explain dd1's behaviour to me(17 Posts)
she is 3.10, and doing fine (I think). But she does a couple of things that puzzle me and that I don't see other children of the same age doing (but perhaps I just don't see it, which is why I am asking). She is moderately well behaved, but has her moments (!), and she is slightly on the shy and anxious side - she has friends at nursery though and plays well with other children once she gets to know them.
OK, the first thing is she doesn't handle being told off very well and always turns the criticism back on you, whether she understands it or not. Example: she wanted to wear one colour pull-up, I had the other in my head. I told her 'it's irrelevant', she says, 'you're irrelevant'. If I say 'DD1, I am cross with you about x', she says 'I am cross with you'. Is this about control? power? I try to use co-operation, and various techniques, but sometimes it's impossible to avoid these scenarios. Does this put her on the spot too much?
Second thing, which is related, but I would have thought she would have grown out of by now is: dd2 banged her head on the door; DD1 says 'I am very cross with that door and will tell it off'. Surely she understands by now that doors can't act?
Yeah, it's control, but best not to play into the game. Just treat her information as factual (mutually cross with each other) or irrelevant (the irrelevant remarks). She sounds articulate if she can turn your statements around so well (articulate = good thing).
Don't lots of people play the "Cross with inanimate object" game? I sometimes tell the ground off when DS falls on it bruising himself. It's just making a joke out of a sour moment. He understands perfectly well.
Actually I think she sounds quite bright.
Scenario 1 - she's turned the patronising and cutting remark back on to u. I can see why ur surprised but I'm on her side, u said her view was irrelevant. Why should she not respond back. Not sure she's the one with an 'issue' here......
Scenario 2- most kids do this as it takes their mind off the hurt. She's 3 and a bit. Not 17. Give her a break, play along.
LaCiccolina fair point, you are quite right. It was the end of a particularly infuriating day. And I probably am a bit irrelevant!
and maybe I need to brush up my telling off strategies
I think its a matter of picking your battles. She wanted to wear a particualar colour of pull up and prehaps you only got blue ones less instead of pink. You could say to her "You are feeling disappointed that you can't wear pink pull ups. I wish I could give you a pink pull up to wear, but we have run out and the shops are shut."
Sometimes children will problem solve and come up with a reasonable compromise. Ie. prehaps they can wear pink knickers over the blue pull up, or maybe green isn't such a bad colour.
Children like to have some degree of choice. Ie. when dd gets dressed in the morning I let her choose from three winter out fits rather than her entire wardrobe.
scenario 2 is common and harmless.
good to know about scenario 2 - don't see that many children at close quarters, so just don't know.
She is usually ok about the colour thing - she likes the brown princess ones, not the blue ones, but will accept blue when brown have run out. I'm being a bit hard on her, clearly.
Ok, I would quit the cooperation. It's fine to a degree, but then if it starts to get annoying you need to be in charge and give a clear message- or not engage. She sounds like she's just testing the boundaries. Yes, it's about control and power. Between 3 and 4 I found it useful to say to DD "who's in charge DD?" and get her to say that it was me. But then I am an old fashioned parent .
Tgger I say that sometimes too, and she usually says that she is; I put her right. When I say co-operation I mean that I ask her to help me with whatever it is I want her to do - so, 'DD1, I need your help this morning. I have to be at x early, so I need you to put your clothes on as quickly as you can'. That kind of thing. She gets very clear messages about boundaries, and knows where they lie and what is expected. But tests them constantly nonetheless. She is mostly pretty good, but there are a few things she does that drive me demented - and these are the ones she picks when she senses that I am already cross/disengaged etc.
Thanks for the various tips and insights - given me plenty to ponder
Ah, she sounds like a typical 3/4 year old . Enjoy . I am tougher with DD than I was with DS just from having gone through it all before. Also DH is stricter with her and it works a treat- he is with her less often so easier in a way for him, but for me this stricter/clearer style of parenting works much better than the slightly more hippy way if I may call it that (neither is right or wrong, don't mean to judge).
tgger yes, I think she is pretty typical. In terms of styles obviously some of it is down to personality (yours and theirs) and with DD1 I've learned that clarity is everything. She likes to know a reason and will comply much more readily if you give her one - just a simple one. But she knows that I will only ask her to do something 3 x and then there will be a consequence.
Also- rather than you are cross AT HER, have you tried telling her you are cross at the BEHAVIOUR? Capitals for emphasis, not shouting!
She might be taking it as personal criticism rather than just you want her behaviour to adjust.
FunnyFace has a point. Focus on what is and isn't acceptable behaviour. She will throw it back at you.
"I don't like your behaviour"
"I don't like your behaviour!" she shouts back.
"You mean you don't like me telling you off?"
"Then please don't do that any more and I won't feel that I have to tell you off. Then we'll both be happy with each other."
It won't work plenty times, of course, but it will build up over time to being a good approach.
yes, do try to tell her that - I will be cross if you do x, so if you don't want me to be cross don't do x. If often doesn't work! I do try to focus on the behaviour not on her - she is quite sensitive to criticism and takes things to heart. WHich means that discipline has to be handled quite carefully.
Sorry- in your first post you said you say "I am cross with you about x" and then She replies "I am cross with you about x".
I know it just sounds like silly semantics- but if you change it to "I don't like the behaviour" then she can seperate herself from the action- and perhaps reaffirm "I love you, you're my good girl, I know you can do it, show me how good you can be" and instead of good whatever it is you want her to do.
Does that make sense?
My 52yo dh would also tell the door off It's a joke/diversion technique. And far, far better than trying to pick a quarrel with the people around because he is grumpy about banging his head, as many less mature people might be tempted to do.
ohfunnyface yes, it makes perfect sense; and semantics aren't silly at all - she's quite
touchy astute, so the way you phrase something makes all the difference in the world - as it does to the rest of us, of course.
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