im finding dd (5) infuriating!

(56 Posts)
familyfun Tue 11-Dec-12 22:07:45

i dont know if its me being really intolerant or dd being a nightmare but im struggling to keep my cool.

when we go upstairs to get ready for school, i put their clothes on their beds and ask dds to get dressed. dd2 is 2 and will take her pjs off run to bathroom as ask for help washing, which i do. dd1 sits on her bed and stares about doing nothing. i offer help, she sits there. i end up nagging and nagging. she will make silly comments "i cant get dressed as im in my pjs" so i say get your pjs off get a wash and il help if you struggle with tights or whatever. i end up shouting and removing whatever toy she is aimlessly fiddling with and forcing her to get washed.

i have tried no nagging, just getting on with getting myself ready and helping dd2 a bit, i looked in after 15 mins hoping she would take it on herself to get dressed. she was stil sitting looking at an ornament hmm

at dinner, we ask her to sit on chair, facing table, eat with cutlery. every day she kneels up, sits down, kneels up, sits down, swings her legs, sits sideways, eats with her fingers, swings her arms round, sings loudly, asks for pudding when noone has finished so dd2 then starts wanting pudding. at least once a week at dinnertime she falls off her chair. at least once a week she spills her milk everywhere. every day she drops food all over the floor as she eats while facing sideways/kneeling up.

today after being reminded to sit down, she knelt up, leaned to fiddle with her shoe, slipped off chair and smashed her face/nose into dps chair causing a massive bruise on her nose and her screaming.

last week she wobbled off a chair while watching tv and smashed her mouth off the tv unit. she doesnt learn.

bathtime, every night she runs off and hides and is hysteriacl laughing, despite us telling her its naughty behaviour and just get in the bloody bath. tonight i left her hiding and just bathed me and dd2. after we got out she came in demanding a bath, i said she was too late so she screamed the house down.

i know she wants the attention of being nagged, told to stop petty stuff, found at bathtime, but its past a joke and she gets plenty of attention.

am i being intolerant? is this normal for a 5 yr old?

familyfun Tue 11-Dec-12 22:09:39

she also fiddles with everything and tonight has picked at the page of her schoolbook while i listened to her read despite being told not to pick it and picked at her gym badge that i just took her to receive and paying for and has frayed all the edge.
i am fed up of telling her off.

What is her co-ordination like generally?. The things you describe could be true of a child with dyspraxia on the other hand they could be true true of any five year old just playing up. I'd try an experiment. Try and put dd2 to bed 20 mins earlier than dd1 and give dd1 some "big girl time" - may be reading a book together or playing a boad game or something. If she is doing all this for attention, you may find that just doing this solves a lot of the problem.

TwoKidsAndCounting Tue 11-Dec-12 22:17:31

Ooh totally empathise with all of that so watching this one, would love to know how to control dd behaviour and my intolerance of!

emalushka Tue 11-Dec-12 22:21:59

I am having lots of problems with my 5 year old too at the moment - it's wearing me down! She's very defiant and always does the opposite of what I ask.
To cope, I ignore as much as I can, unless she is hurting her sister or being dangerous and get her to bed early every night. I've also just taken her advent calendar from her, so I'll see if that works.
It has got a lot worse over last couple of weeks, so I'm just hoping it is related to tiredness/a long term at school and she will be better after a good rest. You have my full sympathies though. I'm finding it very hard.

familyfun Tue 11-Dec-12 22:22:20

dd1 actually falls asleep before dd2, but at least 5 nights a week, dp puts dd2 to bed and i read/listen to dd1 for half an hour on our own so she gets one to one attention.
she is quite coordinated, rides a bike no stabilisers, scooter fine, started gym and walks beam easily etc.
i can put her milk down and tell her its there, remind her its right there, remind her not to wave her arms, then she waves her arms and knocks it over.
when she reads, her legs fling up and down constantly, she literally cant stop moving.

familyfun Tue 11-Dec-12 22:24:16

i have seen lots of children playing up more outside school this week so tiredness/end of term is making things worse.
she is well behaved at school but has fallen off her chair several times and teacher says she doesnt learn from it. she also often doesnt have time to finish her work (cos she is gawping out the window)

familyfun Tue 11-Dec-12 22:25:10

im not sure on ignoring, cos if i ignore her not getting dressed she would happily stay in room in pjs all day reading.

LaTrucha Tue 11-Dec-12 22:26:17

Yup. Sounds like a five year old. In my wide experience of one.

I find humour, backed up if necessary by a no discusion countdown of two warnings and then to her room on the third help a lot. The 1,2,3 thing is a last resort in my house but it comes from a book called 1,2,3 magic. I don't adopt his ideas wholesale. It helps me because it requires no discussion. She knows what I mean when I say that's a 1,2,or 3 so I avoid the wind up of 'I did, he didn't, you did yeah but no but yeah' that my five year old goes for.

