DP think this is a step too far for 7yo tomboy DD 2

(83 Posts)
sweetkitty Sun 23-Jun-13 16:18:20

DD2 who is 7 1/2 has always been a tomboy since she had a preference. She now dresses like a 7yo boy right down to her underwear. We made her wear a dress to DD1s communion (a black plain dress) and she hated it, she was so uncomfortable in it.

Anyway they have a school disco tomorrow I took them all shopping today, DD2 did her usual dash to the boys section and chose a boys checked shirt and a pair of navy blue chinos.

DP said its too far, she should not be dictating to us at 7 what she wants to wear. I had a conversation with DD2 and said you do know the other girls will have nice dresses on, you might feel left out. She said no I won't. She's very strong willed and knows her own mind.

I'm quite happy to buy her boys clothes and let her wear them as long as its what she wants, everyone at school knows she's a Tom boy and have accepted her.

I think it may be a bit more than just being a Tom boy as she has said things in the past about wishing she was s boy and wishing she had a winky like DS but I don't get hung up on it I just let her be herself.

Loads of other people always try to reassure me that its a phase and shell turn out a very girly girl like I'm worried. If she turns into a dungaree wearing lesbian ill be yay as proud of her maybe more so for being herself.

I'm happy for her to wear the checked shirt, DP is not hmm

DeWe Mon 24-Jun-13 09:57:18

There's a couple of girls that one of my dc's have grown up with that are tomboys, wearing boys uniform etc. One of the best moments at sports' day one year was the teachers let them run in the boys' race and one of them won grin

The children all accept them for who they are. I've never heard a negative comment about their clothing choice at all.

adoptmama Mon 24-Jun-13 11:05:17

Good for you OP to have the courage to allow your DD to be herself - whatever that is and however she may wish to express it. You have clearly done a great job in helping her develop self confidence. Maybe she will grow out of it, maybe not. I have a friend whose daughter is transgender and she expressed not only a preference for boys clothing and haircut, but also the desire to be a boy; all from a very early age. I know it has caused a lot of heartache for the family; not because of their own unwillingness to accept it but due to the attitude of others, including extended family who still buy 'girly' toys and pink clothes for her in the hope that they will influence her! Acceptance is so important. It's great to see so many people are open now to the fact that gender and identity are not the same thing and that children need to be accepted for who they at the time, whether or not it is a 'phase' they 'grow out of'.

MortifiedAdams Mon 24-Jun-13 11:16:57

If your dd had picked out a pink dress and told you that is what she wanted you to buy how would DH react? Your DHs argument falls flat if he didnt also see that as her dictating to you.

Your DH is unhappy at her choosing to stand out and not conform to social norms. Instead he should be over the fucking moon that his daughrer is strong and sassy and knows what she likes instead of meekly following the crowd against her own perspnal desires.

so what if she is a lesbian, so what if she continues to dress like a boy for the rest of her life, so what if sje is straight, so what if she ends up as cabin crew painting a face on every morning and having regular spray tans.

As long as she is happy.

sweetkitty Mon 24-Jun-13 12:00:49

Mortifiedadams - I love your post grin my sentiments exactly, we were in a large shop she had the choice and that's what she chose, she also chose a shark t-shirt and boys shorts. She still likes her hair long though but only in a pony tail and bunches and plaits are cute and she doesn't want to be cute.

She asked me when did I realise she was a boy and not a girl, I said just before your second birthday when you burst out crying because Santa brought you a baby born doll and pram and you wanted a Hulk, Santa did also bring her a Hulk btw and never made that mistake again (in Santas defence he bought the 2 girls the same things to stop fights).

So she's shown a preference since before 2, when she was about 5 she started dressing like a boy as well.

She won't do more boyish versions of girls clothes and doesn't like boys clothes in more traditionally feminine colour like pinks and lilacs. She despises pink with a passion, her bedroom is green with loads of dinosaurs grin

She'll wear her new checked shirt and chinos tonight to her disco and look lovely I'm sure.

