Help! DS2 being born tomorrow, very clingy toddler - can't stop crying and worrying...

(22 Posts)
RubyrooUK Tue 12-Mar-13 17:43:20

Please be nice to me...I'm having a hormonal cry.

I'm 40 weeks pregnant with DS2 and have to go in for a c-section tomorrow.

My DS1 is two and a half and for the past couple of months has been intensely clingy. He actually appears to be trying to get back in my belly himself at the moment. He wants to be hugged all the time, can't do anything without sitting on me, cries when I get up even to get him a snack and is generally dedicated to me. He plays out "mummy and DS cuddling" with all his toys. He smothers me in kisses. He has happily let DH and I share bedtimes for the last year but now weeps and weeps and weeps if it's not me. He keeps saying he is sorry the whole time even though I reassure him constantly.

I am quite sure he realises that something is happening along the right lines (everyone keeps talking about me having a baby and he is pretty on the ball) so is just insecure and anxious about it.

But how can I make him less insecure? I am dreading being away from him in hospital because I feel he will be so upset. I am finding it hard to feel any joy about holding my new baby tomorrow because I'm so scared that DS1 will be unhappy and upset without me (bear in mind that normally I work full time and he is quite accepting of that).

Any good ways of handling it? I've read lots of 'Big Brother' books to him, the baby has bought him lots of presents, I'm taking illicit junk food to hospital for him to eat when he visits....

...any other ideas on making him happy in the very short term while I'm in hospital and recovering from a section?

(I don't feel long term guilty about giving him a sibling as both DH and I love having brothers and sisters, but am feeling very very short term guilty and can't stop crying.)

Thank you!!!

3littlefrogs Tue 12-Mar-13 17:53:32

I do know how you feel. I had HG all through my second pregnancy and my poor toddler had a horrendous time and became very clingy.

You know what though? I honestly think, looking back, it was the fact that I was stressed, ill and anxious that was making him upset. Once his brother was born, and I began to to feel better and more cheerful, he began to feel better too.

The new baby brought his big brother a fabulous present, something DS1 really wanted, and we made a big deal of how his new baby brother had brought it specially for him.

I involved Ds1 in all aspects of caring for DS2, constantly telling him how helpful and good he was being, how much his little brother enjoyed watching him etc. He had his moments of being a bit jealous, but most of the time he was fine.

Please try and paste a smile on your face - your tears will be far more worrying for your little one than his new sibling will ever be. Enlist all the help you can to begin with and I am sure you will be fine.

My boys are 2 years apart and they are the best of friends now.

RubyrooUK Tue 12-Mar-13 18:13:04

Thanks 3littlefrogs - I think you are dead right about the anticipation being worse than reality.

I've tried to be super chilled and not at all anxious in front of DS, in fact I've been very silly and lighthearted, but there are no flies on him and I think he understands much, much more than he lets on.

I will definitely be getting DS1 to be my helper and I will try to plaster the biggest smile on my face possible.

(My mother will have to do a better job at not being anxious in front of DS though...she is looking after him tomorrow and I think she is in a worse state than I am. smile)

brettgirl2 Tue 12-Mar-13 21:24:23

Please concentrate on the positives:
- New baby will get him lots of attention from everyone
- New baby will think he is amazing, sit in baby chair watching him and no one else
- He will get attention for being good big brother.

I really think people get obsessed with the negatives dd1 loved dd2 the second she saw her. She was amazing, honestly.

We didnt do presents, but just kept pointing out dd2's adoration and what a good big sister she is. Good luck for tomorrow smile

RubyrooUK Tue 12-Mar-13 21:34:10

Thanks Brett. I'm trying to think of how much fun we will eventually have with the new baby....

...now we just need to think of a name for this poor neglected second child we haven't had time to think about yet....grin

brettgirl2 Tue 12-Mar-13 21:36:21

Maybe you should ask him grin .

RubyrooUK Tue 12-Mar-13 21:44:43

Tried asking DS1 for a good baby name the other day. He said a good name was Anklyosaurus. Even I don't want to please him that much. grin

brettgirl2 Tue 12-Mar-13 21:50:20

I think its a lovely name, or captain barnacles, nemo, superman.... wink I reckon Adam (Dd2 was going to be Adam if a boy, named after the best looking boy in my class at school)

Try and get some sleep. You'll know what to call him when you all meet him tomorrow smile

wafflingworrier Tue 12-Mar-13 21:50:36

i hope it goes well tomorrow. try eating some of that illicit junk food yourself, nothing like a good sugar high to help keep tears in check.
they are going to get along great x

Startail Tue 12-Mar-13 21:51:48

DD1 thought DD2 was great.
DD2 BF continuously this meant mum was tied to the sofa and could read endless books or be prattled at about lego.

I'm inclined to find toddlers boring so DD1 got more not less attention when DD2 came along.

She also grew up a lot, realising that running off wasnt fair when I had the buggy.

Good luck and a speedy recovery.

TempusFuckit Tue 12-Mar-13 21:53:27

Yy, what brettgirl said. My DD is 3.5 months, and my 2-year-old DS is her favourite thing in the whole world ever, which he in turn loves. Big hugs, kisses, showing her off, singing her songs, dancing for her, shaking her playmat - it's lovely to watch.

