Anyone else got a difficult 15 month old? Feel like I am constantly waiting for the magic turning point.

(20 Posts)
2BoysAndNoMore Mon 08-Apr-13 20:36:28

Hi,

I realise I am just ranting but I need to vent. DS2 has always been a hard work high maintenance little baby. He cried constantly. Won't bore you all with the details but we've been to cranial osteopath, GPs, Paediatrician, tried reflux medicine, he is on dairy free diet because the only other thing the doctor could think of was intolerance to milk.

Anyway, bottom line is, it feels like he hasn't really stopped crying since he was born! I know it can't be the case but it FEELS that way sometimes.

He can smile, then cry within seconds. He whinges for nothing, literally as he's crawling he will just be crawling around moaning and crying. He is VERY clingy to DH, when he's home from work he will not let him out his sight and even cries and screams if I try and take him which makes me feel terrible. I have been in tears tonight because it just feels like he is never ever happy.

He cries and whinges sometimes just if you look at him. He hates other people holding him and won't go to anyone but me or preferably DH.

I just feel awful for writing this but he has impacted so badly on DS1 (age 5) that I sometimes regret having him. I feel so so guilty for even thinking this. Please don't hate me. I feel like I don't know how to handle him and I am just so sad at the moment.

He cries in his high chair sometimes, doesn't eat well although he used to but now gets frustrated when I feed him but can't really feed himself well enough with a spoon but finger foods end up being thrown on the floor. Tea times are just awful with him crying yet he won't even eat on the floor as he just crawls off and leaves the food.

I am at a loss as what to do. Everything seems to be an issue with him. I am exhausted and rambling I know.

He is so moody and you can never tell when he'll go into crying mode so going anywhere with him is awful.

He's under paediatrician who thinks he is hypermobile (he's not walking and only just started pulling up on furniture) so he's going to physio thereapy but he hates the lady coming near him and screams every time she touches him even though she's not hurting him.

I think he is frustrated at not walking and only has 6 words so is possible annoyed at not being able to communicate well.

I don't even know why I am writing this. I don't even think it will ever get better but if it wasn't for DS1 I wouldn't want to carry on. I can not cope like this any more. Any family day out we have inevitabley ends with DS2 whinging or screaming. I can not do this anymore but I don't know what do or who to turn to.

MsPickle Mon 08-Apr-13 20:40:37

Oh you poor poor person. I don't know if I've anything constructive but I couldn't read and run. Nothing in your post sounds remotely deserving of hate, you've had a rotten time and have clearly tried many many routes to help him.

With dinner time, is he any better if you have music or tv on? Apart from your dh does anything distract or comfort him? Perhaps the MN crowd can use those as a spring board for new ideas?

2BoysAndNoMore Mon 08-Apr-13 20:48:08

Thank you. I feel so horrible for feeling the way I feel. I hate that I can't seem to please him. He is just so unhappy constantly. He will be settled/ distracted for a few minutes, then he'll make his whingy noises and start to cry. My friend's baby is 2 weeks younger than him and I know people say not to compare but it's shocking the difference betwen them. She rarely cries, is sociable, happy. He just glares at people and screams if they get too close. I honestly think I must be doing something wrong. I try so hard to split myself between the 2 boys and I adore them both. I LOVE spending time with DS1, he really genuinely is my best friend. I love everything he does and says, even when he's acting like a monkey I see nothing but good in him. I just feel so guilty because I don't see that in DS1. I try to. I look at him, read to him, play with him, kiss him and he looks up and cries at me and it just feels like such a waste of time and energy.

2BoysAndNoMore Mon 08-Apr-13 20:49:04

sorry don't see that in DS2

MsPickle Mon 08-Apr-13 20:57:00

It sounds exhausting on all levels and really hard on you all. How much support do you all have in RL?. I've read other people on here talking about sensory overload, do you think he genuinely just finds it all too much? How is ds1 with him?

2BoysAndNoMore Mon 08-Apr-13 21:08:07

No support at all to be honest. I have friends but they all have their own babies and children. DH is amazing, works very hard and is extremely good with both the boys. Don't have any family. DS1 is actually very good and understanding with DS2. He's very patient but has been now to just shout 'SHUT UP!' to DS2 when he's whinging for the millionth time but you can't blame him I suppose. He had a lovely calm home with calm patient parents before DS2 came along and now it all just feels a bit too much and we're spread too thinly.

