Some reasurance needed please for my friends who think they have the most difficult 1 year old EVER!

[Moomin]

My friends are having a hard time with their ds who is 1 in 2 weeks and they could do with some reassurance that plenty of 1 year olds are the same as their ds as they think they're going bonkers.

Their ds has just discovered that he can have tantrums and does so whenever he doesn't get his own way which is pretty often obviously! when he's in a temper he is inconsolable and will scream for up to an hour and even refuse food despite being hungry. He's fine when everything goes his way but when, for instance, my friend has been holding his ds over a football kicking it up and down the front room for half and hour and his back is crippled, all hell breaks loose when he puts his ds down!

They're both finding it very stressful at the moment (the mum is especially frazzled) and I've said that i think at this stage their ds's behaviour can't be 'trained' as such but how they react to him will be the way to come out the other side. I spoke to the dad last night and I told him it's absolutely normal at this stage (and beyond!) but I think he (esp) would like to hear about similar i year olds that are driving their parents mad so he can help support his dp. I'm going to email him this thread later if i get some replies! Thanks

[LIZS]

poor kid sounds confused. Perhaps they are trying too hard to entertain him, getting him excited and then stopping suddenly. As he becomes more mobile they could encourage him to enetertain himself for a few minutes, play down at his level and gradually withdraw. Also maybe he has some separation anxiety if he isn't the focus of their attention when he expects it. If he throws a tantrum have a nice safe place, like a bean bag in a quieter corner of the room, place him there and stay near by but not actually interact until he calms down. As to the food , may be he is over hungry and would prefer regular top ups during the day rather than set meals, has a prefernece for textures, wnats ot be independent and feed himself but unsure how. or is teething. It will pass but of course his appetite and behaviour will probably fluctuate for some time to come.

[lanismum]

my dd is 1, and shes a monster too! she climbs up on everything, it doesnt matter how many times we tell her no, or distract her, she carrys on till she finally gets annoyed by us moving her, then she has a huge tantrum, throws herself on the floor, kicks, smacks, and when shes especially annoyed, holds her breath till her lips turn blue!
im hoping this is normal.......................

[Furball]

I think at this age you have to catch them before they are hungry IYSWIM as they don't have much patience.

I would tell them to say 'last one' or 'in five minutes it's time to stop' and after awhile it will sink in that the game will stop in a while rather than it suddenly just stopping with no warning.

[Chandra]

I think it's a good time for them to understand that although children are the center of our lives they don't have to rule them. Children don't need to be entertained all the time, this is also a good time for them to start learning to control their frustrations (obviously you can't expect them to deal with them as grown ups would do, but you canainly can help them to realise that tantrums are not magic wands that make parents turn the world appart for the child to continue to be as a 1 yr old find suitable even against the best interests of the whole family).

At that age I used to think of DS as my "little tirant" for some reason he thought we were his mind reader slaves. This phase will last for as long as they would like to put up with it (obviously even when the phase has passed there would be ocassional outbursts but nothing compared to what you would get if you allow a child to have it all ALWAYS his way).

[Moomin]

The dad said they'd read the Baby Whisperer and identified their ds as a 'touchy' baby or somesuch - one of the most difficult to 'train' (for want of a better word) Don't know much about this myself as i haven't read it but i suggested a few more books by different people to get various perspectives. I think the main problem is how this is impacting on the mum as she's been through a rough time recently with family illnesses and is very stressed and her ds's behaviour is pushing her to the edge. This is then impacting on the dad who wants to try and support his dp and also cope with ds when he's home from work.

I haven't seen much of how they cope with their ds so I'm not sure if they 'overstimulate' him or of they are doing anything that could be construed as 'wrong'. I just know their ds is very demanding at the moment and they're finding it hard. Maybe they're too exhausted to do anything but try to placate him and this is the problem? Is 1 too young to 'train'? I can't honestly remember about dd1 at this age but she was also very placid so it wasn't too bad. She had tantrums at 2 but grew out of them pretty quickly - but they don't want to hear that at the moment!

[Furball]

Also they need to make time for themselves whether it be just having a nice long bubble bath whilst the other looks after the child or just going somewhere quite and reading a magazine etc even if it's only 20 minutes it is 'a break' and it really recharges you.

