She has 2 dds 8 and 4 I have one dd 8. My dd does not want the younger dd playing in her room as the younger one pulls all toys out stamps on things, has been known to break things because of this, although not deliberate but as a result of just pulling everything out and walking on toys on the floor. Generally there is a massive mess left that my dd finds very overwhelming to clean up once they leave and no attempt is made by them or their mum to tidy up.
I would instigate a tidy up time before they left that would just descend into a screaming battle with her children and she would rush off embarrassed.
So the last few visits my dd has insisted that the younger child does not go in her room, so I get my dd to leave some toys downstairs for younger dc to play with or ensure she gets toys out for her when she comes. On the last visit the DC refused to put toys in box and ended up throwing my dds toys around living room and spitting them from her mouth in protest. So today dd decided she would leave toys out for her rather than her chose her favourite things as she doesn't want her things treated like this.
I explained to dd that is fair enough and reminded her that if she plays in room with older child to be discreet, however they ended up not playing in her room anyway. However the younger child asked dd several times if she could go to her room and my dd said no. The child went up there anyway and her mum ignored this several times and I went up and told her nicely she needs to come down and play with the toys downstairs. This went on continuously whilst her mum ignored her, she ended up laying in my hallway kicking the crap out of my bedroom door. Dd went up to get something and there ended up a bit of a situation where the older sister pushed the younger one in dds room and dd got upset and pulled her out. Still their mum done nothing so I went upstairs and got all dcs down, apart from younger one who was at this point having a full on melt down, for which I feel really guilty and a bit mean that this resulted. I did tell dd off for pulling her around and that she should get an adult to intervene but she then started crying and generally saying it was unfair that her mum just left her upstairs.
I feel really mean about the whole thing but also think my dd should be able to not have her toys and room disrespected to this extent. So was I mean and unfair and can I handle this better in the future?
Also reading back from suggestions here it has just dawned on me that I rarely get an invite to her house. She often contacts me and arranges to come here. She is a SAHM so maybe she prefers to get out to socialise. But there was often a mix of her inviting us over and me inviting them over but lately she seems to just assume they will come here.