Peer pressure

(21 Posts)
nameofanother Wed 29-May-13 08:50:42

Interesting that the boys mother has completely different circumstances to yourself keepcalm as i do think this is significant. I know most of my friends have fundamentally the same set of rules and expectations which makes it easy when our children play together (unfortunately they live 200miles away) The little girl in question has just sort of fit into the parents life ifykwim whereas when I had my lot life as I knew it completely changed. My dh and I moving to a different area probably contributed to this as we have absolutely no family/close friends nearby so our social just vanished but tbh dh and I are just family types rather than party people.
Oops got to go nursery run....

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected Tue 28-May-13 16:24:16

Hi again alittlehoarse!

Actually I am very similar to you with my DS in comfy babygros/breastfeeding etc. Even used to be seriously in to horses as well!

His mother is a single parent, a lot younger than me and very nice. She works full-time including a lot of weekends, and absolutely no offence to any working mums out there intended, but I think because of this (particularly because of the weekends), she really loses touch with him and what he actually gets up to because they spend such little time together. He does get shoved around from one elderly relation to another and I know he gets very bored, hence liking it here so much.

As you say I have pretty much got the situation in hand, but believe me it has taken an awful lot of thought and energy and even a bit of bravery to have courage in my convictions, but I really had no choice as things were getting quite out of hand with him. I found (still do sometimes) that I was constantly questioning myself ie. was I too strict? was I being old fashioned? was I being unreasonable? were my expectations too high? was I being controlling? But I can't tell you how pleased I am that I put my foot down, because when push came to shove, I just couldn't have let it continue to be so bad under my own roof (I know that sounds horrendously old-fashioned but that's frankly how strongly I felt about it).

Agree entirely with cory in terms of expectations of her own children's behaviour.

alittlehoarse Mon 27-May-13 11:59:09

That is a good tip cory and I will remind them of this.
Jeez I thought that we are out of the toddler phase it got easier.... <<laughs at own stupidity>>

cory Mon 27-May-13 10:18:14

Dynamics will change, best friend at 8 may well be a distant memory by 13.

In the meantime, what I have found most helpful is to make sure my dc know that I will never be interested in any excuses, never care that the other child does this or told them to do it, that I am in charge of their behaviour and I care about what they do.

alittlehoarse Mon 27-May-13 10:09:40

I think you sound like you have the situation in hand. Having lots of other friends and going to a different school means you can fortunately be completely in control of time they spend together. Interesting you say you are friendly with his Mum. What is she like? Does she have similar outlook to yourself? Myself and the Mum of the 8 yo are friendly enough to share a cuppa/glass of wine and she is really lovely but she is a party animal, very trendy, girly type whereas I'm defo more earthy, always look like I have just rolled in a hay shed and am most at home in my wellies! When her dd was a baby she was dressed in cute outfits and ofc to Granny's house on a Sat night to let Mum and Dad party. When my lot were babies the wore babygros until they could walk, were barefoot and breastfed until the practically left for Nursery! I know I would certainley at that stage not have been her cup of tea. Even with the bfeeding she has said 'oh i wouldnt be bothered with all that nonsense'. I know in her eyes i'd have been looked upon as some kind of hippy!
My dd goes to school with the 8yo and so they see each other daily. I know the dynamics will change when the 8yo goes off to big school. At the moment I'm just crossing fingers some more children move yo the area.
Good to know it is not just me who has these worries!!

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected Mon 27-May-13 09:36:44

Really sympathise with you too! My DS adores this boy too so it is very hard at times.

We too are very rural, but lucky in that he has some great friends at school which we see during holidays etc (thank god this boy goes to a different school). We also see other friends outside school that he has known since he was a baby. Again, I am very conscious when making these arrangements it's keeping my DS away from his influence and that he is much better off mixing with the other children.

I know exactly what you mean about 'telling her off'. I got to the point that I started really resenting him more and more getting away with pushing the boundaries and literally dictating the foul mood in the house (door slamming, very black moods etc), that in the end I had to be absolutely black and white about what was acceptable behaviour.

It was very hard though initially in terms of how to handle it - like in your situation, although I would have personally loved my DS never to have seen him again, my DS adores him. The trump card I had was that he actually loves coming here and has had to curb his behaviour so that he does not jeopardise coming here. When he steps out of line however, I have learnt to put him straight instantaniously, because I know that he will start pushing the limits again ifyswim.

I don't know if any of this could help you - I really hope so, equally I appreciate that it is a very difficult situation. (I actually started resenting the fact that I had to put so much thought in to solving a situation created by a 7 year old!!).

I have got to go now, but will look this up later.

alittlehoarse Sun 26-May-13 23:26:37

Sorry about typos! Bloody phone....

alittlehoarse Sun 26-May-13 23:25:16

keepcalm i sympathise. It isn't easy. I worry about 'telling her off' as thunk perhaps then she may give my dd the brush off and as there are so few of them (there is only one group of girls at school because so small) this eould completely isolate my dd1. I'm thinking slightly undesiranle influence better than unhappy lonely dd1.
Are there other boys in your ds school that he plays with and could invite round? I feel if dd had a few friends at school I could ask over this girl would be less of an influence but there are just no girls her own age here. sad

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected Sun 26-May-13 22:07:13

In answer to your question - I am terribly concerned far too much of the time!!

Have a DS who is 6 year's old, quite young for age, not perfect but normal nice little boy with a good heart. Friend is a neighbour who is 7 year's old but as you so well described - so much older in his head. Not malicious, but very angry with a very negative (wear you down) attitude, quite rude and no manners. (Two examples: 1. Using third finger at bus driver after being dropped off after school. 2. Will intentionally ignore in rude manner adults inc. DH when saying hello/goodbye etc). I would also describe him as being quite rough.

