything, fast forward to having my a teenage DD and I am not that Mum!
I try and understand my children more than my parents did with me. My Mum was always saying I was too young to have a boyfriend/shave my legs/dye my hair.
I have tried to let DD 'know herself' if she feels ready to shave her legs then why should I say she can't.
I also keep my own mistakes to myself, my parents often said we smoked/took drugs/didn't study enough and regretted it so you shouldn't do it, however I took this as they did it and they are Ok so I'll be OK too. With DD I don't use myself as an example, I prefer to remain a paragon of virtue.
One of the best pieces of advice we were given was if you say it you have to follow it through.
If I say I'll read with DS1 in a minute I do,
If I say do that again and there's no TV for a week then that is what will happen.
I get more authoritative (not authoritarian) as the years pass. I started out being quite free range! Not so much these days.
I am a "path of least resistance" parent. I basically get dictated to by my 4 month old
I have been the opposite of how I expected to be so far. I thought I would be pro routine from day one - in fact I wasn't at all. I thought I would FF from day one - am still BF at 15 months. I thought I would make all the food from scratch - in fact I have used many a pouch or jar - why chop and blend when you could be cuddling?
The key thing is, I feared I wouldn't love my daughter, or would only love her if she had certain qualities - in fact I find I would lay down my life for her a thousand times. I couldn't give a shit what she ends up being good or bad at, as long as she is happy. And I am much more physically affectionate than I thought I would be.
Instincts played a big part in it all for me - rational thought sent out of the window!
I don't have a consistent style at all.
I use whatever tool I have in my kit to get the job done. Sometimes I scream and shout, sometimes I give in, sometimes I cajole, sometimes I bargain, sometimes I bribe ...
I think my style is flexible...
I'm much more routine based than I thought I would ever be. I realised in the early days that going with the flow didn't suit me and DS at all. I need structure in my life, so consistent bedtimes/naptimes/mealtimes have been on the agenda since weaning. (I bf on demand for the first 6 months).
I am quite strict, but I am quite pfb and protective. I don't want him to have to toughen up too quickly. (14mo)
I do want free-thinking DC, however - independent experience (albeit in situations of mt choosing) is key to my parenting style.
I thought that I'd just carry on my life as normal and my children would just fit it. Imagined taking a young baby camping, on bike rides, even along to parties and they would just sleep there (ha ha ha!).
I also thought I would be a lot stricter than I am I.e no chocolate until they were 4, always eat at nicely at the table etc (again ha ha ha!). I do think it depends on your child's personality though, some make it pretty hard to stick to your guns. My dd is very demanding and she gets away with too much. I do what I can to get by.
Being a nursery nurse for 6 years before having DS and being so hot on health & safety, routine, child protection etc, I thought I would be a worrier parent - the type that buys stoppers so doors don't slam on fingers, socket protectors and so on. I'm actually more laid back, soon realised I wouldn't get sued if my child broke his arm falling off the sofa!
Seriously though, it definitely changes as they get older. I'm laid back about most things but I don't tolerate misbehaviour in public places. I always thought I'd follow the book but reality was definitely different!
Only thing about being a nursery nurse was the prohibited use of the word 'naughty'. I've never called a child naughty, ever, and this has become part of my parenting. At 2.4, DS has never been called naughty and doesn't even know what it means. I don't work in child care anymore either but the emphasis on naughty being a big no-no is still there.
My son is two. I'm very affectionate, silly, try to encourage creative play and a love of the outdoors, but I'm also strict about certain things (bedtime, being kind to our dogs, saying please and thank you as opposed to whining for something).
What's the deal with not saying 'naughty' silk? Is it because its a negative word or that the behaviour is 'naughty' (unacceptable) rather than the child?
I always get confused by this
The kind that never scrimps on love, cuddles and kisses as much and as often as I can. Because of this my 2.6yo ds knows that when I sound stern I mean it and he should listen! I'll be one of those embarrassing mothers who is still stealing public displays of affection - deliberately - when he's 16. The kind that gives him space and freedom to develop confidence and explore on his own without calling him back all the time, and encourage him to dust himself off when he falls. But when he's really hurt I'll sweep him up in my arms and kiss it better. He has truly made me a much better person than I ever thought possible. Not a perfect mum by any means, but a better human being.
FadBook - it's because it's a negative label. And if you say a child is naughty, that's not really addressing the behaviour, just calling the child a name. It can affect their confidence , esteem etc. Same with the term stupid - say it often enough, a child will believe they're stupid.
I like the 'strict but loving' description. I am very firm - the rules are there and I expect them to be stuck to but I go with the reminders of the rules rather than actual punishment other than timeout for the youngest who is six, and
almost never ever deviate from them - if it's OK today why is it not OK tomorrow? All of my boys are expected to remember their manners etc. I am loving and have loads of fun with them but I am their parent first and their friend second.
Fairly laidback now they are older. I do insist on being spoken to respectfully, no swearing in my hearing, absolutely no derogative or sexist language, but am open to being told that I am talking through the back of my head. Tend to trust them rather than snoop.
Basically I am more relaxed now that I can see they've got the sense they were born with. Also they have got used to me and know where the boundaries are. Not very different from my own parents, except that I am more shock proof. Dd tells me things that I would have tried to protect my parents from because I always felt they were a bit innocent.
According to my mother I'm unbelievably strict with them
I think I may have said 'No more jellies' once in her presence and she's decided I'm unfairly tough on them.... she seems to have had selective amnesia about taking packets of buttons my granny gave me and doling them out 1 a day!
I'm pretty relaxed really, some things I won't tolerate and come down hard on, lots of stuff I let fly. I'm not too pushed about treats or tv within reason. I'm a bit shouty but tbh I'm under a lot of stress with a degree, work and 3 children (2 with SN) so my nerves are a bit frazzled. I insist on politeness but am failing miserably to instil table manners and don't really care. I buy them treats 'just because' if I can afford it, they know not to nag fro them if I say no.
I'm somewhere between 'dragging them up' and 'child-led'
Very like my parents, except that once my mother said 'no' she stuck to it, whereas I am inclined to rethink, if given a reasoned, sensible argument.
I think that you can over think it all and all you really need is - unconditional love, security, time, and a sense of humour.
I'm usually fairly laid back, but can be because I have tight boundaries to be laid back within. I set those boundaries taking the boys into account, though. Both have SN, which always ups the ante a little bit. I also build in wiggle room, because it's in DS1's nature to argue with everything, so I give him the opportunity to negotiate a reasonable compromise, in some situations and feel like he has complete control in others (usually, he doesn't really).
I started off thinking I'd be strict and that he'd fit in around our lives but it didn't happen! I'm ridiculously soft and gentle with him and everything revolves around him! I'm even a sahm now which I never imagined. One thing I've learnt is don't compare children of similar ages. They all reach their milestones at different ages sometimes months apart and it used to bother me. But then I realised all adults are different and therefore children are! Enjoy! Everyone said it goes so quick and I thought yeah right, but it really does, it's weird!
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