Would also add that I got a huge burst of energy after giving birth, and despite a C section and a newborn felt like I was able to play more with DS than when heavily pregnant.

There was jealousy, of course there was, but the worst of it was fairly short lived.

Goingdownthegarden Tue 12-Mar-13 21:59:04

My ds slept quite a bit when he was a newborn - so dd and me could have some really lovely 1:1 time. My midwife gave me some ideas like when ds had fallen asleep, laying him in his cot and saying demonstratively "so ds, it´s time for you to lie down because it´s dd´s turn now". It worked well actually. Ds of course didn´t notice it at all - but it was worth pointing out to dd that now she was coming first.

redwellybluewelly Tue 12-Mar-13 22:03:47

Hope tomorrow goes well, I've 11 weeks to go and this'll be me. My toddler will be 2.10 and she is already quite subtlety becoming more attached to me again, especially before bed and during the night.

I've had to work away a bit in the last year and will do so again soon for a week so she is completely happy with daddy and barely misses me. We're arranging nursery (illness will mean SIL covers) for the day before, day and day after which is somewhere she is completely happy with and so me away for two days won't impact too much on her.

As you say though with your DS, DD understands waaaaaaay more than she lets on, she is besotted by babies and I'm hoping she will enjoy being a big sister.

RubyrooUK Tue 12-Mar-13 22:18:33

Thank you SO much everyone. I am feeling a bit better. DH is also now home and reminding me how lucky we are and how sad I will be when I don't have a small boy who thinks that his mum's cuddles are the most amazing thing ever.

I've also lectured my mum who is looking after DS1 while I'm having the c-section on not weeping in his presence and being super anxious so now SHE is stressed and I feel a bit better. That's ungrateful children for you. grin grin grin

MeanAndMeaslyMiddleAges Wed 13-Mar-13 22:45:22

I appreciate that today you might not be able to answer, but how did it go Ruby?

QOD Wed 13-Mar-13 22:47:45

Yay you gotta new baby!!
How goes?

RubyrooUK Wed 13-Mar-13 23:09:16

Hello!

It's all been great so far. Well, as great as surgery can be.

The c-section staff were amazing, listened to all my issues about my previous awful delivery, helped explain everything and even hugged me (I started shaking uncontrollably when we got to the epidural) and as far as I know, the c-section went well.

Am now in bed with DS2 who is showing no signs of being prepared to sleep in a hospital cot, has been suckling away furiously since the section and my catheter has already been taken out because I whinged so much. In a bit of pain around my scar but that isn't too bad yet.

So not a bad result although clearly I won't be sleeping at all tonight as DS2 has been dedicatedly sucking for the last two hours with no signs of giving up (he has fed most of the day too). He clearly has not been briefed that he needs a lot of sleep and only has a tiny stomach.....smile

DS1 went to bed at 7:30 for his granny without tears like a complete traitor. DH has now gone home as he is worried about DS1 waking up in the night and not having his daddy or mummy there (um, he might be as soppy as me).

DS1 is coming to meet DS2 at the hospital tomorrow so I guess we will see how that goes.......eeek.

QOD Thu 14-Mar-13 19:56:00

Ah lovely, bless, what'd you call baby pickles?

brettgirl2 Thu 14-Mar-13 19:57:49

Congratulations :-)

RubyrooUK Thu 14-Mar-13 20:10:45

No name yet QOD. Too tired and rubbish to decide on one. Plus DS2 is so small and frog-like that we can't yet really tell what he looks like. Also it is annoying our families that we haven't chosen a name yet so that's a bonus. grin

Am now home from hospital and in a lot of pain from the c-section scar but otherwise fine.

I read DS1 his bedtime stories like usual as he is very confused about the whole baby thing today - taking him to the hospital was probably a mistake and upset him a bit as he had to leave mummy there for a while - and now he has a terrible cold on top which is bringing him down. (Then DH had to winch me out of his bed after story time as I got stuck.)

Now DS2 is on a cluster feeding frenzy beside me and I am finally lying down in my own bed.

grin shock grin shock grin shock

QOD Thu 14-Mar-13 21:36:38

Awwwww its all good

cerysb Fri 15-Mar-13 14:29:36

Hi
I realise this is a few days out of time, but I just wanted to say, I was in exactly the same situation, give or take a few months age difference in my (second) son, when I had my third by c-section. I was weeping uncontrollably about the whole thing for at least 24 hours before the section, as a combination of guilt, fear, worry, not wanting to leave my first two to stay in hospital, etc. Being away for a couple of days actually did my middle son the power of good, he was a changed character when I came out of hospital. I wondered if it was more the unknown than anything else that was making him feel insecure.
My mum advised me when I had my second (and therefore third too) not to make too much of a fuss over the baby (the baby won't notice) and to give the other child/ren plenty of attention, and one on one time, so they realise their mum's still there and nothing too dramatic has happened. They need to feel the baby is not taking their mum away. Also, what goingdownthegarden said - I did a lot of "Your turn is finished now, baby, now it's ds's turn" etc.
Good luck, congratulations, and enjoy!

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