9 year old stealing - help!

[leogaela]

a friend of mine has a 9 year old son who seems to have become a compulsive stealer. he knows its wrong but still does it. mostly he steals sweets - which he will seek out and find quite inventive ways to get hold of - but he has also been known to steal money and other small items. At the moment the parents think he is only stealing from them but are worried it will get worse.

He lives with his mother and stepfather. his father lives a long way away and he sees him holidays and occassional weekends. His school work has also gone down the pan although he is a bright boy.

Anyone experienced this or can help fathom out why he is doing this and how to stop him.

[leogaela]

Bump!

[Dustanyone]

Not really got any advice but bumping this for you anyway.

I'm sure someone will be along soon who can help

[leogaela]

Thanks! I told my friend that there would be sure to be someone here that could offer some words of wisdom!

[katyp]

My dd has also been a bit "light-fingered" with sweets and money she comes across in the house. She initially denied taking the money from dh's bowl where he puts his coins and keys when he comes home but finally admitted she had done it. I must say we came down pretty hard on her because a relative was like this as a child and it continued into adulthood, with the obvious consequences.

One of the things I have done is instigate a proper pocket money regime so she has a legitimate source of cash (providing she keeps her bedroom tidy!)

I tend to not keep sweets in the house btw

[leogaela]

Katyp - When you say you came down hard on her what do you mean? Did you find a reason for her stealing or was it just something she tried and did as long as she could get away with it?

[IamBlossom]

I reckon at age 9 they are old enough to be sat down and talked to about the consequences of their actions. Stealing is wrong, it's illegal, how would he like it if someone took his things without his permission, why does he think he's got the right to help himself to things that aren't his etc etc. By reasonably explaining how frowned upon it is by EVERYONE in normal society it might help to convey that it is not acceptable behaviour. Of course this then needs to be backed up with withdrawal of treats and privileges if he continues, but I would have thought it better perhaps to, within this discussion scenario, find out the underlying reasons for his beahviour - is it a cry for attention? Does he crave the focus he gets from his parents when they find out what he's done even if it is a bollocking? I am no psychologist, just wanted to open up the discussion cos I can tell you are worried, as is your friend.....

I used to nick the odd penny sweet from our local shop when I was about 11, more for the thrill of it than cos I wanted what I stole. Only did it once or twice till my sister caught me in the act and I was so embarrassed and humilated and scared she'd tell my mum and dad I never did it again.....

HTH

[leogaela]

He has been sat down and told that it is upsetting everyone and that it is wrong, but it doesn't seem to have an impact. The mother suffers from depression and seems to take it personally, she seems to think that he is stealing deliberately to upset her.

I too wonder if its an attention seeking thing. His father(who is my friend) asks him on the phone how he is and he tells him that he is fine except that he stole again.
His father is so worried that he has considered taking him to the police to talk to him (and shock him) and has also considered bringing him to live with him which may not solve any problems if it is an attention thing as it would mean moving country, language, away from mother, sister & step father. The father is single so the attention problem may also not be solved.

[shimmy21]

I think there are 2 reasons for childhood stealing. First is impulse -I want those sweets. I'll take them. The 2nd is due to an underlying unhappiness. It sounds very much as if this boy falls into the second camp. He is living with a depressed mum and only sees his dad occasionally. That alone is a recipe for emotional turmoil even if his mum is parents do their very best to make up for the situation. I would personally advise against coming down hard on him because this gives him the attention he is demanding. Talk of police etc only makes it sem all the more important and he is getting tons of his dad's undivided attention. My tactic would be calmly insisting that he makes up for everything he steals by writing apology letters, paying it back from pocket money etc. Keep the punishment aspect fair but low key. Then making darned sure that he gets loads of attention and praise for other things that go ok even if it's 'Wow you killed that baddy on the Play station really well -can you show me how you do that?'

IME when teaching stealing nearly always went hand in hand with low self esteem. You can't solve one problem without sorting the other.

[katyp]

For my dd I think it was an impulse thing, but obviously with the family history I was a bit worried so had a very serious chat with her - said that if adults did that sort of thing they could be sent to prison. BTW does anyone know if there is such a thing as Kleptomania really - I mean as in some sort of condition where people can't help themselves? Not thinking of dd as such but know (non-criminal) families where several kids have been light-fingered - wondered if it was an inherent thing or due to something in the upbringing?

[leogaela]

Shimmy - so your suggestion is giving him more attention and working out if/why his self esteem is low. What would you suggest for building his self esteem? He is also doing really badly at school, could it be possible that he is being bullied?

Katyp - how is your dd doing now? does she have clean fingers? Did you do other things to distract her or praise her for good behaviour or did she just get the message?
I don't know about Kleptomania but I am sure there are people htat argue it is a physiological condition and others would disagree, but the fact that there is a word for it indicates that it is a real condition.

[ahundredtimes]

Hmmm. My ds1,8, took change from around the house over quite a long time I think, until I finally caught him and explained to him in elaborate and awful detail how wrong it was to do this. We then instituted a money-for-chores scheme (outside of the tidy room/pocket money scheme in place every Saturday)so that if he needs or wants more money he can work to get it.
I think he did it because he COULD and because he thinks he's way cleverer than everyone else - he spins extraordinary lies for the same reason. Also, there is an element of getting-his-own-back I think, all of which ties in with the low self-esteem issue. If he knows I've hidden sweets, then he will set himself the task of finding them and taking them without my knowing. He gets caught eventually of course. SO I suggest your friend doesn't allow this to become an attention-seeking issue (which it sounds as though it is), is very clear about the consequences of him doing it, and then very quickly finds lots of things to praise him about and big-him-up fast. Can't help feeling that for my ds1 too it is an act of rather sad and angry defiance - and quite a good one for bright children who are trying to gain some element of control - though doing it badly and wrongly of course.
Shine a bright light on him and don't let him think that he's doing this because he is as bad a person as he suspects he might be. Tell him he's great, a star and a huge help to her!
Hope this helps!

[leogaela]

thanks all for your help here. I have passed hte comments on to my friend who was very impressed! It made him htink about it more rather than panic about it. He is going to talk to the mother about hwat they should do. And to his son who visits him next week.