[Firefox]

My dd was difficult at 1 too. I found making sure that her meals were on on time, and that she didn't get overtired helped immensley. Sadly a lot of people didn't understand that with our dd we just couldn't be flexible in terms of delaying her meals or nap times by an hour otherwise all hell would break loose. When she did go into a tantrum the best thing really was to ignore it completely. For her, reassurance, cuddles, or talking just seemed to make her worse. I must admit things were pretty hard up until she was around 3 years. However at 6 years she is very well behaved. In comparision her younger ds was nothing like her at 1 year so I do wonder if it is all personality driven

[Chandra]

I don't think some children are more difficult than others, it just matter of finding the right strategy for each of them. You can not just assume you have a problem and live with it, you need to find solutions to it. And being convinced your child is difficult per se, it is one of the worst places to start... are they already given hope on him? FGS he is one year old!

[PinkTulips]

don't talk to me about tantrums, my dd 15 months has been trying to blackmail us this way for months. IGNORE IGNORE IGNORE! if they give him even the tiniest bit of attention for throwing a tantrum he'll never stop. if my dd starts one i just blank her and after about 30seconds she stops, looks at me with a really considered look and starts eating, playing, whatever she's supposed to be doing. my dp on the other hand gives in and tries to placate her and all hell breaks loose!

as for the book thy've read, Bulls**t! touchy baby my ass, you can't label a one year old in this way, it sounds like they're trying to excuse his behaviour instead of fix it. all toddlers throw tantrums, all toddlers can be difficult. the trick is not to let it bother you, its perfectly natural and certainly no reason to get overly stressed.

[blueshoes]

Agree with you, firefox. I do believe it is personality-driven, at least in my dd's case. Chandra, in the case of strong-willed persistent children, sometimes the strategy is to give in until they are old enough to have more sense and be in more control of their emotions. My dd was a nightmare as a baby, toddler and now she is 2.5, she is MUCH better at managing her own emotions. She can tell me "stop crying now" or "happy now" and appreciate a bit of delayed gratification and understand cause-and-effect. Try telling that to a one-year old whose world has just fallen apart because he was thwarted.

I agree with firefox about cuddles and reassurance for tantrums, rather than ignoring. Ignoring is only just beginning to have some effect on dd. But at one year old, she would have just escalated and not known how to calm herself down.

Moomin, advice for your friends ... well, just patience. Furball's suggestion for dh and her to take turns is good. Head off tantrums at the pass. If not, it is ok to give in. When "no" means "no", cuddles until ds calms down. Don't compare with other more mellow children. Her ds' time will come ... it is all part and parcel of a strong personality, one that will stand her ds in good stead later on in life.

[happybebe]

well as i said in a previous thread my son started tantrums as such around 1 year but they havent lasted long. i started to teach my child not to do things i considered wrong or dangerous at around nine months. he is a quick learner and was walking then. i would use a gentle but firm NO when he would go to touch the hot heater say or touch the cat litter tray. as he got older and could understand more i began to use no for things like pulling out the cds or going to touch mummies hair straighters. i dont believe in the distraction method as IMO it doesnt teach you child that what he is doing is dangerous. i could have distracted my son from going near the hot heater for example but what happens if i am not there as you can not always be? he may have gone to touch it anyway having no idea that its wrong to do so as he had been distracted rather than told no. although he of course didnt understand the word NO or why it was being said, he came to understand my tone and look and know that he is doing something that mummy doesnt like.

anyways at about one year old two weeks ago, he began to push his boundaries! and suddenly a no wouldnt work. so i started to get down to his level and say firmly NO and look into his eyes, if that didnt work i then removed him from the situation, saying again a firm no. normally he would then have a tantrum and scream so i just ignored him. after a few weeks he has settled down again and a NO once again works.

i think all one year olds go through these phases as it must be so frusrtating not being able to talk or understand a lot that is going on but knowing you need to learn something. tell your friends its perfectly normal! :)

[thewomanwhothoughtshewasahat]

you are right that he's too young to be "trained" so that leaves your friends having to identify and avoid the triggers. I agree with others that routine can help make a happy baby - avoiding hunger and over-tiredness. And then there's distraction - instead of "no I'm not going to keep on helping you kick the ball around", "I've got a good idea, lets sit down and roll the ball", - something that requires a little less adult imput. Warnings and gradual withdrawal are important so that the kid can adjust to a change of activity.

[thewomanwhothoughtshewasahat]

I agree with happybebe that a firm no is suitable when it's a safety issue, but no harm in combining no with distraction. The thing is about "teaching" them stuff like that is you need to somehow catch the window when they are receptive to it. Very dificult, if not impossible, to wake up one day and think, right he/she's receptive now I'm going to change tactic. hence I think starting early is the only way to make sure you don;t miss the window.