The way I deal with it, is quite sternly, in that I now do not allow ANY rudeness ie. bad language, bad manners, bad attitude in my house. Because he absolutely loves coming here - lots of space outside, toys, freedom to play as much as they like, nice snacks etc etc., it actually does work (hope I'm not tempting fate there). But half measures don't work with him, and it makes me feel quite old and strict sometimes, but I simply cannot allow him to dictate the mood/bad attitude under my roof.

Like you, have started a couple of after school activities for my DS, and I am sorry to say, but although I would take my DS along anyway, I am very conscious of the fact that it's spending less time with this not so great character.

alittlehoarse Sun 26-May-13 21:15:05

Cross posts there!
We do lots of out of school stuff including riding but I do feel dd1 does lack a special friend. Someone her own age with parents who have similar lifestyle to us. We are fairly run of the mill folk but in this area there is a clear divide of locals who don't really want to be too friendly, nothing more than superficial! Then there are incomrrs who tend to stay for a few yrs then leave! We did have some nice friends with dc who we all got on with but over time each family moves away. Another lovely friend moving next month too. It is getting harder and harder.
Yet the other side is lovely peaceful place, freedom to play out in the forest and being safe and somewhat sheltered.

alittlehoarse Sun 26-May-13 20:40:55

There are only 2 girls to speak of really. One is the 8yo who is polite enough in my home but can just be quite rude if she is uncomfortable. Perhaps her age? I had my df and her dc come stay and when this 8yo came over to play I introduced her to them. Her face was hilarious, she didnt say much but had this sort of Vicky Pollard expression as if to say 'yeah what?'
Another day she appeared when my friend was here on her horse and she announced with the same facial expression 'i don't like horses'. hmm
Other friend at school is also 8 and despite being half yhe size of my 6yo she is a little bully. If she comes to play she is a little too physical with my youngest dd and has her in tears. She has also bullied 2 previous pupils who have now moved from the area.
I live in hope of new families moving to the area but at the moment they seem to be moving away more than moving in. sad

Eachpeachpearwherestheplum Sun 26-May-13 20:40:35

I think if they were not achieving at school I would move them. Or if they behaviour was so influenced and meant you couldn't discipline them at home I would certainly move them. It doesn't sound like this is the case though. There are benefits later on living in a rural location. You may even protect them from influences later on in secondary school etc

I would consider clubs like Beavers/cubs etc where there are certain expectations about behaviour etc or maybe a sport like tennis where they gain the discipline but don need lots of others to practice etc. how about caring for an animal or riding lessons? Again a discipline and responsibility.

I think all parents worry about this. I am really trying to keep his interests rich and make out of school activities as important as school. I really make a huge effort with our baby friends and so he has good growing relationships with children and families we love. I do get worried seeing some of his peers in a very tricky class, but he is happy and doing well at the moment. I feel like I need to work so hard though to kerb language he picks up sad

ZenOfPetals Sun 26-May-13 20:27:54

Our 6 year old is in a swimming class, too, and it is busy, not social. I think eachpeach had a good point-the more kids they meet, the less influence each one has. Maybe more kids will move into the area? Wouldn't it be terrible if you moved, and then more nice kids joined the school after you had left? Could it be that those children are only mouthy in groups, but nice and fun one-on-one?

alittlehoarse Sun 26-May-13 20:21:14

We also do as many clubs etc as poss but swimming is 25 miles away and so she would only see the kids in her swim class during her lesson.
It will always I suppose be an issue in remote places. I just csn't decide if it is a big enough problem to make us consider a move.

ZenOfPetals Sun 26-May-13 20:18:02

Is there any chance of activities, as eachpeach mentioned?

alittlehoarse Sun 26-May-13 20:16:22

Other dc are one of each. Dd2 starts school this yr so perhaps the gap between them will close slightly. Unfortunately it will be dd1 influencing dd2 however and she is heavily influenced by her 8yo friend. The 8yo isn't a bad kid but she is spends a lot of time with adults and has a bit of attitude.

Eachpeachpearwherestheplum Sun 26-May-13 20:03:32

I worry about this at school so am doing all I can to broaden his social group, we swim, do sports, clubs etc all outside of our town etc I think this is all I can Di sadly

ZenOfPetals Sun 26-May-13 19:50:20

I have a six year old,too. They are impressionable. This is tricky. Are your other DC girls as well and do they likehanging out with the 6 year old?

alittlehoarse Sun 26-May-13 19:26:42

My dc are 9, 6 and 5. It is really my dd1 who is 6 that I worry about. She is probably most easily influenced. Maybe because she is the only 6yo at school (very small school and she is only pupil in that yr). She therefore plays with the 3 girls in the class 2yrs her senior.
There are not enough kids really but not much I can fo about it.

ZenOfPetals Sun 26-May-13 13:56:31

How old are your DC? If they do manage to avoid those children, is there no- one else for them to play with at all?

alittlehoarse Sun 26-May-13 11:41:06

How much would you worry about peer pressure/influence of friends behaviour on your dc (same thing i suppose!)
If your dc was in a class/area where there were only a few friends to choose from and these kids were less than ideal role models, how big an issue would this be for you?
Not sure if I am over thinking this.
Btw my dc are far from perfect but I am talking kids that are older in the head for their years and are gobby or kids that are just full of attitide/display bullying behaviour.

If this was the only choice of friend for your dc would you just get on with it and hope your dc know from how they are parented that this type of behaviour is not on.

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