DESPAIR OVER DD

[tewin]

DD is just 11yrs and not interested in anything except tv and music. School work really suffers but she doesnt care. Have paid for extra maths lessons (an area where she needs loads of help) but still just not bothered. Gets really grumpy with me when I discuss sch work and ask her to practice maths. Just bought her electric guitar last wk for birthday (very much wanted), does she bother with it?, no, HELP I want so much for her to enjoy a good time and be exposed to various options and activities but shes just not interested. Any advice?????????

[Hallgerda]

Fake a temporary breakdown (of the TV, radio, computer, and other means of passive entertainment, not yourself!!!), then see what your daughter does.

[bluejelly]

Take her to a concert?
Get her guitar lessons?

[Hallgerda]

bluejelly's suggestions are good ones - using activities she likes in order to get her to do the things you want her to do - but might part of the problem be that she would like to decide for herself what she does, and not be overly organised/supervised/watched by you?

I doubt you can make her care about the school work. Bribery might encourage her to do it with better grace. Alternatively, allowing her a brief experience of failure unsupported may lead her to see the point of the extra maths. tuition.

[tewin]

I took her to a guitar lesson and she said it was too noisy so am now organising for someone to come to the house. I have OFFERED: singing, dancing, golf, tennis, drama you name it butshe just says no. She has no ideas herself and from where I see it she just likes to laze about watching tv and listening to music. Am I wrong to want so much more for her. I thought activities would be a confidence booster and hopefully a more "rounded" person. Her sats practice papers I have been asking her to do she is scoring around 15/17 from 40 but she really is not bothered. I just want to MOTIVATE her aarrgghhh, HELP....................

[juuule]

Do you think you might be trying to hard? What would happen if you left her to do her own thing for a few months? I know my children have told me on occassion to 'stop bugging them' :) . Just a thought.

[tenalady]

Hi Tewin, I hate to say this but you are trying too hard. Sound like shes at that stage where she wants to be left alone. As soon as they get to secondary school they get that attitude thing brought on by their peers. I found ignoring it with my SD seemed to hit the spot. Unfortunately its a long wait til they come out the other side. I started to see a difference around age 15. This period is the time that discipline is an absolute must as they try it on big time. I would ignore the moping around and thank god she isnt at that deceitful stage and creeping around getting into all sorts.

[bluejelly]

I agree I would leave her to it. Watching tv and listening to music are very normal activities for her age. You never know she may become a tv presenter or a rock star!

Does she have friends at school?

[tewin]

yes has friends and is popular at school, all her friends are busy doing things. Each weekend she looks to me and dh to ENTERTAIN her. I do leave her alone as well as offer choices just find is sad that shes not interested in anything. Her upbringing is so privileged to the one I had had guess that makes it hard to understand.

[bluejelly]

'You can lead a horse to water but you cannot force it to drink' springs to mind!
Is there anyway she can join in with one of her friend's activities instead?
Or could you let her have sleepovers or regular friends round?

If she is really not interested then I would just let her be for a while.

[tewin]

she has friends here for sleepovers and also goes to them too. She is shy and I think this stops her from trying to do things even though I give her heaps of encouragement. I suffered badly of shyness as a child and I look back now and see how I MISSED OUT. Just wanted so much more for DD. I will back off though. Thanks guys.