DD's relationship with her BF (both 4) is concerning me...

[chicagomum]

I have expressed concerns before about dd and her best friend (bf has bitten dd a couple of times bad language etc). I have tried to encourage dd to play with others at nursery (with moderate sucess). On friday dd went to nursery (having had hair cut the day before) and bf said her hair looks "disgusting". At the weekend dd was very rude and badly behaved, refusing to do as she was told, answering back and at one point punched me. I feel very strongly that she is picking up this behaviour from this other girl (who has bitten and hit other members of the class), but don't know what to do about it.

This evening dd came into the kitchen and showed me bite marks which she claimed bf did at nursery this pm. I have been at work all day but the nanny didn't mention anything about this (and the teachers are v. good about noticing and dealing with these things) plus they looked very (and I mean very) fresh. I asked her about what happened and she said she didn't want to say. I then confronted her and asked if it was true and she said no she did it herself (a few minutes before) but again wouldn't say hy but then wanted to go to bed so..

She is now tucked up in bed but I don't know what to make of it all. Any ideas?

[Slink]

Hi so sorry for what you are going through, i have add 4 in reception and she had simular in that a girl was picking on her and came home bad behaviour. Much of it you have to say thats what happens when they go to school but i try and say to dd that that for school and not home (make up break up grrrrr hate it)
But with the biting i think thats quite if not really serious i would speak to the teacher and say you want her to speak to the parents, if no joy i would chat to the parents, i know peole advice you not to but i have found that in my case i had too, teachers can only see and do so much. good luck let us know you got home. Big hugs to you little one xxxxxxxxx

[philippat]

by whose choice are they best friends? Do they only see each other at nursery? (is it full-day nursery and does she go everyday?) Will they be going to same school in Sept?

[chicagomum]

Teachers are aware of the biting and so is the girls mother who was very apologetic. I was bothered about dd's insistence of always playing with this girl, but am now cross that my dd (who to all intents and purposes) is well behaved is now being rude/talking back and becoming physically aggressive. Plus her biting herself and then blaming this girl (and refusing to discuss it) is worrying me even more.

[footiemad]

chigagomum,how awful for you,you must be worried sick.
Don't know if this will help but here goes.
A friend of mine had a similar situation with her Ds. So called "friend" biting, kicking under table at school, generally being a bit of a bully. Her Ds behaviour grew increasingly worse,started biting his brother and himself.When it all came to light and after much discussion,my friend thinks it was his way of telling her what was happening to him.

[Blu]

I think they experiment and role play a lot at this age. It may be that your dd is aware that she gets attention if she has been bitten, so thought she would try it out, for a bit of drama. It may be that she was trying out what it is to be her friend. DS similiarly 'tries out' not very good behaviour from his best freind - but it stops in the face of us being firm.

It's tricky, isn't it? Cuold you coach your dd to stand up to her bf - tell her to say 'no, don't do that!' very assertively, because the other thing they seem to get into at this age is wanting to be very bossy and goody-two-shoes with each otehr.

Ask the nursery staff to very discreetly put them in different groups for different activities? If you are seen to be encouraging her to stay away from this freind, she will surely do her best to be freinds.

Does she seem generally happy and chirpy in herself?

[chicagomum]

It is a pre school nursey so she goes every day for a 2.5 hour session. They have preety much free play choosing which activities they want to do and they always play together. I was initially worried that dd was limiting the amount of frieds she had by always playing with just one (what if she was off ill/left the nursery etc who would dd play with?). But I am now more concerned that my well behaved child is turning into a deliquent. I have spoken to the teacher today when I dropped dd off and explained my concerns re her behaviour deteriorating and what she did last night and she (teacher) said she would endeavour to get dd involved with other children more. She was actually going to talk to me at the end of this afternoons session (I didn't pick dd up yesterday as I was at work) because she was also concerned about the change in dd's behaviour - she always used to comment on how polite/helpful/well behaved dd was at school.

I don't want to be ott about this and select who dd can and can't associate with, but this girl has been threatened with exclusion if the biting continiued and I don't want dd to be in that position if this continues.

[footiemad]

I always think that if your child shows unusual behaviour, there is usually an explanation for it.Be it silly or serious. You know your own child, if you think there is something not quite right you must try to find the cause. Keep talking to the teacher, you don't have to make a big deal about it. Keep an open ear to Dd.
Maybe you could try some role play with dolls,pretend there at school, Use their real names,see what she does?