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advice needed, just lost it with ds over wetting himself ):

(32 Posts)
tennesseyhennessey Thu 13-Dec-12 19:54:17

im at my wits end with ds. he became dry on his own before his second birthday. we had 3 months of not even a dribble, days out, weddings holidays etc. then he started dribbling in his pants, got him tested for uti which came back clear. in the last 15 months he's had spells of doing really well but now he's wetting alot. he's wet himself fully twice since 5pm and had dribbles in his pants in between. he wet himself before nursery and at nursery.

ive ended up shouting this evening after the 2nd change of p.j.s. his trousers and pants stink of wee. he's 3 years 5 months and apart from 3 dry months when he was first potty trained he's spent most the time wet. ive had enough. he goes to school next september and i worry he'll be bullied for wetting himself.

we have tried sticker charts, ignoring accidents praising toilet, chocolate buttons, bribery and currently ive been putting a nappy on him when he wets simply because he doesnt want to wear one and i was hoping it might work but clearly not!

has anyone any advice?

Pancakeflipper Thu 13-Dec-12 20:06:02

Sympathy! Regression is common ( it seems to be especially common with those who were trained earlier).

Don't panic and I think you have to stay really calm, very matter of fact.
Have you tried a timer? Set it for every 30 mibs or 45 mins ( whatever time suits your child and you) and when the buzzer/bell sounds then they have to go to the loo. Then stretch the times apart gradually. This helps if they are the type of kid who gets engrossed in things and then ignores they want the loo.

colditz Thu 13-Dec-12 20:09:53

What are his bowel movements like?

tennesseyhennessey Thu 13-Dec-12 20:14:29

unfortunately im struggling to stay calm. he has younger cousins who are dry day & night. he is taken every 20 minutes whether he wants to go or not. he has been to the loo then promptly wet himself within the 20 minutes.

bowels are fine and are the reason he trained early, for some reason he would only poo in a sitting position! never had a poo accident and he goes at least once a day.

yellowsubmarine53 Thu 13-Dec-12 20:24:02

It doesn't matter what his younger cousins do or don't to - potty training isn't a race, and it doesn't help to compare your child with another one.

The question is why he wets himself. Have you asked him? I would sit down and explain that it upsets you when he wets himself and you want to help him stay dry and what can you do together?

If you've ruled out a UTI, then it may be because he forgets to go in which case pancake's idea of a timer is a good one, but 20 mins seems very frequent. My ds is the same age and was late out of nappies, but wees 4 or 5 times a day max. Taking him to the loo every 20 mins would irritate both of us and make a mountain out of the proverbial.

Is he stressed about anything? This has caused temporary regression in both of my children.

Before tackling anything with your ds though, I think you need to have a bit of a think about exactly why his wetting is driving you bonkers. It's 10 months until he starts school - you need to focus on what you can do to stay calm and come up with a workable solution with your son now, imvho.

Pancakeflipper Thu 13-Dec-12 20:25:23

Don't compare him, my DS2 was just over 4 yrs old before he could wear pants. There could be many reasons.

There's a charity called ERIC who can help. I phoned my HV who was actually helpful and sent me lots of toilet training suggestions for kids who are struggling. And one tactic worked.

Has he given you a reason to why he is not going to the loo ( any loo phobia crept in?)

tennesseyhennessey Thu 13-Dec-12 20:33:40

i realise i shouldnt compare him to other children but its very hard to not feel upset when you pick your child up and theres the row of nappy bags of wet clothes.

I ask him why he wets him self and he says he doesnt know. I take him every 20 minutes because if i leave it any longer he wets himself. if i/we dont tell him to go he wont go. he did used to take himself but if you leave him he will just wet himself.

ive asked him if he wants to go back in ti nappies and he screams blue murder. he doesnt want to wear them but he cant use the toilet.

what kind of stress could he be suffering from and how would i ask him? i dont think he knows what sress means. things at home are fine, he loves nursery. he has got some health problems but nothing id consider major.

i realise to others this i sound like an awful mother for getting wound up about this but the constant washing and stench of urine is getting me down. i also realise 10 months is a long way off but 10months ago he was dribbling in his pants, now its full on wees another 10 months he could be pooing himself as well!

pekapakou06 Thu 13-Dec-12 20:48:30

my ds is nearly 7 and still sometimes does it. when he goes go the toilet does he fully empty his bladder? my ds is in such a rush he sometimes only half empties it x also i found blackcurrant made him worse.

workingonitagain Thu 13-Dec-12 20:56:50

my ds 3.3did that after 3 weeks of dryness then as if he just didn't care started wetting himself everywhere. tried treat but didn't work then my friend suggested to make them work and inconvinience them so when he wet himself instead of helping him get changed. i'd say ok so you take everything off then go upstairs and find dry stuff. it took us ages and he had to stop playing and surprise, surprise he went back being dry and he's been fine ever since.
try not to look but at the same time you don't have to look all happy about the whole stuff when it's obviously annoying.

good luck

TwoSillyHatsWithBellsOn Thu 13-Dec-12 20:57:44

Do you think he's doing it because he knows how much it bothers you? 3.5 is an age where they quite often test boundaries and do whatever they know presses your buttons. DS1, who was a lovely 2yo and is now a lovely 4yo was a horrible threenager, he spent a lot of time pushing his little brother around because he knew it was the one thing which really made me furious with him.