[blueshoes]

I dislike the word "training" in relation to babies and toddlers. hatlady, I agree that there is a window. But that window may not open until later. So leaving it later is not always a disaster. There is no harm in starting early for a child if he/she is receptive from an early age (happybebe, I am envious of your ds). But for other less compliant personalities, mummy's disapproval or tone of voice is drowned out by their own maelstorm of immature emotions. I do think that babies and toddlers need their parents' help in learning how to manage their emotions - and that does not mean just leaving them to deal with it whilst being ignored. Fine if it works, but if not, it does more harm to the relationship than good and takes longer for a toddler to learn self-control than if the parent was more supportive. Children need to know they are loved no matter what - even (or shall I say especially) if they are out of control and tantrumming. Just my experience in raising a stormy child.

[Furball]

I also learn't 'the art of distraction' very useful, an exclaimed 'oooh, look at that, oh my eyes must be funny I thought I saw a rabbit in the doorway' then go and have a look together could just deter any impending tantrum.

[happybebe]

i think it depends as blueshoes says on how receptive your child is. also with the ignoring i think its acceptable as long as you are doing it for the good of your child and not just because you dont want to deal with the issue. i should say that once my son had calmed down from a tantrum and being ignored he then is immediately cuddled and told he is good and WHY he is good. i dont believ in just saying good boy i always explain exactly why he is good even if he doesnt really understand just now. lots of people comment on his good behaviour and are amazed at how much he understands and i do feel very lucky to have such a son. i am due my second in two months will be interesting to see how this one turns out!

[PinkTulips]

happybebe, lol at wanting to see what the next one will be like, i'm also preg again, due in august and dd is so receptive to dicipline and being taught right from wrong, i use alot of the same methods as you judging from your posts, i'm convinced the new one will be a nightmare and i'll have to eat my words!

[happybebe]

well ds has always been a fab sleeper and did things so so quickly i actually feel sorry for my next one she has a lot to live up to! my mother in law takes great delight in winding me up and saying this next one will drive me mad because all the tried and tested methods wont work! she reckons all second children are difficult! argh!

[BonyM]

So true ime - dd1 was a dream baby, toddler, child - can probably count on the fingers of both hands the number of tantrums she had, plus she slept through the night from 6mths and has been a good sleeper ever since. Thought it was all down to my excellent parenting! Hah!

Dd2 (13mths) is a complete mischief - always going where she shouldn't, touching what she shouldn't, screaming if she doesn't get her own way. Still wakes at least once most nights and is very changeable in her eating habits. Am hoping things will get easier as she gets older.

[LeahE]

Another book to throw into the mix is Raising Your Spirited Child -- aimed at parents of 2s and upwards really but the general discussion is imo useful even for a one-year-old.

[Moomin]

saw the dad briefly tonight. I asked him how it was going and he said his dp had had a bad day with their ds. I asked if they'd done any ignoring or said 'no' to him at all and he looked horrified and said 'he's far too young for that!' - which he may well be but it's obviously not worth going down that road with them on that one anyway, so at least we know now! feel bad for them - they're not having a nice time of it. I do wonder whether the temperaments of the parents have any influence at all in situations like these (not genetically but how they react to the situation)

[blueshoes]

Moomin, I know that you are trying to help your friends because you see them struggling. As someone with a difficult baby, I got a lot of sympathy from health visitors, relatives. But with that, a lot of well meaning advice as well, a lot of which I tried and did not work with my dd. Sometimes, parents just need to tough it out until baby is older. If someone could have told me that, I would have felt that a big load was lifted and stop all this trying to change dd, with ignoring, controlled crying, starving, what have you. Yes, I just wanted "permission" to continue to meet my dd's needs, without being made to feel like I was doing something wrong or creating a rod for my own back.

If your friends are not looking for advice, then I think the best thing you can do is just support them. And offer to babysit or do housework

[Moomin]

have already decided not to send this thread to him anyway! i spose it's just natural to want to offer some solutions when someone is having a hard time but maybe they do need to find their own way themselves. but i will NOT be offering to have their ds, thanks! have got a 6m old and 4 yo of my own to juggle. sory to sound harsh but i think i'd go bald

[blueshoes]

As far as temperaments of parents are concerned, I was (and in many ways still am) a very selfish person. I had to have my way. But as a parent, you know in your heart when baby is in real distress. It was a no-brainer for me - Dh and I had to adjust, not dd, not while she was so helpless and in need of us.