How do you know when you are being 'had'

[Nishky]

Dd (11) hurt her wrist a few years ago and had an X-ray. Now every little bump she is adamant she needs to go to minor injuries 8)

Tuesday afternoon her wrist gave way during a hand stand and she fell heavily on her shoulder. When I got there she had spent 40 minutes with ice pack on it.
We had the usual insistence that she had to go and when I tried to get her to move it she said she could not move it AT ALL because if the pain.

So we set off, as soon as we are in the car she is chatting and laughing with her brother- when I pointed this out she said she was putting a brave face on it. So it is of course soft tissue damage and funnily enough she had the full range of movement when the nurse tried. Sling given for support and calpol suggested

Yesterday morning she showed no sign of pain so I sent her to school- dh went to an assembly and she was in tears so he took some calpol in. When I picked her up her teacher said she seemed ok when distracted from it.

Last night I had to work at home during evening and she said it hurt so I gave calpol and she went on and on about needing an X-ray - she sat and wrote notes to no- one in particular saying 'please help me I need an X-ray'

At 10:00pm she was sobbing in bed saying it hurt so much- so we went back to minor injuries who gave a more supportive sling and said piggy back nurofen with calpol for inflammation

Oh and as soon as we got in the car there were no more tears and she started chatting about school

I decide if she needs that much medication then she can't go to school - so at 11:00 last night I had to contact colleagues to arrange for someone to cover my work. Some poor bastard will have a shit day today doing something they picked up at last minute and have not prepared.

My children obviously come first and normally I would not worry BUT this morning she announced she had NO pain whatsoever and could she go to school. When I said no she asked if she could play on the wii.

Work have sent me work to do at home and she will be doing SATS revision but I feel so crap that I may have put someone in a terrible position when perhaps not strictly necessary.

So sorry for length but I am pretty upset and would welcome any advice/ criticism/ suggestions on how to handle it differently

Thanks

[NeoMaxiZoomDweebie]

Well firstly I will share my own DD's habits re. illness. She's MASSIVELY dramatic. So a sore throat is a DISASTER and it's AGONY!!! However I know that ithin half an hour of my giving her a day off, she's running round laughing.

She gets a bit nauseous and she's DYING FROM IT!!! Your DD sounds similar...
I use my instinct OP....if you suspect DD is ok then she is...99% of the time you will be correct.

An injured shoulder isn't enough to stay off school with anyway....also she's 11 now and doesn't have to have calpol. She can have one paracetamol. I give my 8 year old that as it works better.

[Roshbegosh]

Not good for the work colleague you have landed in it. This is why some working with mothers can be a complete pain. Does your colleague think it reasonable to have this dumped on them because your DD has another wobbly? Does everyone have to carry you because you so wonderfully put DD first even though this is so trivial?

[anklebitersmum]

Am-dram children

I usually invent a wii/x-box competition or a trip to the park that we'll be "doing tomorrow if you're feeling better". That usually sorts out any 'hamming it up' quick smart.

Unless it's a chicken pox type illness time off school is always spent in bed. Either mine, with the telly or theirs with a book. No playing exciting stuff. Ill enough to be off school, ill enough for bed.

To be honest I can usually tell if they're having me at it and act accordingly

[neversaydie]

Perhaps you could divert her fascination with hospitals into more constructive channels? Maybe she wants to be a doctor when she grows up. Or a radiologist?

I would also strongly recommend toughening up on what she is allowed to do if off school for medical reasons. DS has to stay in bed, is on very dull invalid food, and the only permitted entertainment is reading. We still get the occasional bid for a day off school, but at least I am fairly sure that when it happens he really, really needs a quiet day!

[Nishky]

Rosh I don't know what your beef with working mothers is but this is the third time in 11 years I have had to put a colleague in this position and I did the same for someone who could not come in when their dog died.

I am fortunate enough to work in a supportive team where we carry each other. The person who I carried most often was someone without children who never managed to get through her workload. So not just a working mother issue thank you.

I will not apologise for putting my children before my job.

[Nishky]

Thanks for the tips never say die and ankle.

Neo I will try the paracetamol instead of calpol thanks

[ExBrightonBell]

Rosh, can I just point out to you that it is equally possible and likely that a working DAD might also have to take the day off like this....