I don't know if he finds it all too much to be honest. He seems bored and wants more stimulation. He cries either way to be honest. Thank you for the suggestion though. It's nice to be able to actually admit how hard it is.

TheAccidentalExhibitionist Mon 08-Apr-13 21:12:31

You poor thing, my DS was like this. Without boring you with the details, he got easier and happier as he got older. In my DS case it was sensory overload, plus the need to control his environment, as he got more mobile and more able to control his environment, he got happier. We made sure we concentrated on giving him what he wanted and needed.
He also was very attached to my DH, more to him than to me it seemed. I felt like a failure. It has evened out as he has got older.
I felt quite mentally scarred, my DH and I used to tag team being with him because we found it so difficult.
I didn't mean to make this about me but I wanted to show that it does get easier.
I agree that having an unsettled DC like this is miles from havng a settled and easy child, it's a totally different experience.
You have my sympathy.

2BoysAndNoMore Mon 08-Apr-13 21:15:38

Thanks Accidental. Do you think we'll ever get over this experience? I feel scarred too. On edge all the time and just worry how the hell I will get through the dy and make it to bedtime. Everyday I feel like I am treading water just trying not to drown but not getting any enjoyment out of it. How old was your DC when they grew out of it? Is there any survival tips you can offer? Thank you again.

chocolatecrispies Mon 08-Apr-13 21:26:08

My son was like this too, he is now nearly 5 and I think he has sensory processing disorder. What really helped us was working out what he found difficult (nearly everything) and changing our life to accommodate it. He was happiest near me so we co-slept and I carried him in a sling until he was 2.5, even in the house sometimes. He had trouble with transitions, noise, light, other people, textures, clothes and much more. He never played independently until we got an ipad. Have you read The Highly Sensitive Child or the Out of Sync child? I found them helpful as well as How To Raise your Spirited Child. It is a completely different experience to my dd (she is 22 months) and no one else seemed to understand. I found it really useful to remind myself that the problem is that he finds life difficult, not that he is difficult.

2BoysAndNoMore Mon 08-Apr-13 21:29:45

What can I do to help him if this is the case chocolate? I just need to feel like I am 'doing' something and I need o help him and make our lives good again. Is there anything I can do to get a diagnosis? I just feel like I am banging my head against a brick wall!

TheAccidentalExhibitionist Mon 08-Apr-13 21:30:31

I can't say he grew out of it unfortunately but it's gradually got easier. I am very hesitant to write this but my DS has ADHD and ASD.

PLEASE don't think this means that your DS has too, I'm not saying that but some DC are more sensitive to their environment than others, some DC find babyhood very difficult.

What did we do to cope?
Listened to the whinge and try and figure it out, as you have done.
Given him what we thought he wanted (it gets easier to do that the more verbal they get).
Plenty of positive reinforcement when he didn't cry.
Distraction techniques to help him forget the whinge.
Routine, routine, routine. We are not routine types but we found it helped.
If I had his babyhood again I would have tried to give him less carbs and more protein, as that seems to help.

At this age TBH you just have to ride it out and ensure everyone else gets proper time out regularly. That is the most important thing I can advise. I put my DS into nursery 2 days a week to have a break and it worked wonders for all of us. I felt refreshed and able to carry on.

Times continue to be hard for us BUT nothing was ever as hard as when he was like this as a baby. Any challenge pales into insignificance.

TheAccidentalExhibitionist Mon 08-Apr-13 21:37:33

Good advice chocolate to get those books.

Thinking about it a bit more and reading your post above chocolate, we did those things too and they did help.
We found that controlling his enviroment helped, for instance, he needed lots of stimulation and couldn't be out down but was distressed by so many things it was hard to know what to do with him.
One thing that worked a treat was taking him out in a baby carrier and walking in the countryside. Stimulation but without too much noise, a peaceful but safely interesting environment. It ended up being a highlight of his babyhood and is one of our happier memories.

TheAccidentalExhibitionist Mon 08-Apr-13 21:41:47

2boys use your health visitors and your paediatrician, stay in regular contact with them. Ask them about his developmental markers. Keep up the pressure to find answers.

Do lots and lots of research, keep notes.

Get to understand what he finds difficult and then make adjustments to help him.

