Another child bit my child

(146 Posts)
bordellosboheme Mon 22-Apr-13 11:48:38

Hard on the finger. It has swollen up and is purple. My ds is 17 months and the offender is 6 months older and is a serial offender... Ds is such a gentle soul. I feel pissed off.... Talk to me please and help me feel better......

EldritchCleavage Mon 22-Apr-13 13:29:53

It's awful for your child and you, but please try not to demonise the other child as 'having issues' or compare him/her to a dangerous dog. At 23 months, there may well be issues, but equally the child may well also just be a perfectly nice little kid going through an unfortunate phase (as yours may do in time).

My lovely niece was a hitter for a bit, despite her mother's vigilance and sensible discipline. It was very hard for a while, but fortunately she has got out of it. If any of her friends' parents had just written her off as violent they and their children would have missed out on knowing a delightful child.

bordellosboheme Mon 22-Apr-13 13:33:00

Gondeafinoneear... Thanks for your post, I will check out previous threads

kerala Mon 22-Apr-13 13:37:38

Agree with Eldritch she is so right. It is upsetting but honestly it is a phase. It is almost certain that at some point your "gentle" child will lamp or bite another child. I have two notoriously "good" little girls, DD1 was bitten on the face at a library by a strangers child when she was the same age as yours. I was really quite upset and thought the same things you are thinking now. Then DD1 herself went through a hitting stage blush, I was mortified. DD2 always beautifully behaved but once bit a child at playgroup (I didnt see it I was serving teas) again I was mortified but as a second time mother you have abit more perspective. As long as the parent deals with it appropriately and firmly says no I really wouldnt build it up or demonise the other toddler.

Both my girls and their hitting and biting toddler peers are now all 6 and 4 and would no more hit or bite than I would x

PrincessScrumpy Mon 22-Apr-13 13:38:33

Dtd1 is a biter - usually her twin but I did catch her biting a 3yo boy once (she was 17mo and he was trying to drag her head first out of a toy car). Dd1 has also been bitten at nursery by another child. My other 2 DC have never - to my knowledge - bitten.
I would only be pissed off if parent failed to act.
My brother had a friend who hit him every week at play group and the mother did nothing.. Until he hit back then she complained my brother her her dc. surprised a doctor was necessary!

An anti-social 23 month old.

Priceless OP, absolutely priceless.

PrincessScrumpy Mon 22-Apr-13 13:44:46

Oh my word... Just read more. Describing a toddler as anti social?! Words fail me.

bordellosboheme Mon 22-Apr-13 13:48:09

Thanks Erdrich and others. I will try not to demonise the child... The mum really didn't deal with it that well. She didn't shout at her child or even change her tone to a firm, no nonsense one. she indulges her child quite a lot and doesn't 'notice' when her child does something wrong, but is quick to tell off other kids...

Other people have described her child as a loner... I would certainly never use such terms as i think thats harsh, But she certainly never plays well with others.

I'm sure, as others have said, it is a phase and it will pass.... It's just as a first time mum and it's never happened before, it came as a shock......

IwishIwasmoreorganised Mon 22-Apr-13 13:49:04

So calling a child a loner is harsh, but calling them antisocial and comparing them to a dog is ok? hmm

Kewcumber Mon 22-Apr-13 13:51:38

Its really not unusual.

Though breaking the skin is highly unusual (most toddlers don't have teeth designed for cutting though skin like a dog) and should of course be cleaned if the skin is broken and treated the same as you would any cut in a small child .

Biting in toddlerhood isn't a sign of a child with issues. And yes if you are the parent of a biter you do need to pay special care to intervene quickly.

Unless the biter is school age or the parent isn't intervening at all, I wouldn't worry overly about it certainly not enough to lose friends over.

bordellosboheme Mon 22-Apr-13 13:53:02

When I used the term antisocial I was referring to klous post and the 4 year old she was talking about...

Kewcumber Mon 22-Apr-13 13:54:00

If the mother isn't intervening - you'd be better off saying to her "I know lots of children go through a biting phase but if you're not seen to intervene and try to stop him then people will start avoiding going out with you". Will have far more effect than fell all huffy about it privately.

racmun Mon 22-Apr-13 13:54:50

My son will bite if provoked. He's not much of a talker so whilst he won't usually instigate an incident if somebody snatches something from him he will try and bite their hand instead of coming over and saying so and so did this etc. he bit somebody at preschool last week and his key worker said it is part of growing up!