MERLYPUSS Mon 24-Jun-13 12:01:13

I never wear dresses and always hated them when younger. If I have to go down the smarter dress style route I opt for tunics and leggings with DMs. They do some lovely skinny jeans in fab colours at the mo so she would look great in those with a boys shirt. Perhaps go down that route and get them in a wild colour. If she wants to wear chinos - so? You should be very proud that she is not a sheep and buying into the pink princess brigade.
I applaud her.

sweetkitty Mon 24-Jun-13 12:02:39

In DPs defence he usually loves the way she is but I think he just worries about her being bullied.

Oh and I've had her BFs mum complain that she's turned her into a Tom boy as well.

GrimmaTheNome Mon 24-Jun-13 12:20:50

You might find that if she normally wears 'boy' clothes, then turned up at the disco in a dress, someone might make fun of her for that. Her friends are presumably used to her clothing preferences, so why would they bully her for sticking to them?

I would guess that the thing most likely to make her a victim of bullies is to make her less sure of herself.

SpockSmashesScissors Mon 24-Jun-13 12:23:25

My oldest has a girl in his class who is a tomboy, likes boys clothes etc., they are all 8 or 9.

All the children just accept it, at her recent party the whole class was invited, all the children were insistent that she got presents and cards that she liked, lots of football themed cards and presents, no pink at all, all guided by the children.

sweetkitty Mon 24-Jun-13 12:24:08

When she wore a dress to DD1s communion she didn't want anyone to see her in it. She even hates seeing photos of herself as a baby wearing pink and to be honest she never really suited pink and girly.

sweetkitty Mon 24-Jun-13 12:25:30

Spock - the people that know DD2 will not buy her anything girly or a girls card, she still gets some from my aunts but she says that's ok because they are old.

Bumpsadaisie Mon 24-Jun-13 13:11:09

I was much like this at this age. I "grew out of it" at about 9 yrs old.

I would go with it.

CabbageHead Mon 24-Jun-13 13:13:58

When i was a kid i was a real tomboy too.. Once in summer, when i was 10, i decided to take my T-shirt off cos it was hot and my parents told me off for it.. I couldn't understand why cos all the boys could go around with no shirt on, made sense to me lol!
I had loads of boy mates at school and had girlfriends too, same when i was older, still preferred hanging out with boys rather than girls cos they were much more adventurous and u could have a 'real' conversation (about motorbikes or the world, rather than nail polish and hairdryers!!). I also dressed in boy clothes .. Later on in my 20's i was visiting my hometown, and in the local niteclub, a guy came up to me and remembered me from school and he told me i used to wear gray wool boy socks everyday ha ha! I even wore my dads old army clothes and wore boys trousers.. Even tho i own dresses now (im 43!) i still dont always feel comfortable dressed up, and just bought my first handbag last year!!!
I cant stand all the pink and blue stuff for kids in the shops, my ds wears all colours, purple woteva, who cares.. Its just indoctrination to me.. Same with giving boys cars and girls dolls, if thats their preference great but if its not who cares.. (I loved visiting my best male friend as a kid cos he had lego and army soldiers and racing cars, i just had dolls, which i liked but loved his toys more!!!)

sweetkitty Mon 24-Jun-13 21:11:40

She went to her disco with her checked shirt, chinos, green converse and her hair in a ponytail as having it down is too girly. No one batted an eyelid, she looked cute grin

tribpot Mon 24-Jun-13 21:12:55

Excellent result smile

Good for her! Don't tell her she looked cute though, eh? wink

My DD is only 3 (same age as your youngest <waves from antenatal thread> not a stalker, promise) and I hope she grows to have the same self confidence that your DD has.

ByTheSea Mon 24-Jun-13 21:27:07

My DD2, now 11, has always been like this and I just let her be herself. She has now started to show an interest in dressing a little bit more feminine and that is fine too.

freerangechickens Mon 24-Jun-13 21:43:31

Good for your DD!!

SorryMyLollipop Mon 24-Jun-13 21:56:04

I hated being a girl up until the age 12ish. I wished I was a boy etc and I loved being mistaken for a boy. I was a total tomboy, I hated my body changing in puberty.

I am still a bit tomboyish (in my 40s now!) but am now happy to be female . I am totally heterosexual as well (i have experimented just to check.)