[Nishky]

As my dh does more often than me ExBrighton. Thank you.

[Roshbegosh]

Equally likely? Really?

[NeoMaxiZoomDweebie]

Rosh do you have children? If not I suggest you don't come on a PARENTING forum and rip the piss out of us. It's not on and you know nothing of modern parenting either by the sound of it. In my children's school the school runs are about 50-50 Mums and Dads.

[Roshbegosh]

Yes I do and maybe you could think about your impact on colleagues when other people have to pick up the pieces and are supposed to understand when some trivial thing like this is going on. Genuine emergencies are one thing but this was clearly not in that category and her colleague was left, she says, in a terrible position. You are being defensive but think about it. This sort of behaviour does not help working mothers, although she has said in a later post it was not habitual. School runs might be 50-50 mums and dads, that's not the same thing.

[NeoMaxiZoomDweebie]

Well since I work for myself...no. I don't actually.

[Chandon]

Rosh, you are not very helpful and seem to have an axe to grind...

OP, it is a hard call, and sometimes as a parent one gets it wrong. I agree with the poster who says make sick days boring.

So, my DS is staying home today as he threw up three times yesterday evening. He may be feeling better today, or may not, eitehr way he is likely to want to stay home.

So, he can, but no TV, no ipod, just staying in bed, maybe reading. Plain food, no treats. You cannot make being poorly too much fun.

In your situation, don't fret. We all get it wrong sometimes. Last time I was being all tough, I had a call from the school at 9:15 saying DS had been sick. Sometimes you just don't know.

[lljkk]

Buy the work colleague(s) a nice bottle of wine.

DD has done the Amdrama "I think it's broken again!" thing since she broke her arm, too!! She is also 11. Broke it 3 months ago. Is it the age?

I have broken my own arms 3x and I tend to know the difference between bruising & broken. I completely ignore her. Last incident involved her lying postrate on dining room floor wailing for at least 10 minutes.

Here's a secret: you can wait at least 24 hours after a broken arm before treating it unless it's so bad that you yourself can see it needs immediate attention (imagine a compound fraction, fingers pointing at right angles from rest of arm, etc.) So I suggest do your best to ignore in future and tell her you'll try to remember to ask her about it later.

Oh, and hype up all the stuff she'll miss out on if it's broken again. Mine loves sport & swimming especially.

[lljkk]

Sometimes MN teaches me that I am wildly soft, other times I am very hard.
Lots of other broken arms among DD's peer group; DD is the only kid I know who went straight back to school post fracture. We didn't leave clinic until 2:40pm or I would have returned her to school same day, even. I went straight back to work or changing nappies when I broke my arm as an adult, don't see why being a kid gives time off. Most the other children with broken arms have had days, up to a week even, off school afterwards. I wouldn't allow time off unless my child was shrieking in pain non-stop or had to stay in hospital or the doctors actually said "Too risky to send her to school."

[DeWe]

It's partually knowing your dc.
If dd1 was crying in pain, I would be back at the Dr. very quickly. Because she's more likely to be telling me it didn't really hurt when it did.

If dd2 was crying in pain, I'd, unless there was other evidence, give her a dose of calpol and send her in.
Because she likes to milk any injury, real or imaginary, so if she's crying and saying it's painful, it probably is her making the most. If I was told that she was fine when distracted, I would be certain it was her making the most.

It is notable that dd1 went all through juniors without me even knowning there was a medical room. Dd2 frequently comes back clutching a sick bag or with a "bumped my head" sticker. I don't think she is more ill than dd1, just likes the attention that goes with it, whereas dd1 hates that sort of attention.

I wouldn't be taking them to be checked out unless it was obviously broken, causing pain over a period of time including stopping them from sleeping, swollen, clearly non functioning after they have got over the initial shock of the accident. I've not missed a real injury yet.

You might like to tell her that too many x-rays can cause other issues, so they won't do them unless they have to.

[Nishky]

Thanks for the replies - all helpful!

I do think we need to break the 'its hurt I need to see someone cycle' so the 24 hours thing is a good idea- thanks for that.

