Need a bit of advice about my 4yo ds

[Rodeo]

Ds has just turned 4. I would like a bit of advice on how to handle his competitiveness, if he loses at anything he flies off the handle, goes wild - screaming, shouting, hitting, etc. We've tried to ignore it, tried to punish him for it (naughty step, stopping game, put up to bedroom etc) but he still does it, everytime he loses. I know he is still quite young, but he's going to school in September and I'm worrying about it happening there. I don't want people to think he's a brat.

Bit of background info....

He has a very compliant, tolerant (a lot more than is expected of her) 6 yr old older sister (and I sometimes wonder if she should give him a good wallop) they do get on very well and are always playing together, and a baby sis who he dotes on,

I don't smack him as a rule (I have done it though probably about 10 separate times in his life) as it just makes the situation spiral out of control.

Also if he hurts himself he seems to get angry rather than cry although I have tried to tell him it is ok to cry, (that sounds v.corny sorry )

I'm a bit clueless about little boys, never thought I'd get one as my family are all girls (apart from my dad ) I am very proud of him and love him to pieces BTW and usually he is very loving:)

Am I being neurotic??
Am I letting him get away with too much??
Am I being too hard on him??
Should I read Biddulph 'Happy boys' book??!!!
Mainly - is this 'normal-ish' behaviour for a 4yo boy?

I'll stop there, this is getting long!

[secur]

I would suggest that he will find it very different at school and if you make sure you match your approach to the schools he should get the message. In the mean time I would continue the ignoring him - and watching out for big sister!

My 4YO son is not like this but I know that he is on the very "gentle" end of the boy spectrum so I wouldn't use him as a yardstick!

[vkr]

at a party earlier this week - competative games were held with chocolate as the prize. following some strenuous rounds of musical statues/bumps and gandmothers footsteps - 3 kids were beside themsleves (I am able to write about this as ds was one of them). This was out of 9 kids aged between 3.5 and 4.2. All have different combinations of siblings (one is an only child) but all were so upset/angery/inconsolable that they hadn't won. - this was for each and every game. not one of the mothers were able to handle this such that their child was pacified - two were boys and one was a girl. I take the view that my ds will learn that it achieves nothing - but I also do not wish to squash his competative spirit

[Sparklemagic]

rodeo, I think this will change with time. My DS is 3 and a half and is just the same when he hurts himself, he gets very cross indeed and rants like mad, blaming everyone but himself! If it's really hurting he will cry, but basically any hurt and he's CROSS rather than upset!

My DS is not competitive in this way, but I think this is because he doesn't actually play with other children yet, he wants to play alone and be completely in charge. So actually I think the competitiveness is a good thing in some ways, because it means he is very aware of other children and is playing with them rather than alongside, which will help rather than hinder him at school, I'm sure.

I'm sure the school experience will help him get used to winning and losing in an appropriate way. Maybe it will stand him in good stead in life and give him the impetus to get really good at the things he likes. Many sportsmen are really bad losers

he sounds great to me, though I do understand how difficult it must be when he's going crazy. I think disciplining for this is on a hiding to nothing - at present he's obviously beside himself. I think just be watchful of him and sympathetic to how awful he feels, and keep telling him we all win and lose at things...and he will gain the maturity and skills to deal with it better in time, I'm sure..

[foxinsocks]

I have a very competitive 4 yr old - he doesn't hit out but he will cry if he loses (or want to cry and try to hold it in) - he also makes it perfectly clear to everyone that he wants to win!

I don't think there's any point in telling them off - I have tried to have conversations about how we play games to enjoy them not only to win etc. etc. but it goes in one ear and out the other.

Ds now goes to football training where they play a game at the end of every session and they have to shake hands with every other player at the end whether they have lost or won and whether they are all in floods of tears/anger or not otherwise they are not allowed to play. This has taught ds bucketloads of sportmanship!

Also, we have started playing LOADS of games at home (with his older sister who really couldn't care less if she came first or last and would concede defeat to ds if it meant a quiet life). This helps as it's within the confines of your own home and you'll probably find their reaction becomes less extreme as time goes on.

[Rodeo]

Thanks guys, the comforting method, which I forgot to mention, just about works, but sometimes he lashes out first so we have a sobbing 6yo to deal with too, so it gets really difficult, esp when it's all happening in front of the MIL watchful eyes!

[Rodeo]

Foxinsocks, that is good to hear, your dd sounds just like ours! He's starting football training too soon so that's great news :)

[juliab]

I agree with Foxinsocks. It's staggeringly normal at this age - particularly among sporty boys (and some would say being good at sport REQUIRES a certain amount of competitive spirit). Just give him LOADS of practice at losing (it gets easier the more you have to do it). And model losing with grace yourself as often as you can - you know, the sort of, 'Never mind! I still really enjoyed that' thing.