Looking back I hated the expectations of being a girl, being told to be more "ladylike" made my blood boil. Boys seemed to have much more freedom.

Your DD will enjoy herself at the disco in her choice of clothes. Trousers and shirt sound fine. I bet she'll have a brilliant time x

FredFredGeorge Mon 24-Jun-13 22:27:59

Good result, I hope you can review your "compromise" over the communion and let her choose what to wear there too (well really I hope you can review her choice to do it, given that she's said it's not for her...)

You sound so supportive everywhere else, but then want to make her unhappy?

gallicgirl Mon 24-Jun-13 22:41:46

Tomboy? Seriously?

She's active, sporty, independent, masculine, fabulous, intelligent, caring,.thoughtful and a 100 other adjectives.

Enjoy her, let her find her own way and stop worrying about what everyone else thinks

Glenshee Tue 25-Jun-13 11:32:55

freerangechickens, BrianTheMole –

every child deserves to have options and be introduced to all sorts during their early years – all kinds of activities, all kinds of clothes, all kinds of food, all kinds of places, and all kinds of people (introverted, extroverted, funny, serious, noisy, quiet...) It prepares them for life as rounded individuals and opens opportunities they never knew existed. There’s no need to force any particular style on a 7 year old, but I wouldn’t give up on her potential to explore and adopt other styles either. That’s part of growing up!

The clothes I suggested are meant to bridge the gap between the (traditionally) boys and girls clothes, and I would keep some options like that open, and within reach, as a gentle reminder that there’s more to clothing and fashion than jeans and trousers.

This is what I would have liked my parents to do for me, when I was a child with the same kind of (also very strong) preferences. This is not what I wanted them to do for me as a child, but it’s what I now think is most beneficial, particularly for their teenage years and future career options.

Again, it’s all about the balance. Freaking out would be an odd and extreme reaction, but completely going with the flow doesn’t seem right to me either.

vess Tue 25-Jun-13 12:49:02

I think boys' clothes are unisex kids' clothes really. It is the typical girls' clothes that are abnormally grown-up, a scaled-down model of women's or teens' clothes. I wouldn't want to wear them either. Or do I think that because I was a tomboy myself?

I can see where Glenshee is coming from, but I think it is valid for the teenage years and after. At some point after the age of 14 you stop being a tomboy and become just a badly dressed girl.

sweetkitty Tue 25-Jun-13 13:40:47

FredFredGeorge - she does want the communion but in her own way, she doesn't want the huge sparkly dress, tiara, big cake, balloons and party that DD1 had. We will go shopping and find her a dress that she will wear just to the service then she can take it off. She's just wanting a family meal no fuss so that's what we are having.

I think there's also a point where we as adults have to wear things we don't want to whether its a suit or a uniform.

She's being allowed to chose her clothes and if she decides to go more girly at some point then that's great just as great as if she dresses in male clothes forever.

She's at her sports day today, boys trainers, socks, pants, shorts and a lovely shark t-shirt grin

arabellacaterpillar Tue 25-Jun-13 17:12:44

Thank you for posting this Sweetkitty, I came here this afternoon feeling pretty down about my DD2 (5) who since 2 years old has always worn boys clothes.

She wants to be a boy, all her friends are boys, had her hair cut short a few months ago etc.

This afternoon my Mum said I should just make her wear a school summer dress (she wear boys grey shorts).....I said she would hate it and Mum said "So!". She also said "what's she like" and not in a nice way either!

I was feeling like I was doing something wrong, DH & I love her personality, we understand she would not like to wear a dress and frankly I don't care that she's not a girly girl. All her teachers have commented on the fact that she is her own person, which to me is a very valuable characteristic.

Sorry major essay!! Hooray for our self confident tomboys!!!

sweetkitty Tue 25-Jun-13 18:39:52

arabellacaterpillar - your so right not to make her wear a dress, that would be awful for her. I have no contact with my mother but I would guess she would be the same, the looks and comments I got when I bought DD1 some Fisher Price toy cars when she was one.

A lot of people say they wanted a girl to dress in pink and frills and they got a Tom boy instead, Tom boys must be pretty common.

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