Fairly normal stuff for a 5 year old or have I raised a little 'Damian'?

(11 Posts)
MGMidget Mon 04-Feb-13 13:12:20

DS got very upset yesterday when things weren't going his way and he'd been forced to share a game with visitors (well DH snatched it off him and handed it to our guests for a while!). I also offered visitor's DC one of his cakes since he had managed to get one off the worktop and was eating it in front of them. He is usually good at sharing and not this badly behaved but clearly yesterday he was having a bit of a meltdown. He was so upset that he said some nasty things after our visitors had left (thankfully not in front of them!). I think he was trying to think of the worse things he could say to shock and emphasise how upset he was. He said he would set fire to our house and lock the door on the outside so I would be dead in the fire! Once he had calmed down we talked about this, he was obviously upset but did apologise because he knew it was expected of him (not sure how much he meant it!). However, shortly afterwards he said 'If you have another baby I will kill it'. He's five years old.

DH was really shocked and said he shouldn't be saying these things, where is he getting this from? We restrict his TV viewing and never watch the news in front of him, he only sees children's TV. Obviously we can't control all the influences on him and he will pick things up from other kids at school for example. He is a bright kid with more general knowledge than most children of his age as we do read age-appropriate factual books with him as well as children's stories. He asks lots of questions so I do end up explaining lots of things about the world to him. I suspect he's just put the knowledge he's picked up together to try and say the worse things he could think of and maybe that's normal. (I know they had been discussing the 'Great Fire of London' at school for example.) So, I'm wondering: is it normal for a five year old to come out with this type of thing? Or, have I got something to worry about with these type of comments at the age of 5? Not sure if I need to try and do anything about this.

Solola Mon 04-Feb-13 16:48:30

Well my 6 year old DS quite regularly says 'I hate you, I wish you were dead' or something along those lines. Not quite as specific about the manner of death as your DS was though!

I just put it down to him, in a rage, saying the worst, meanest thing that comes into his head. When I can see him getting out of control like that I send him to his room and tell him he can come out when he is ready to talk about whatever has made him mad in a calm, nice way (and I've explained what that looks like). I do, like your DH, do find it quite disturbing but then I think at this age, they still sometimes have the overwhelming emotions that you see in toddlers but also have the vocab to say awful things.

It sounds like you are doing all the right things and talking it through with him when he's calmed down a bit. Sharing is never easy but good for you and your DH for following through and not giving in when he had a meltdown.

I think it all sounds completely normal to me!

noseynoonoo Mon 04-Feb-13 21:12:47

I think it's normal for a child when frustrated to come out with pretty horrible stuff.

I'm interested in the 'sharing'. Having something taken from you for someone to play with is not sharing - it's having something taken away (in his eyes). Could they have 'taken turns' so that he knew it was coming back.

Not sure what to do about the cake sharing - surely he didn't have a huge pile that were exclusively for him?

Oh boys and their meltdowns!

MrsMushroom Tue 05-Feb-13 12:13:53

I kind of agree with nosy about a game being taken away...but was it that he was sitting there playing it and not agreeing to have a certain amount of time on it and then hand it over?

Also....why were the cakes HIS cakes? confused 5 year old's don't generally get an exclusive cake supply!

BeaWheesht Tue 05-Feb-13 12:26:08

Why did your dh snatch? Why were they 'his' cakes?

Tbh my ds is 6 and says he hates us - well he used to - he stops himself now because we cracked down on it.

I think I'd be pretty concerned if my ds said the things your ds did because he sounds disproportionately angry iykwim?

Thechick Tue 05-Feb-13 14:10:58

I don't think this is normal for a five yr old to say these things in my experience, but im a mother not someone who works with children.
I think you should talk to your health visitor. He really should not be saying or even thinking these things especially harming a sibling.

Bundlejoycosysweet Tue 05-Feb-13 14:28:39

Sounds very similar to my five year old DS.

He also sometimes says horrid stuff like this (I am going to stab you in the leg) etc. when I challenge him on it he always clarifies that I wouldn't die but I am not sure it makes it much better!

Although it is horrid he doesn't mean it and is just testing the boundaries and learning lots of stuff at school where most games seems to involve being ninjas etc.

I think it is normal but that is not to say it is ok. I always have stern words with my son when he says this kind of stuff and try to chat through why we don't say things like that.

daytoday Tue 05-Feb-13 14:48:51

I don't think I would have forced my DS to share if they are normally good and are suddenly upset about sharing. I would have suggested that I should put the toy away in a safe place, so it wasn't an issue and try and find something else to do. If they didn't want to play (which many children of this age can decide to do) I would have got some biscuits out to decorate or even telly.

I think maybe your DS had an issue about something but being little couldn't express it. Have a conversation about special items that they don't have to share on playdates and pre-agree them. This often helps mine.

He does sound very angry - I wouldn't worry about where he got his ideas from because we all know that kids have the most amazing imaginations!!

he's only 5 -

daytoday Tue 05-Feb-13 14:51:54

Oh, and do you remember when they were 3 and they all found the word 'poo' hilarious. In my opinion 5 is the age when they become fascinated with the word 'kill.' I bloody well doubt he really knows what it really means.

Cherrypie32 Tue 05-Feb-13 20:31:01

I totally agree with daytoday comment above. My 5yo DS is very grumpy and easily angered this term. He often comes out with backchat about 'killing' despite having no experience of death in either real life or fiction. I am sure he doesn't really know what he's saying and it's just playground talk. I discourage it but certainly wouldn't rush off to see a health visitor.

MGMidget Thu 07-Feb-13 09:33:48

Thanks, for all the comments! It's good to know it may be normal for a five year old. He was particularly upset. I personally wouldn't have snatched the toy away but would have negotiated sharing with him and got him to hand it over for a while but DH is a bit more blunt about these things as he doesn't have as much time with DS so not so skilled at dealing with him! It was not so much DS's reaction but what he said that was worrying me. It sounds like kids this age are coming out with this stuff. They have been playing 'army' games in the playground at school as well so I guess there's been some killing mentioned. I guess we'll just keep reinforcing that these are bad things to say with consequences such as sending him to his room (which is what we did this time) and hope we don't hear too much of this in the future.

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