Can anyone suggest any ways I can help my daughter stand up to her friend?

(37 Posts)
innertiger Mon 13-May-13 21:47:31

My dd is 6 and in Y1. She is in a single form entry school with only 10 girls in the class. She gets on well with all the girls, gets invited round to play etc but has become in thrall to a QB. When she started in reception she became particular friends with the QB and girl X. They largely played well together but there were some problems with QB and girl X and the teacher was very careful to try and micro-manage the triangle. My dd seemed to be very happy and unaffected by the issues.

Since the start of the year my dd has reported various bits and pieces but as she is quite a sensitive character I tried to deal with it by keeping it light – trying to get her not to take things too much to heart.

Things have now escalated, examples of recent behaviour:
Telling my dd to say things to other children (usually not kind things); telling her to play what games she wants to play/who will be which characters etc ; telling her that she is fat; criticising her food choices at lunch; telling her that she can’t do things as well as QB can; telling her that her possessions are rubbish; telling her that she is showing off; telling her not to tell me (grrrrrr) and the list goes on……

And my dd goes along with it all!!! She seems to be feeling under a lot of pressure now and I am concerned for her self-esteem. We have been trying to come up with strategies for her, things to say, ways to respond etc but she always loses her nerve, crying and saying that QB will shout at her. She has started to get very upset over this and so I contacted her teacher – who is being very supportive and trying lots of things in the classroom to help.

I can’t talk to QB’s mum. We are friendly and I know she would be mortified but I also think it could make things worse for my dd. I’d rather that was my absolute last option.

I’d really like to hear if anyone has any ideas of what we can be doing at home as nothing I say seems to work and I’ve run out of ideas 

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie Tue 14-May-13 11:40:17

Glasgow parent...it's a bit different when they're playng in the street....and not at school. To be honest I think 4 is too small to be out and playing with 7 year olds.

xyla Tue 14-May-13 12:28:06

Perhaps "did you mean to be so rude" can be adapted in this kind of situation.

innertiger Tue 14-May-13 12:31:24

Thank you all for your advice and suggestions. …..

I had a chat with dd this morning and asked her to do one thing for me – to not speak unkind words on behalf of QB. And I said that if QB didn’t like it and tried to pressurise her, then she could just tell QB that I had told her she was not to do it. At least if I can stop her spreading the nastiness, that’s one step forward. Luckily, the nature of what my dd has been saying on behalf of QB to the others isn’t horrible (just a bit bossy) and all the other girls seem very happy to still play with her.
I have organised 2 play-dates this morning and also managed a chat with the mum of girl X, who has been going through the same stuff, so we had a good natter about strategies etc.

I also told dd that I had spoken to her teacher. She burst into tears, saying that QB was going to be so cross with her, but when I pointed out that this happened last week and that the teacher will never tell QB that we’ve spoken, she seemed so much happier. Hopefully, this will all help to make her feel safer and stronger.

I’m sure this will all work out and yes, I suspect they may well be good
friends in the future. What I have found hard, is that I haven’t been able to equip her with the assertiveness to stand up to QB. Her teacher says it comes form a good place – she doesn’t want to hurt anyone/leave anyone out etc – but it’s that life lesson about knowing when enough is enough I guess. Oh, parenting can be so hard.

Seeker – shock I only wish I dare, but I am way too much of a coward. Thanks for spilling the beans though!

siiiiiiiiigh Tue 14-May-13 12:38:54

We use "so?"

As in:
"You've got a ponytail, they are stupid"
"So?"

"You're fat"
"So?"

"You've got new shoes"
"So?"

Came up with it after a similar situation with our,then 7 year old daughter. Just low grade nit picking, but it was really upsetting her.

We established that anyone as pass-remarkable as the little bitch girl was, clearly, an idiot.

So?

doesn't work on her dad, I've tried

siiiiiiiiigh Tue 14-May-13 12:39:52

doll drowning - keeping that one up my sleeve.

I have a knitting pattern for a voodoo doll, might keep that notion handy too....

wee girls can be utter fuckers. It's a stage. I hope.

thesecretmusicteacher Tue 14-May-13 13:03:50

well done!

I always fall back on "x still has a lot to learn about a, b and c".

It helps me resist the temptation to demonise the other child (tempting though it is......)

piratecat Tue 14-May-13 13:27:00

another girl just last year would not leave dd alone. (age 10 then)

'why are you wearing shorts'

cos i am

'why have you got a bad like that'

cos i have

'i hate you'

dd walks away.

my dd never wanted to tell even the classroom assistant of some quite nasty things this girl said, because of the attention it may bring and she was scared 'she' would be in trouble or that the bully would turn it round.

I said, look if she says something bad, rude or keeps on at you, then you quietly tell. If it's the truth, then you can be safe in the knowledge you are not just telling tales, but sticking up for yourself by getting support.

Do not be scared of someone mean.

piratecat Tue 14-May-13 13:27:50

erm 'bag'

nothing wrong with the shorts, bag, shoes or anything btw. this girl just couldnt find anything else to pick on!!

GooseyLoosey Tue 14-May-13 13:34:36

Seeker - I applaud you. We did something similar with ds's bully. No doll, but I used to tell him fairy stories every night which featured a magic octopus who lived in ds's head and who would do the most terrible things to the bully. As you say, it gives a sense of empowerment.

LittleMissLucy Tue 14-May-13 15:33:43

Innertiger, sounds like you made some really positive inroads, well done.

GlasgowParent Wed 15-May-13 10:35:28

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie: Thanks for your response. I totally understand about the age gap, it's just unfortunate that they all seem to want to play together (in the main) and the dynamics are 4,4,5,5,7 so there are similar ages to my daughter.

Will just keep an eye on it...

innertiger Wed 15-May-13 17:20:09

Thanks LittleMissLucy and thesecretmusicteacher smile I think we're making headway and I think she's feeling ever so slightly more brave.....onwards and upwards!

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