Help me to stop shouting (really shouting) at my children

(131 Posts)
chestnutblue Wed 23-Jan-13 10:23:51

I have three, ages 6, 4 and 1. I find I am very hard on 6yo son. He drives me crazy because he doesn't listen or do as he is told and is unkind to 4yo. I know he's only small and this is normal but it literally drives me crazy. I find myself screeching at him, utterly furious that once again he is not listening. Repeating myself endlessly is soul destroying.
How do you deal with this sort of behavious? (mine and his).
What coping techniques do you use?
Please help, I am a hideous mum who is making my lovely boy miserable.

Hullygully Mon 11-Mar-13 10:26:15

tearaway that has made me so sad! He is telling you these things because he desperately needs you to intervene. Please acknowledge what he is saying and the truth of the shouting, it is really hard for a child to have their reality ignored.

Dh needs some behaviour management strategies. Seriously.

One of the best pieces of advice i ever got was when my first child was a baby and a friend said, you just have to always remind yourself who is the parent.

Parents are the adults and they musn't shout at kids, little people smaller than themselves, because the relationship is unequal. If you shout at them it is like bullying, and also means you are reacting to them like a child yourself, not like the parent.

I appreciate everyone knows and accepts shouting is wrong and horrid, but all the shouting makes me sad. Well doine to everyoine trying to change it and I agree it is all about anger and unresolved issues in the adult.

InNeedOfBrandy Mon 11-Mar-13 10:25:08

Hiya similar problems here! I spoke to my dr how over the top and hard I was being on dc for minor things and he switched my birth control pill. Only the last month so can't for sure say it's working but it's not been a normal month either.

Tearaway Mon 11-Mar-13 10:09:11

Aspiemum - would you be able to share some ideas that you used to help DH? Mine loves his kids to bits and is really affectionate when they come for tickles and loves nothing more than to snuggle with them on the sofa but he is incredibly intolerant of childish behaviour and doesn't seem to remember what it is like to be a bouncy, irresponsible, self-centred child. He really shouts at the boys when they get on the wrong side of him - my 7yr old in particular. DS can be infuriating: whilst mostly obedient, he sometimes chooses to ignore requests or does the opposite of what he has been asked. He has a particular problem with doing things he has been told repeatedly not to do (i.e a game will start up with his younger brother, he'll run away and slam the door shut to keep his brother out - it's all in play but fingers could get lost and we have lost count of the times we have told him not to do it and why - he's always sorry but gets tearful (after being shouted at) and says he "forgets") . Where his behaviour is wrong, I accept that we need to deal with it but DH's response is to absolutely bellow with fury. He is never violent but the shouting scares me even. In the last two weeks I have had the following from DS:

"you must be disappointed that you chose the wrong boyfriend to be your husband because Dad does get quite angry".

He told me that, although I was "kind", I only scored 7.5 out of 10 because I chose an angry man as my husband.

This morning, after a conversation today about a teacher who had time off because his father died last week, he projected it onto himself and said "it would be quite sad because someone had died but it would be good because then you could marry someone who wasn't so angry".

Each time I have let it just drift and then changed the subject. I don't want to tell him his thoughts are wrong because I need him to be able to speak openly with me but this morning's comment really worried me.

Can anyone offer some thoughts? Even commentary on whether I should be approaching things differently and telling DS not to talk that way.

TreadOnTheCracks Fri 15-Feb-13 20:21:17

Enjoy that wine!

MaisyMoo123 Fri 15-Feb-13 18:14:54

Urghh! Shopping can be a real flashpoint can't it Tread! You have my sympathies - the number of times I've come out frazzled and angry without the one thing I went in for! I hope your chat works well and it's more successful next time!

Things are ok here. I'm still feeling hormonal and generally snappy but have been keeping it under control - just about! Ds (just 4) has been testing the boundaries a bit today but I've managed to stop myself exploding. I think I'll reward myself with a glass of wine later! wink

TreadOnTheCracks Thu 14-Feb-13 20:56:44

Maisy. It's so hard and I suppose it's going to take time to change our ways as well as our DCs reaction.