Funnily enough her dad thought she should stay off today and he is way harder than me! I have sent her in- I am not at work today so can get her in 5 minutes if necessary.

Thanks again for the views

[Nishky]

Oh and to Rosh - I have just remembers one of the three occasions was because I had a migraine, not child related, so this is second time in 11 years with two children.

I still am not sure whether the day off was not fully justified - she did seem to be very sore all down her arm- when I wrenched the muscles in my leg the first few days were extremely painful.

[Nishky]

Dewe- we did have the X-ray conversation - she then started panicking about the two she has had, so that may have done the trick on that score!

[kimmills222]

Understanding kids is very difficult. I would also say, just like already said by a poster in the thread, make the off days boring- no TV and no treats. This would discourage the kids from stying at home.

[Nishky]

right- next issue

dd has horse riding tonight, basically she has not had any painkillers or even mentioned her arm since the weekend- and was playing on a swing on Saturday and has done PE

I have explained to her the risk that if her arm isnt fully healed and it is aggravated during the lesson then there is a risk of not riding for a few weeks

I said only she can say how it feels- she said she wants to go

also she helps out at the stables all day on Saturdays- I have said if arm hurts don't go at all if not go for a half day to ease yourself into it

dh has tried to tell her not to go tonight and that she should not go at all tomorrow

he has cited SATS as the reason they start next week

now my view is that she has to learn to make these judgment calls herself and in any event it may be better to do something to distract herself- she has done at least 30 mins revision homework every day this week

am I being a little influenced by
a) I don't agree with SATS and therefore do not want her put under undue pressure and therefore do not take them seriously
b) I am not convinced of the severity of the injury in the first place

am I being unreasonable and careless with my daughter's health?

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

The joys of parenthood! I'm not medical so bottom line was, "If in doubt check it out". My friends who were in that line of work incidentally were the hardest hearted and most sceptical.

I found a good tactic was "Oh well that's a shame you were so looking forward to {X} and now you'll miss it".

Whether or not you agree with SATS your DD has been pulling your puppet strings and you either allow her freedom to 'make judgment calls' re: revision/pastimes/health matters or you exercise your best judgment and teach her with freedom comes responsibility. As she matures she gets to be more independent but you show her actions have consequences.

Have been a SAHM so did that make me a soft touch, no, when it came to swinging the lead I was brusque and firm. As they start high school our DCs are back to being tiny fish in a big pond. They might swagger at home a bit and there'll be a broader range of peers to emulate so a bumper crop of fresh challenges.

Now is the time to step up a gear and figure out an ostensibly 'hands-off' yet subtly supportive parental safety net.

[DeWe]

As she hasn't mentioned it, I'd assume it was fine.
If she'd still been moaning about it, then I'd have told her she couldn't go. Helping her next time to decide whether it was worth moaning about it, if she then had to miss things she enjoyed.

[Nishky]

Thank you Donkey and DeWe

It's funny isn't how you think it is tough when they are babies/ toddlers/ pre-school and then the challenges just become different.

[cory]

Very hard to know. Children are so different: dd is a bit of a drama queen, ds is a stoic. My db was very anxious, I was the kind who would hide behind the sofa rather than let anyone know I was ill or in pain.

Having said that, my dc both have a quite genuine connective tissue disorder which undeniably means that ordinary actions cause them a lot more pain than they should.

Funnily enough, this doesn't really make parenting any easier: dd still has to learn to manage her pain and not give up. But the arguments become slightly different: it is no longer about whether she is in pain or not (that is undeniable, I'm afraid) but whether she is taking responsibility for managing it.

I've made mistakes both ways: there have certainly been times when I have made her condition worse by forcing her to push against the pain and other times and there may well have been other times when I have let her off that I shouldn't.

My parents were probably a bit harsh with db once or twice precisly because they got so irritated with his dramas; otoh they might just have done something about my pneumonia a little sooner if I hadn't displayed such a beautifully stiff upper lip.

I think the moral is, as a parent you won't get it right every single time, you can only do your best.

If only all children could be like ds: if he is too ill to go to school he will inform me of the fact and I will know his assessment is accurate: when he feels well enough to go he will get up and do so. And he doesn't even particularly like school.