Perhaps you could try taking no interest whatsoever in his potty training, don't take him to the loo, if he can let him sort himself out when he has an accident. Make it something he does for himself, instead of something you're involved with and he might decide he wants to do it, rather than it being a game which gives him power over you.

tennesseyhennessey Thu 13-Dec-12 21:05:00

He already has to sort himself out when he's wet himself. Several times he's taken himself off upstaurs put his wet clothes back in his wardrobe and put clean ones on sad

He could be pushing my buttons, when he does it he'll say something like 'dont check my pants' which obviously means he's wet himself.

Over the last week i said to him if he cant use the toilet he will have to have nappies on. He has then wet himself and creid that he doesnt want one on, yes i have been mean and put it on him and he cries that he wants to be a big boy and 'promises' not to wet himself. Tonight is the first time i have shouted, mainly due to being stressed about work and tired. He pulled his trousers down in the middle of a shop the other day and took the nappy off and threw it at me screaming whilst his arse and willy were out. i was so humiliated by his behaviour.

Tolly81 Thu 13-Dec-12 21:18:24

If he's doing it to push your buttons he's succeeding - you have to chill out about it. And As for pulling his nappy off in public - no one cares! Any parents who saw were probably throwing you sympathetic glances and everyone else just thought it was a toddler tantrum - its not uncommon to see them at the shops. You don't need to feel humiliated.
To be honest as well if you say his urine smells that much and he's going every 20 mins I would get another check for uti just to be absolutely certain. I know you have had a check but do another to be certain. You don't need to worry about him being dry for nursery - this is a regression so he can do it it's just behavioural. If the uti is definitely ruled out then I'd try the ignoring tactic. Get pull-up nappies, don't take him out that day and say he has to use those and show you that he not going to wet himself. If he does ignore it but next day pull ups again.

doughnut44 Thu 13-Dec-12 23:01:00

Is there anything new in his life? One of my mindees went through this when his mum first got pregnant - he didn't know but things at home changed because she used to devote about 2 hours a night to play with him but when she was pregnant she was too tired. Things got better but then once the baby was born it started again.
I dealt with it by when he did it I didn't make a fuss, Just took him by the hand to a quiet area and changed him without talking to him.
Most of all don't get stressed out yourself - he will pick up on this and it will make him anxious which won't help the situation.

AllOverIt Fri 14-Dec-12 06:52:59

Both mine have been difficult to train, and you have my sympathies. I tried everything, my DS took 18 months to be fully dry, my DD has taken 8 so far. She has good days and bad days.

I completely understand your frustration, and got so cross many times. It's do hard when you're tired and frustrated isn't it?

I know other posters have said this, but the only way to deal with it, the only thing that worked for my two, was do ignore them. Quietly take their wet things off. Get them changed and don't even engage with it. Sometimes I was biting the inside of my cheek so hard to remain outwardly calm.

My DD has regressed many times. 2 - 3 weeks of calmly ignoring her has turned it back around every time.

Good luck. It's, by far, the worst thing about parenthood for me. hmm

3b1g Fri 14-Dec-12 07:09:09

DS2 was still wetting himself a couple of times a month in Y4 (aged 8). He was never bullied about it at school, he just took spare clothes and dealt with it himself. It takes some children longer than others to be reliably dry. Try not to let it get to you so much, just take a deep breath (maybe not through your nose) and know that he'll get there eventually.

One thing to make sure of: if he was dry before and now isn't, please just check that he doesn't have an infection eg balanitis or UTI.

3b1g Fri 14-Dec-12 07:11:42

What I meant was, I know the first wee test came back clear, but has he had another? Also, does he have a v.tight foreskin or any soreness under it?

hermioneweasley Fri 14-Dec-12 07:12:05

He's still very young, relax.

I would try the timer thing, and if that doesn't work just put him back in nappies and try again in a few months

Hopskipandjump Fri 14-Dec-12 13:24:26

Definitely try and relax - I have been where you are. My DS still has accidents age 4 and also forgets. All children are different. I find reminding him is good - it is definitely at the bottom of my sons agenda and he leaves it so it is too late!

