Please please help me with dd' (12) behaviour

(97 Posts)
Sonnet Wed 24-Apr-13 21:13:05

Please help, I don't know where to turn.

I have a stroppy spoilt bad tempered 12 year old. She continually demands and then has temper tantrums of huge proportions when she dosn't get her own way. The whole family walk on egg shells around her. Every weekend and most evenings descend in to caos with DH and I falling out over it all. She refuses to do homework, and when she does it is a scrappy affair.

I can't go on like this, I just want to run away.

Sonnet Wed 24-Apr-13 21:13:58

No sanctions work except her phone which she has not had fir 2 days now.

Sonnet Wed 24-Apr-13 21:17:48

I have never had these problems with dd1 who is 16. I am so tired I just want to sleep. Everything is a battle, honestly everything. She breaks every school uniform rule going, she looks a mess but gets away with it. Other parents judge me, they ask me why I let her go to school in make up, skirt rolled up, hair all piled on her head and messy etc.. It is a battle I am scared to have,

MzPixielated Wed 24-Apr-13 21:28:31

Hey not much help but sending unmumsnetty huge and thanks xxx hopefully someone with more experience will be along soon x

TobyLerone Wed 24-Apr-13 21:31:40

I feel your pain. Mine is sometimes the same. And sometimes she's a delight.

I'd tell the judgy parents to fuck off, though, for a start.

drjohnsonscat Wed 24-Apr-13 21:38:08

You all sound scared of her. That's your starting point isn't it.? Terrifying for a child to know the walls around them are even weaker than they are.

I would say virtually all girls roll their skirts up. Even the ones with judgey parents, they just wait until they are out of sight of home before they do it.

Relax about make-up. If its OTT the school will send her to the loo with a wet wipe, I'm sure.

All the nagging in the world will not get homework done. Or if it is, the homework will be done in bad grace. Do not nag, do stress, do not row over homework. If it is not done she will get a detention, let her.

Why are you letting other parents judge you? Give'em the old 'did you mean to be so rude' treatment wink

Whoops. That should be do not stress blush

TobyLerone Wed 24-Apr-13 21:45:20

Both of my childrens' secondary schools say that it is the pupil's responsibility to ensure that homework is done, and that they will punish accordingly if it's not.

Sonnet Wed 24-Apr-13 21:48:52

Drjohnsonscat, so true I am scared of her

baskingseals Wed 24-Apr-13 21:51:28

Sonnet - what are you scared of?

TobyLerone Wed 24-Apr-13 21:59:29

They're like dogs. They can sense fear.

Sonnet Wed 24-Apr-13 21:59:42

She has a few learning issues, poor working memory and slow processing, she is scared of homework.

I feel so judged as I have the child that the other parents roll there eyes at.

The situation is getting worse despite trying. I am reading calmer happier patenting.

My stomach churns at the end of the school day. Most days she demands. Today she demanded we go to top shop to get her some sunglasses. We didn't go. The fall out was horrific, she shouted and screamed all the way home, hitting me whilst I was driving. I took her phone off her. She calmed down a little and started helping herself to food whilst I was cooking a meal. She then did not eat much. After asking her 4 times she eventually settled to do her homework which was to finish a speech she us to give tomorrow in English. She dosn't know it or is bothered by it. Teachers think she is not very bright. She may or may not get told off she dosn't care. She kicked off again when I suggested I help her go over it. She shouts screams pushes and shoves. I sent her to bed. She said no. I have come to bed. I am so scared of her and I don't know what to do. Poor dd1 is trying to revise for her gcse's

TobyLerone Wed 24-Apr-13 22:01:13

Your husband needs to support you more, for a start. Is he her dad? You need to show a united front.

Sonnet Wed 24-Apr-13 22:02:05

I scared of her kicking off. She goes on and on. Even when I explained we couldn't go to top shop (shut by the time we got there ) she just dosn't accept it. I
She is so rude, she swears at me and calls me names.

drjohnsonscat Wed 24-Apr-13 22:05:02

Sonnet sounds like you need help. Situation sounds awful but you first need to reestablish emotional control. If you avoid her through fear you are all lost.

I don't know what the right steps are for DD. but I do know that you must get back in charge of your household even if you don't know what to do for the best. Forget other parents. You only care about you and your family.

Dd sounds v unhappy re school and learning problems. Her being able to wreck your home life will only make her more unhappy.

Sonnet Wed 24-Apr-13 22:05:39

He gets angry with her and then directs his anger to me. He told me tonight I was pathetic at dealing with her. He manhandled her to her room where she stayed but she is still shouting and screaming now. She will be bad tempered tomorrow morning and make us all late as she will insist on shower hair wash and make up yet refuse to get out of bed. She refuses to have breakfast or even a drink. She often goes 12 hours without drinking.

Sonnet Wed 24-Apr-13 22:07:04

How do I get back in charge?
Honestly I have tried so many times. I don't have the fight left. I am here for dd1

Sonnet Wed 24-Apr-13 22:09:44

When she kicks off I need to ignore and not get drawn in to justifying the situation.
Easier said than done as it goes on so so long

drjohnsonscat Wed 24-Apr-13 22:11:44

First of all you can't say you don't have the fight left. Unless you mean it and you think she should go to foster care. Otherwise this is for you and DH to manage by getting support etc. are you in touch with GPs , school, mental health services?

baskingseals Wed 24-Apr-13 22:13:53

You have to stay calm, even if your heart is racing and you feel awful inside.

When she is calm, can you talk to her about how her behaviour is affecting you?

It is NOT okay for her to shout and swear at you.

baskingseals Wed 24-Apr-13 22:17:53

You are right. You need to ignore her.
But it is so much easier said than done.

bigbuttons Wed 24-Apr-13 22:21:51

Try and think of each interaction initiated by her as a dance ( I read this in a great parenting book). She kicks off " shall we dance mum?" and you then dance. Don't dance.

Sonnet Wed 24-Apr-13 22:23:08

No, I am not in touch with anybody, can my gp help?
I think I need to make an appointment at school too.

I have had many conversations with her when calm. About her behaviour and what our expectations are. She is always in agreement until the next time. I admit I avoid situations where I know she will kick off.
I have bribed her, but that has resulted in one spoilt child.

If I don't respond it is because DH is annoyed I am on my phone sad

RubyDanglesBangle Wed 24-Apr-13 22:23:41

You do need to ignore the behaviour, and I know this is much easier to type than actually do in RL. But if you manage it, it does work.
Let her kick off, give her the punishment, insist on it, and walk away to do something else. It's your attention she's feeding off.

Oh, and look up MaryZ on the teenager boards. Shes got great advice.

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