CP involved over DS's claims about DP.

(12 Posts)
PuddingsAndPies Wed 07-Nov-12 15:00:25

Hi, I'm feeling completely thrown by this particular issue & am looking for some handholding & advice.

DS is 3 & goes to nursery. DP is not his dad, but we live together. I have main custody of DS, but he stays with his dad every weekend.

On Monday I got a phone call from the nursery because DS had been asked if he'd had a nice weekend & he'd said no, because DP deliberately hurts him. I explained to the nursery that a) that would NEVER happen & b) could not have physically happened because DS was with his dad from Fri - Sun night & the couple of hours he did see DP, he was totally supervised by me and / or my family (bonfire event).

I had to sign a statement about this when I picked him u on Monday & DS admitted to the member of staff talking me through it that he'd just made it up as a story.

I have now received another phone call from the head of CP at the nursery, saying that DS has made two more 'disclosures' about DP (don't know what exactly) & it has now been referred on & to wait for a call from CP probably before the end of today.

To be clear, there is no way that DP would or could have done anything bad to DS. In fact he has always gone above & beyond what might have been expected of him, & has treated DS with nothing but love & patience.

So any ideas about what might happen now / why DS might suddenly be saying these things / anything else would be greatly appreciated. I'm feeling very shaken just at the moment. Thank you.

CajaDeLaMemoria Wed 07-Nov-12 15:04:39

My sister did this. It was an attention thing, although it took a long time for that to be appreciated, because everybody thought she had enough attention.

Some of her claims were ridiculous. That the foster dad had put her through the TV, that she'd been locked in the back garden and made to watch us eat through the window, that her clothes had been confiscated. Some were more real, and I can only imagine where she got the content from.

All were investigated. Our foster dad at the time was in a position of authority and was suspended pending the investigation. He was questioned hugely, and treated largely like nobody believed him.

I did get solved in the end. CP and SS have to investigate these things incase they are real. Hopefully they will quickly realise that what your DS is saying isn't real, and offer some help for his problems instead. My sister found the counselling beneficial - she had some on her own, giving her somewhere on her own to talk things through and have 1 on 1 attention with someone else, and some with my foster dad to reconcile them.

Although they kicked us out anyway, after that.

ChippingInLovesAutumn Wed 07-Nov-12 15:13:18

Caja - sad sorry they kicked you out, that's really sad.

Puddings - I'm sorry you are going through this, it might be hell. I think it's best though not to question DS or anything like that as you might be seen to be trying to influence him. I hope it gets sorted out quickly. Try to get your DP not to take it personally, children that small have no idea of the impact something like this will have on the adults, nor mean any harm - it's mostly an attention seeking thing when it's not true. I hope your DP is everything you believe him to be and your DS is just making it all up.

ChippingInLovesAutumn Wed 07-Nov-12 15:13:58

might must

PuddingsAndPies Wed 07-Nov-12 15:32:13

Caja, thanks for sharing that. I'm so sorry that it ended in them kicking you out sad How old was your sister at the time?

Chipping, I know that it's impossible for any of you (or CP!) to know what I'm saying about DP as a person is true. I know that many people are sure that everything's okay & it turns out that it isn't. But honestly, from an objective point of view there is no opportunity for these things to be true. DP works full time & DS isn't here at weekends. They only see each other for a couple of hours a day in a normal week, & I am there for it. & DS often asks for DP to play with him / read his bedtime story, etc. What DS has been saying at nursery is so at odds with how he is here.

I'm wondering whether it's stemming from something at his dad's house, although I have no idea what. But since the weekend not only has DS made the 3 claims, he's also weed himself twice (very unusual) & has started running into the road (completely unheard of for MONTHS) & generally being silly & disobedient.

I know that when we did handover, XP explained that DS had been hitting XP's girlfriend's son (also 3, & the girlfriend & other boy live with XP full time) & that the girlfriend was threatening to leave XP over it, etc. DS says that the other boy was pulling his hair first, and so on. I strongly suspect from this & other incidents that it's very much 6 of one & half a dozen of the other, but that the children are not necessarily sufficiently supervised (obviously I don't see what happens, and can only piece bits of other people's accounts together!)

So I'm wondering if DS is feeling unsettled for some reason to do with the weekend & is transferring it into this sphere - he does consider home with us to be almost a different world to that with his dad, & rarely references the other part of his life after the first hour or so of handover. But that's pure speculation anyway. It really does just make no sense though, & admittedly his behaviour HAS changed since the weekend in question!

ChippingInLovesAutumn Wed 07-Nov-12 15:37:14

Hopefully through all of this it will become clear what the problem is & hopefully resolved.

Are you happy with the arrangements as they are? I wouldn't be, I would hate not to have any weekends with DS. Have you talked to your Ex about having alternate weekends, it might benefit everyone.

PuddingsAndPies Wed 07-Nov-12 15:46:37

I am not totally opposed to the arrangements. For a while, we had a situation with 50/50 custody, but because XP & I now live quite a distance apart, it was an alternating 3/4 day 'chunk'. I got used to not seeing DS for days at a time sad I am a student at the moment, so DS is in full time nursery 3 days a week, but the other 2 days he's with me apart from his 3 hour free session (which he loves & I use to get work done), so that's a bit like our weekend.
I would like to have more time with him, but XP has always been quite stubborn about it. Either through love or being difficult (my opinion may be biased!). XP had DS for all of half term (last week in Oct here) so DP & I went on holiday so it wasn't too difficult being at home without him for that long (& I won't lie - it was the first proper holiday I've had in YEARS, & was nice apart from missing DS), & XP is also having DS for the run up to Christmas until Christmas Day at about 3. I try to be fair. I try to make the most of the situation (e.g. The holiday) but it is difficult. I miss DS, I want him with me (especially at Christmas!) & I'm not sure if DS is as happy with XP as he would be with us. Not least because of the ill-managed rivalry with the other boy who lives where 7 days a week & is therefore (understandably) very territorial.

PuddingsAndPies Wed 07-Nov-12 21:40:30

Just to update for now - didn't hear anything further today. I assume there'll be a phone call tomorrow. Possibly even a home visit, I'm not sure? Feeling totally under pressure to tidy up just in case. I suppose that's a silver lining...

ChippingInLovesAutumn Wed 07-Nov-12 21:54:26

P&P - fair enough, I suppose that might change when he starts school. I'd be a bit worried about DS not being happy there sad

Good luck for tomorrow, let me know how you get on.

PuddingsAndPies Tue 13-Nov-12 20:33:43

Quick update - nothing new to report other than somebody is visiting us at home on Friday afternoon. I have no idea what to expect sad

ChippingInLovesAutumn Tue 13-Nov-12 23:29:24

I don't know - sorry.

I guess a bit of a spring clean wouldn't hurt (not saying your place isn't already spotless, but you did bring it up grin) apart from anything, a bit of physical work is good to take your mind off things.

Hopefully you'll get someone nice, with some common sense - I'll certainly be crossing my fingers for you! Just try to remember they have to do their jobs to protect children who do need it, but first of all they need to work out who those children are. Hopefully you can show them it's not your DS and they might even be able to help you.

Eurostar Tue 13-Nov-12 23:40:24

Hopefully they will help to get to the root of why DS is unhappy. Maybe it's too hard to blame Dad for the distress he feels at his place. However, I do have a friend whose step father was nastily manipulative and abusive to him in secret, and to this day, some 40 years later, his DM and half siblings do not know as he is so protective of them and fears to hurt them with the revelation. his was in another country where no such thing as social services or child protection existed anyway. So I'm afraid that it does sometimes happen and they are right to be looking into this.

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