toddler politics - advice / suggestions needed

[ehmumbo]

My DD is 3 and my good friend's DD is 2.5
They have always seen a lot of each other. For the last few months friend's DD has been lashing out at my DD in particular.
At first I thought she would grow out of it but she is becoming more violent - biting, punching, hairpulling - she has begun to leave marks on DD.

My friend is mortified and always tells her DD off. However am starting to feel like a bad mum for letting my DD be in this position - she doesn't retaliate and always forgives her - am worried that she will think that it's ok for someone to do this to her. So anyway, I suggested we keep them apart for a couple of weeks to see if it helps. We live in a small village and will bump into one another at the playground etc but just thought it would be an idea to lay off the intense playdates for a while.

My friend is now mega offended and says I am overreacting.

I have always tried not to criticise her parenting style and end up spending time reassuring her that it is just a phase that she will grow out of. Just can't bear to see my little one in tears any more and asking why her friend has hurt her.

Has anyone else had this problem? If so what did you do?

[MrsCantSayAnything]

It's not "her friend" it's your friends DD and you did the right thing. If your friend is so silly, that's her problem.

Is it her only child?

[DialMforMummy]

Erm, yes, my child is the violent one in our case. He bites or hits his best mate on a regular basis. They are at nursery together and we get together as well when the boys are not in nursery.
I completely understand where you are coming from and actually was thinking of maybe suggesting to DS's friend's mum to keep the boys away from each other when they are not at nursery together.
Saying that, I am not sure what it will achieve apart from making sure that at least the friend is not hurt by my DS... Ultimately, DS must change his behaviour.
I am hoping that DS will grow at of it and hopefully talking will help improve things. Ds is sternly disciplined overtime he is misbehaving.
I don't think you are overreacting, have you asked your friend how she'd feel if the shoe was on the other foot?
It is a tricky situation, no doubt.

[ehmumbo]

yes it's her only child
Feel bad that i've upset my friend.
But the feeling i should protect my child is stronger.
Just wondering what other people have done in same situation really.

[ehmumbo]

Thanks for your response DialM - will ask how she would feel if shoe was on the other foot. have tried to put myself in her position and tbh think id suggest the same.

also I would rather be honest with my friend about what i'm doing - i.e didn't want to start avoiding her without explanation.

Have you found anything in particular helps with your sons behavior?

[DialMforMummy]

Not really. He is sent to the naughty corner with a stern explanation as to why. It normally happens over fight for toys, they always want the same toys and sometimes the friend snatches them from DS hence DS retaliate.
DS is just 2 so a bit younger than your friend's DD.

[cashmere]

Maybe try modelling what her daughter should do rather than react physically eg say 'I'm playing with that', 'you can have it next' etc if it us mostly an issue around sharing. I've noticed that this seems to be a big trigger and some children react physically whereas others whinge, scream, run away, throw.

Just a thought as if your friend is in panic mode she might not be thinking rationally and could be solely focused on telling off her daughter.

You could also help by being involved in the kids play so your friend is also ready to intervene- as opposed to feeling that she needs to sit back and chat whilst waiting for an incident.

[PoisonMountain]

That sounds like my DS. Ever since DD has started to move around, he hits her and grabs toys off her, he has also started doing the same to the children at his nursery. He is not yet 3, but is 103cm and 18kg so even when he doesn't push hard he can do some damage. We do the same as nursery, corner, explain what he did wrong and give attention to DD. But it is horribly embarrassing, especially at playgroups etc and I really truly hope it is a phase. I don't know what else to do about it. I try and watch him like a hawk, but with a baby to watch as well, I don't always get there in time.

Have you tried telling her DD off? Maybe she would take more notice if it comes from someone other than mummy. Certainly, we see this in our playgroup. The adult who sees something tells the child off and they usually take more notice when it's not their mum!