2BoysAndNoMore Mon 08-Apr-13 21:52:30

I can not thank you enough for not judging me and for all your tips and suggestions. I just feel so worn down by it now. I kept thinking he'd be better by 6 months, better by 9 months, better by 12 months and he's still miserable!

I am not actually scared by you mentioning your DS has ADHD and ASD as to be honest these things have already crossed my mind. I just think after so much worrying and stress that a diagnosis would almost put my mind at rest which sound horrible. I know it's far too early to tell but I really wouldn't be surprised if DS2 has some sensory disorder or ASD. It's sad but at least we could deal with it, work out ways to hekp him and make all our lives bearable. At the moment it just feels like we're waiting for anwers and noone can give us them.

TheAccidentalExhibitionist Tue 09-Apr-13 07:33:17

Your DS may find life quite overwhelming and frightening.
Keep a diary of things that stop him crying, settle him, distract him, disturb him, make him cry. The more records yu keep now the earlier you may get answers. Don't be fobbed off by your GP, if you think there is a problem, push for referrals and assessments.

Your son way well get happier once he can move around independently. My DS was less frustrated and at times contented once he could walk.

Bumpsadaisie Wed 10-Apr-13 11:56:51

A good friend had a DD who was just very miserable and demanding until she got properly walking and into the toddler stage proper (18 mths plus).

The transformation was incredible. She just turned into this happy little soul, always pottering about, very independent and amusing herself. She is like a different child. Think she just hated being a baby, so dependent and immobile.

15 mths is a difficult age anyway. My son is getting on for 18 months now and I have found the last few months HARD, and my son isn't even particularly grumpy. He seems to be just turning a corner now, becoming a little boy, less clingy, more independent and just more fun generally. Yesterday I was just staring at him with tears in my eyes thinking how fab he was. Then I realised it has been a while since I have felt like that about him!

When you have an older DC too it all spirals downhill - when DC2 is being challenging it all goes pearshaped with the eldest too as they miss out and get fed up.

Not much advice really but cling on to the fact that your DS2 won't be like this forever; if I were you I would try to hang in there, try your best to meet his needs and supporting him as best you can despite him being challenging, and make sure you get a break if you feel you are going mad.

Housewren Wed 10-Apr-13 18:00:37

My was hard work for the first 7mths then we discovered he had a problem eating soya and gluten, (not coeliac disease though) and soybean oil is in all baby formulas that are available to buy in shops, I live in the US (moving home in 2 weeks) at first we tried the omeprazole medicine for reflux as he had silent reflux, acid bobbing around out of stomach but no vomiting, but this did not help much, so with advice from friends and help from family in England i managed to import formula from Germany, Humana HN is soya and gluten free, we also had some baby gaviscon sent over, these helped tremendously and he was a completely different baby after a few days. I am keeping him off all soya and gluten products for the time being. We had skin allergy testing done but everything came back negative but his reaction on and off soy and gluten was too significant to ignore.
So my advice is to consider eliminating certain foods, perhaps consider trying this German formula or look online for a formula that is broken down I think it is called elemental formular or something as the ingredients are broken down so the body can't react to them, Hipp organically also do a milk for 6mths onwards that is soya and gluten free

Housewren Wed 10-Apr-13 18:05:51

Having a baby that cries so much is hard on any family, I found that talking and being honest about how I felt like I was failing etc helped hubby to understand that i was having a hard time too. You will get through this and it really does not last forever, I am 8000 miles from home with no family and have minimal support locally and had a terrible doctor for these first 7 months but you find strength where you thought you had none, just asking for help here is a sign that you still have some strength and determination left to continue being a wonderful mother to your children, xx

Housewren Wed 10-Apr-13 18:15:02

K just read that yours is 15mth, sorry got distracted by my son trying to pull the vacuum over, so your son is really too old for formula but definitely try eliminating certain foods, x

Sunshine200 Wed 10-Apr-13 19:17:50

Hi. I'm afraid I can't offer any more helpful advice than the posters above have. Just want to say you are not alone. My dd is 18 months and I've always thought there was something not right because of how hard work she is. I look at other toddlers so chilled out and content and worry. I have however googled a lot and ended up diagnosing her with most things! I now think she has sensory overload (may mention this to my Hv - but the doctor once told me she has 'pain in the arse itis'!) honestly!
She has got easier over the last couple of months now she is communicating a little better, so hang in there.

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