PrincessScrumpy Fri 14-Dec-12 13:41:31

It may be to get a reaction. I would ignore it (I know how hard that will be!). When he is we, take his hand and take him to a room to get him changed. Calmly change him into clean clothes but do so without speaking to him. Then, once finished, take him back to room where you can play and do an activity with him (just read a quick book or talk about something completely unrelated). When he gets no reaction a few times it might be enough to change how he is seeing it.

PolterGoose Fri 14-Dec-12 19:12:42

It is extremely hard to pass a small amount of urine, so making him try too often, and maybe him pushing to try to get wee out, could be detrimental?

My ds was late to potty train, he was 3.10 before we even started, he wasn't properly dry all day until gone 5yo. It is extremely common for children to still have accidents in reception.

I would advise giving drinks approx every 2 hours, probably when he is eating a meal/snack, eg breakfast, mid-morning, lunch, mid-afternoon, tea time etc. the only time you tell ds to go for a wee is just before one of these times, when you send him to wee and wash hands. This is similar to what will be expected in reception. Do not ask him to wee at any other time. Encourage drinking by giving salty snacks as a short term thing, he will find it easier to wee with a full bladder and it will get him used to the sensation.

Have a stack of cheap pants, jogging bottoms and socks. Dress him in these with his trousers tucked in socks, it keeps the wee from hitting the floor so quickly! Put him in crocs or wellies when you go out to save having wee soaked shoes. When he has an accident ask him to put his wet things straight in the washing machine and give him a quick wipe with baby wipes which you will keep handy. Send him upstairs to put clean clothes on.

We had a tub of cheap plastic bugs that I individually wrapped in tissue paper that were named potty presents which ds go after every wee in potty or toilet.

Has he got a stable toilet seat and step, it can be scary and/or tricky for little bottoms on full size toilet seats with legs dangling, potties don't really work for bigger children.

Don't stress about it, don't tell him off, it won't help him or you, this will pass and he will use the toilet.

tennesseyhennessey Fri 14-Dec-12 19:32:19

thank you all for replies. i have taken alot of your advise on board and have started today a fresh.

amazingly we have had no accidents today just dribbles. instead of telling him to go i have asked him if he'd like to have a try. first thing this morning i asked him if he needed a wee, he promptly felt his pants and said no. i said to him he should go to the toilet before his pants got wet and he took himself off!

i am still going to take him to the drs because after the mention of balinitis up thread, i remembered when i took him to get tested for a uti the gp said his foreskin looked sore and tight and was given canesten to put on it for 7 days. his willy doesnt 'balloon' but it does swell just before passing wee. and it probably isnt relevant but his dad has had to be circumcised to having always had a too tight foreskin which he said was a pain as wee would dribble if he didnt shake properly!

yellowsubmarine53 Fri 14-Dec-12 19:57:04

That sounds great. Well done. Hope that things have turned a corner for you both.

AllOverIt Sat 15-Dec-12 21:50:20

Hooray! Hope this is a new start for you both. My DD still has good days and bad days. More good than bad though.

Good luck

BearsLikeMarmalade Sun 03-Feb-13 17:51:30

I'm bumping rather than starting a new thread because I'd really like to hear tennesseyhennessey how things are now with your DS?

Our situation isn't exactly identical, but there are lots of similarities. DS is nearly 3.6 and has been in pants for around 15 mths (his choice, I would have waited to start but he seemed keen). Its still very rare that he will take the initiative to go for a wee himself. Its all prompted (thankfully he's OK with poo). He can use the toilet himself once reminded, pull up pants & trousers etc. He doesn't tend to have massive accidents, but lots of dribbles and wet pants then we notice, and he does a huge wee, but needs changing. He is also heavily prompted at preschool and has accidents there (not every day but often). They are not hugely concerned, his keyworker shrugged and said "he's a boy".

He thinks its OK if his pants are "a little bit damp" and when you ask why he had wet pants he'll say something like "I was concentrating on my game". I'm 38 +2 with DC2 but this hasn't been new since I got pregnant. He actually said today that he will have dry pants once the baby is here hmm. Done all the reward things under the sun, he has a chart for when he has dry pants all day, special character pants, he gets a smartie if he asks/goes himself. Today after looking at old threads and some other info we decided to try giving him responsibility and dropping the subject, getting him to go up and change himself, minimal attention if he's wet, carry on with praise when he does it etc.

Does anyone think this is worth bothering with (esp. given impending DC2), or would it be better to carry on with prompting/routine and hope it clicks at some point? Another Aug birthday so he'll start school in Sep.

Sorry - long post....

BearsLikeMarmalade Sun 03-Feb-13 20:29:53

<hopeful bump>

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