DD (7) was a nightmare at the shop after school. I was pretty calm, pleased with myself, then as we were driving home I realised I'd forgotten the milk and bread I really went for and exploded at the thought of having to stop at the local shop.

I have resolved to try and have a little talk with her /them before we going shopping next time to make sure she is clear on the behaviour I expect and see if that helps.

Ah well, another day tomorrow!

MaisyMoo123 Thu 14-Feb-13 13:00:02

That's brilliant Hels! I've tried that with my 2 but doesn't seem to have quite such a miraculous effect! Long may it continue to work for you though!!

Hope everyone else is doing ok and making some progress too?

Not so positive here over the past couple of days hmm. After doing so well and really feeling like I was getting somewhere the flipping hormones have kicked in and I feel like I've gone backwards. Its so disappointing. I'm nowhere near as bad as I was last month (so far anyway!) which is some consolation - I feel less irrational and completely brimming with rage - more snappy and short-tempered. Hopefully the various supplements I've been taking are doing some good and I won't sink as low as I did last month!

flowerandrandd Wed 13-Feb-13 10:11:04

Read divas vs dictators. I hate these kind of books but I couldn't recommend it more, my dd2 is a nightmare, I'm having a particularly difficult time with her but honestly this books helps your sanity and amazingly works immediately, it is uk author o no cheesy hug it out crap either x

helsbels03 Wed 13-Feb-13 07:33:44

I just had to post this miracle that happened just now- I said to dd2, when you're ready get dressed and come down for breakfast... And within 5 mins she was dressed and sat waiting!!!!!! This is usually a 30 min job as she has to change every item if clothing I have put out for something else (she has school uniform so not that much choice but is usually enough to send me twirling!) sorry I can't find who posted this suggestion but thankuou for the tip xx

helsbels03 Tue 12-Feb-13 21:21:59

Have signed up for the daily emails- hopefully they will come through before we get up for school so will help with mornings- we are at the point where none of our dc3 listen until we shout, I admit the problem is ours but he finds it difficult, still thinks that they should do as he says instantly but truth is they have had at least 3 years of hearing us arguing which we have worked through now, but still, to model their behaviour on. Will def hold a family meeting tomorrow after parents evening should be a good time as all are perfect at school-

On a good note tho- I managed to stay calm at bedtime even tho dd2 was trying her best delaying tactics and woke ds up, also had some snuggle time with dd1.( as had been particularly shouty to her this morning). The link about every shout hardening her heart to me was all I could think of, kept me calm tho, and dd1 liked the fact I apologised.

MaisyMoo123 Tue 12-Feb-13 20:24:01

Poor you Hels. That's a really tough one! I'm lucky in that Dh is definitely not a shouter and has made it very clear that he disapproves - and that's part of my motivation to sort myself out. I can see how with 2 of you shouting the habit is going to be harder to break as you probably egg each other on. Have you spoken openly about it and as Tread says, does he want to stop shouting too? I'm sure you can find a way through!

TreadOnTheCracks Tue 12-Feb-13 19:22:20

hels Did you take a look at these?

www.ahaparenting.com/BlogRetrieve.aspx?PostID=102662&A=SearchResult&SearchID=6157968&ObjectID=102662&ObjectType=55

Does you DH agree the shouting needs to stop?

helsbels03 Tue 12-Feb-13 18:18:35

Any tips for when dh is a shouter too??? I am terrible, and seeing the consequences not only in dd1 who has turned into an absolute monster, but also dh. I am getting to the point when I shout at him to calm down for talking to her in exactly the same way I do- its creating a horrible atmosphere.

MaisyMoo123 Mon 11-Feb-13 17:12:55

Hello! How's everyone doing? Hope things are going ok and you're all managing to find ways to stop yourselves yelling.

Things are going ok here. There have been moments, don't get me wrong! But generally things have been loads better. I gave myself a very serious talking to and told myself to grow up, that my shouting and outbursts were destructive and so counter-productive and that I owe it to my Dcs to sort it out. It ended up being almost like a bit of a mantra that I repeat and weirdly it seems to be helping. It was like a real turning point. I'm also trying to be less uptight and to let the little, insignificant things go a bit more which means that I feel less like I'm constantly nagging and makes me less likely to blow. I keep reminding myself they're only young and that I should be kinder to them.