If I find myself at the point of having to tell her off all the time I either give her a big, big cuddle (llike a couple of epsodes of Peppa Pig kind of time) or if I'm not able to do that I go and do something that needs to be done somehwere where she isn't in a pointed fashion. She soon comes running to show me how amazingly well she's done the thing I wanted her to do.

That and what educating says.

emalushka Tue 11-Dec-12 22:32:40

Just read the pyjama bit again - you really could be talking about my daughter! Could you say, 'okay, you've got 5 mins. If you're still not dressed, you're going to school in your pyjamas.' Then carry the threat through - I'm sure you'd only get as far as the front door. Or if not, just take her to school! My mum once did this with my brother and he was mortified.

familyfun Tue 11-Dec-12 22:34:26

what happens if you get to 3 and they havent moved? is it like time out? i need to get to school and believe she should be on time but im tempted to let her be late and get in trouble.
she sits on the bottom step till i tell her to put her shoes on. she steps over her coat and has to be told to put it on. if i pass her her hat, she holds it and it never enters her head to put it on. its like she cant think for herself.

familyfun Tue 11-Dec-12 22:39:43

i have threatened school in pjs before, but we walk and she would freeze at the moment.
i am thinking of doing like a reward chart with, wash, get dressed, eat breakfast type headings and giving her a star for every one she does without nagging and then giving her a treat if she manages it.
there are lots of school fates/xmas things coming up which i could use as incentive but if i dont take ehr then dd2 misses out too.

Melmagpie Tue 11-Dec-12 22:42:32

agree good to rule out any dyspraxia or similar. But I also find myself nagging and feeling exasperated by my dd 5 and have just started reading this which helps with the parental approach to tackling things. I've only got as far as "descriptive praise" so far but I'm already really noticing a positive difference so really recommend it - so far anyway.
Calmer, Easier, Happier Parenting

familyfun Tue 11-Dec-12 22:48:29

thank you, will look at the library.
i think she needs to relax at xmas, she doesnt sleep much 8.30 till 6 and often wakes in the night with nightmares so is always tired.

Melmagpie Tue 11-Dec-12 22:50:51

I think most five year olds are knackered around about now. It's a long hard term with every virus around being thrown at them. Roll on Xmas hols and good luck with the book.

YouCanBe Tue 11-Dec-12 22:58:19

DD is just the same. I think (hope) it is this end of term tiredness making it all slightly worse right now.

familyfun Tue 11-Dec-12 23:00:37

i need to stop telling her off so much as it must be miserabel for her and dd2 now says"stop it dd1, that naughty, go on step" so it shows what she hears all the time.

Melmagpie Tue 11-Dec-12 23:10:12

that's what the book helps with. teaches you to praise very specifically when they behave well rather than tell off when not.

LaTrucha Wed 12-Dec-12 07:21:34

On 3, she knows if she doesn't go I'll take her but often getting to 2 will stop her. I also have very small consequences, so if she wants to jump on my bed instead of getting her pyjamas on, she can but she then has no bedtime story (I coould also take away bedtime song and me staying with her for a while while she settles down, but it usually doesn't get there). It almost always works.

We also talk in terms of natural consequences. E.g. Dad is leaving for work in two minutes. If you haven't got your coat on, you'll have to walk to school instead of going in the car. She hasn't yet realised that means mummy will have to get herself and little bro ready too and that would be a way to get everyone running rings round her grin

I should also say, she is open to a lot of explanation, including understanding what other people want. Quite often she genuinely doesn't know why she's not gettig her coat on etc. I have no idea but the instant 'no' reaction seems so automatic it's like a developmental stage she has to go through so I try and roll with it.

LaTrucha Wed 12-Dec-12 07:23:19

What sort of things does that book say. I'm all for calmer more confident children, and I don't think by any means the way I do things is ideal. It's just what has grown up over time with DD.

My 5 yr old DD did this from about Feb (4.9 yrs) to June (5.2 yrs) in reception year. Defiance, refusal, angry.
If it's any consolation, from July to now, she has been lovely, happy, willing to please and a proper mummies girl.
what am I saying, how to tempt fate

It's a phase. Grit your teeth! It will pass.

Melmagpie Wed 12-Dec-12 07:40:14

I do that natural consequence thing too, which works sometimes.

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Melmagpie Wed 12-Dec-12 07:42:06

OMG I'm so sorry that was dd (3)!!! back later when he's not around!!! blush

YouCanBe Wed 12-Dec-12 08:10:11

Mel Haha!

familyfun Wed 12-Dec-12 13:43:04

ok, im trying praise and ive done a reward chart.
just for doing everyday things without being nagged/refusing.
this morning we had 45 mins to get ready, dd1 sat on bed/hid under cot/hid in my room, i ignored her completely and got me and dd2 ready and went downstairs at which point she shrieked and got washed/dressed in 5 mins including tights that she claims she cant do. i then just praised her for getting ready and we walked to school. so she had no attention for faffing but praise for doing. is that right??

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