3 year old is horrible to her daddy.

[Softlysoftly]

DD1 is all about me and just horrible to him. She won't hug him, kicks if he tries to get into our bed (that she is currently sharing), won't go on days out even if it means being bored at home, wants me to carry/wash/feed/drive her, every little thing in fact.

He tries so hard, cooks for her, plays games I just wouldn't have the patience for that is the only thing shell do with him.

When I was working before mat leave with dd2 he was more or less the sahd (works nights) and their relationship was great, that was 9 m ago. I'm due to go back soon but he is opening a business so won't be taking on that role again.

What can I do to improve matters? He worked really hard on it but has now got to the stage where he said tonight "well I don't want your hugs or to be friends anyway dd1, I'm sick of it" then banned her from playing my iPad for a day. Cue row between us (I felt that wasn't helpful/fair), and dd1 going to bed upset.

Help!

[betterthanthat]

Oooh this could have been us around the same age for both dd1 and 2! He was the SAHD for dd1 at the time. No miracle advice sorry but my DP just kept reiterating his love for her whilst being honest that her words were hurtful. I did try to talk to the DDs too about how would they feel if either of us said it to them and they would be regretful but not convinced it made a lasting difference. Both have grown out of it and DD1 (8 ) especially is a Daddys girl if that offers any comfort. Hope some other wise ladies can offer suggestions too.

[anonymosity]

You'll see that it swings in roundabouts as she gets older. Don't make a big deal about it / make it an issue and don't take it personally.

[ledkr]

Yes I agree. Ignore it as much as you can and tell dh to cool it a bit with her. She will soon wonder what's up. It's just getting her lots of attention at the moment.

[cloudhands]

I'm sorry that it's so tough for you all at the moment, I agree with you, that having her Dad punish her won't have helped matters. Be reassured all kids do this at some point! Your DD loves her dad very much, it could be that she just has some hurt feelings about him not being around as much as he used to be. But you can help her really easily to get back to loving daddy again
I just read this great article about what to do when kids only want their mums,

www.handinhandparenting.org/news/220/64/I-Only-Want-Mommy-Helping-Your-Child-Feel-Safe-with-Both-Parents

[MadameCastafiore]

Sorry but she is being down right rude and hurtful to another person and I would nail her for it. Be it her father or not it would not be acceptable in our house. You need to work together to show her that this is not acceptable. If she gets in bed and kicks DH you remove her from the bed. If she won't go out with him she goes to her room, would you allow a bye else to be this rude to your DH?

[lauriedriver]

Totally agree with Madame, who in their right mind lets a 3 yr old rule the roost? Absolute madness, kick this behaviour in the bud asap

[ledkr]

Erm ... She's three

[cloudhands]

Madame, 'nail her for it' that sounds a bit harsh!!

She's having some strong feelings, and as she can't be expected to react to them in an adult way, she's a three year old.

It's really hard for all concerned when a child prefers one adult to another, but I think it's up to us as adults to have a little empathy for the child. We are bound to feel hurt if we are rejected by our children, but I think if this is the case, then we can let off steam to another adult in private, then come to our children with refreshed energy to deal with their feelngs, without having our own getting in the way.

[ledkr]

I think some posters have stumbled in from gransnet with old fashioned harsh discipline parenting.

[lauriedriver]

Maybe if old fashioned parenting ain't broke, don't fix it

[cloudhands]

haha ledkr, I agree!

I think old parenting is pretty broke, otherwise why would we need to discuss parenting on mumsnet? !! Wouldn't people already know it from what their own parents did? It's refreshing that when people are looking for new and better ways do things.

[ledkr]

Well it was broken wasn't it? Which is why we have evolved and tried to be more forward thinking in our approaches.
I'm pretty hard core when it comes to parenting older children btw but this child is three and her parents are trying to address her behaviour.
"Nailing her" sound aggressive and suggests using harsh discipline which is not useful or appropriate in this age group.

[Softlysoftly]

Well that went a bit sideways!

I promise she isn't allowed to rule the roost though she's a strong minded little madam so she tries her hardest. On balance though she's kind, thoughtful and lovely with everyone except her father!

If she is physical/refuses to do things there are consequences but these are things like if she refuses to go to a fun thing with him then I don't change what I'm doing eg working so she is bored. If she won't let him carry her I won't etc. I just can't force her to do things with him.

I do speak to her about treating others how she would like to be treated and that she's hurting her father, the thing is she is verbally advanced which sometimes makes us forget she's still a baby with the emotional awareness that entails.

I'll take a look at that article Thankyou!

[ledkr]

It's normal op. look at it from her point of view. She is rude and everyone diverts their attention to her. Ignore ignore and then ignore some more.
Obviously praising when good. It's a phase. She's still a baby really.

[Emmie412]

We have had something similar with DD who is now 3. She has always been really clingy and mummy is everything. We figured that her reluctance to stay with daddy was probably related to stressful nursery drop offs so we have changed it so that I drop her off. (She goes only two days a week and still cries at separation although goes to have a wonderful day and asks to go back when I pick her up).

Anyway, daddy has an equal right/duty to look after her/to take her out and in fact spending alone time with daddy doing an activity she enjoys has made a massive difference to their relationship. And I think it is important that they get to do this just the two of them, without my presence... and I quite like a morning of peace on Saturdays! ;)

I also think that kicking/hitting should never be acceptable, regardless of the age, it will have to have some type of consequence.

[lauriedriver]

I wasn't suggesting you use harsh discipline I just think rudeness towards a parent shouldn't be tolerated & think your hubby could feel pushed out. Even 3 yr okds need to understand that actions have consequences & taking the iPad away wasn't in my opinion harsh. She may only be 3 but rude 3 yr olds turn into rude 13 yr olds so it's much easier to nip it in the bud at 3.

[Softlysoftly]

He is feeling pushed out :(

Ok perhaps I was wrong about ipad. It just didn't seem to logically link. I tend to like consequences that have a link to the action directly iyswim.

I'll shut down with dh and decide on a plan of action ignoring and consequences for serious actions. It's hard though as he doesn't want to talk about it .

[Softlysoftly]

*sit

[lauriedriver]

Maybe a daddy daughter only day once in a while, work permitting as suggested by another poster would go towards sorting things.

I found, through trial & error that's the best outcome in parenting comes from working together. If she's rude to daddy, mummy agrees with daddy about consequences. Once she sees your a team & back each other up hopefully the rude behaviour will stop.

I don't always agree with the way my partner parents our daughter(13) but I always stick with what he says in front of her or vice versa then discuss after. Then there's no good guy, bad guy scenario. Good luck

[Lafaminute]

My DD used to be like that - it always improved when they spent one on one time together - like if I went away for a day or a night, they'd be much better afterwards.