I'm approaching that time of the month now though so I'm crossing my fingers that it doesn't all come crashing down. I'm definitely more inclined to be irrational and angry at this point. I'm going to have to dig very deep I think, but I am determined!

chestnutblue Fri 08-Feb-13 14:14:01

Yes thanks Tread, that's a good one. And thanks for the tips kitty.

I ended up putting the kids in the car - after over an hour in the park where my 4yo cried pretty much constantly - and sat on a bench where I could see them but couldn't hear her. It was just 2mins but I didn't lose it - and I was about to - and they were in silence when I returned.

I hope your day improves Maisy.

MaisyMoo123 Fri 08-Feb-13 12:20:24

Thanks for sharing those links Chestnut and Treadon - both really helpful and just what I needed today after a bit of a stressful morning and a slightly raised voice hmm

kittycatyot Thu 07-Feb-13 21:42:26

Could you get them to help lay their clothes out for the next day? I find they feel a sense of pride and get dressed easier and quicker. Also if they ready sooner they could have their favourite breakfast. My children make their own lunch the night before (with my supervision) cause my son ate more that way so i find getting them involved in the whole prep the night before helps. As for shouting i think EVERY MUM alive has felt guilty about shouting at her children or saying something they're not proud of!!!!

TreadOnTheCracks Thu 07-Feb-13 21:16:26

I like this too (may have got it from a link upthread?)

www.askdrsears.com/topics/discipline-behavior/25-ways-talk-so-children-will-listen

chestnutblue Thu 07-Feb-13 19:30:20
chestnutblue Thu 07-Feb-13 19:29:37

This one came in today from the parenting site. It's short and really worth a read.

It's called 10 Tips to Stop Yelling...

www.ahaparenting.com/BlogRetrieve.aspx?PostID=102662&A=SearchResult&SearchID=6157968&ObjectID=102662&ObjectType=55

MaisyMoo123 Thu 07-Feb-13 18:13:52

Good to hear you're doing ok Chestnut. It's definitely an up and down journey we're on though! I'm sure we can all sympathise! I know exactly what you mean about knowing its wrong but not being able to get out of it when you're in the moment - its so hard when the rage descends. It's all about finding coping/distraction strategies I guess.

I agree that the pasta jar is a very useful tool. My 2 seem really motivated by it and we haven't even bottomed out what "treat" they will earn at the end of it!

Treadon - dealing with bad behaviour in the car is always tricky. I have got cross in that situation so many times!

Things have been ok here. No real shouting though did get quietly cross with dd this morning. It blew over very quickly though unlike my usual episodes which make us all miserable and a hundred times worse!

chestnutblue Thu 07-Feb-13 17:15:19

Hello all

I've been doing ok but struggled yesterday and today was shouting. Can 'see' myself ridiculous behaviour but can't seem to get out when I'm in it.

On the plus side, the pasta pot is proving to be a powerful tool. And I like the ahaparenting daily advice articles. They're just the right length to read in 2 mins.

I hope you're all doing well.

TreadOnTheCracks Wed 06-Feb-13 18:50:33

Not done too well today. Found it hard to ignore DS yelling potty mouth insults at his sister in the back of the car as I was driving. Ho hum.

TreadOnTheCracks Wed 06-Feb-13 06:44:03

Sounds like you've learnt from it though Maisy?

Hope you've had a good nights sleep today.

MaisyMoo123 Tue 05-Feb-13 22:28:21

Oooh Treadon - I'm loving the thought of a perfect teenage phase! We can but dream hey!!

I got very cross with ds when he decided he was wide awake and "not tired anymore" at 4.45 this morning hmm. He had woken dd up asking her to read to him and then started screaming when i put him back to bed. I managed to keep my cool for a bit but ended up "whisper shouting" (have you done that?) at him when he just refused to settle. Mention of not getting pasta for his jar did the trick in the end - magic! I went back to bed feeling like I'd not dealt with it as well as I might've and didn't manage to get back to sleep.

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