As a parent it is mortifying I watch him like a hawk but its always when I turn my head for 10 seconds that something happens. I've been in tears myself, other mothers can be very bitchy. I also apologise profusely and really do chastise my son for biting or going to bite. Implying that a child has issues though is a bit harsh I have never been aggressive with my son or anything like that but as the mother of a biter you feel as though the other mothers are questioning what goes on at home.

I think much depends on the mother's reaction as to whether you think she is genuinely concerned at her son's behaviour but maybe cut her some slack as I am sure she is embarrassed.

OP, lots of 23 months old are still learning how to play with or without other children.
Some are already quite competent and "social", others just aren't yet. Some prefer to play on their own. Others still have the attention span of an ant. It's really too early to say, little children need time.

thewarmestowl Mon 22-Apr-13 14:09:27

OP, I am sorry that your child was bitten. However your expectations of a 23 month old are unrealistically high. Although undesirable, at this age biting is normal. Similarly many children aren't that interested in other children at this age.

My DS1 bit, and was bitten, a few times at around this age. He is now a gentle and well behaved four year old, as are the children who bit him. Fortunately we didn't write them off aged 2 as being unsuitable company, and luckily nobody did this to us either. It happens; by all means get wound up by the parent of the biter failing to deal with it, but please don't be so down on the child. It's really not nice, and I doubt that your DC will have polished social skills at 23 months.

thewarmestowl Mon 22-Apr-13 14:15:34

PS DS1's nursery advised making an enormous fuss of the child who was bitten, and basically ignoring the biter (after firmly telling them that biting is wrong). This seemed to work well. We also bought a book called "Teeth are Not for Biting" which got the point across to a 2 year old DS1 pretty effectively - are you close enough to the biter's parents to suggest this?

bordellosboheme Mon 22-Apr-13 14:40:10

Thewarmestowl.... That is great advice. I see her at play group a lot so perhaps I can find a way to suggest this.... Or buy her a copy of that for her upcoming birthday wink

showtunesgirl Mon 22-Apr-13 14:55:01

OP, you ARE joking aren't you? shock

GoblinGranny Mon 22-Apr-13 15:05:05

I had a biter and a hitter. I was very vigilant. smile
Worst thing my biter did was gnaw on a friend's very, very expensive designer shoes whilst she was wearing them.

bordellosboheme Mon 22-Apr-13 15:05:56

About the birthday book? Yes I'm joking... Tbh I would love to have the guts to do it for real though

kerala Mon 22-Apr-13 15:10:08

I hate to say it OP but there will, there really will, come a day when the boot is on the other foot and your child hurts someone elses PFB...

bordellosboheme Mon 22-Apr-13 15:23:55

God I'm new to all this. I'm surprised there are not more parental punch ups.... It's all a bit mad isn't it.... This child on child biting and hitting..... It's a minefield

showtunesgirl Mon 22-Apr-13 15:30:38

OP, they do it because of many reasons, frustration, boredom, even strangely enough affection!

I read up on it when my DD went to her CM as in her handbook she had a policy on biting. I figured that if she had a policy, there must be a reason eg it must be common so I did some reading up on it.

MiaSparrow Mon 22-Apr-13 15:48:49

Hi OP, I'm not going to jump on the bandwagon and tell you you're over-reacting because I'm sure you've heard that enough! But I really think there's a massive difference between a 17mo and a 23 (ie nearly terrible 2) month old. DD too was a 'gentle soul' at that age - they all are. But then they change, big time!

Mine was shoved around in the playground by older kids, and that couldn't be helped but in terms of playdates, etc we only really hung out with babies of the same age and so we didn't really have those concerns. And when they did all reach two together there was (and still is) this unwritten rule that says if your kid bites another you tell them off sternly and make them go up to the child and apologise, audibly in front of the other parent. And the other parent accepts the apology (Doctors visit or not) and moves on in the knowledge that her child will do exactly the same.

Are you very good friends with the other mother? Could you not just leave these visits until your LO is a bit older and your mogwi has turned into a gremlin too?

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie Mon 22-Apr-13 16:10:57

OP myself..and my family take great delight in the fact that my 5 year old DDs bst friend in reception was her nemesis in pre school. X used to push my DD off equipment...she bit her once too.

She was just 3.

She wanted to be DDs friend but didn't know how....that was her way of instigating contact. We laugh about how poor DD came home with so many tales of X Jones and what she'd done.

So much changes so fast...

tiggyhop Mon 22-Apr-13 16:23:05

For those with biters can I pass on some really helpful advice that I was given when my then 15 month old DD was biting - ignore the biter, huge fuss of the bitee. She was biting her brother and I was doing the opposite, chastising her and leaving poor DS while I told DD off. Once I switched this round, she stopped biting within 3 weeks. Just thought that might help someone.

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