Clingy stage - how long did it last with yours?

[snowleopard]

DS is nearly 9mo and has just got incredibly clingy - seems like overnight. He only wants me, even DP isn't good enough, and cries if I leave the room. So of course, having loved nursery for the first few weeks, he now cries when I leave him there too. :( Just would like to know how this panned out with other people's kids...?

[fastasleep]

Mine's 2 and he still cries and has tantrums when I leave the room, for the whole time I'm not there.

I think he's abnormal though SIGH

[WideAwake]

Only cos he knows your a soft touch DW

[snowleopard]

I know that's a joke but... here is my perennial parenting dilemma (and everyone's I supose) - I can never decide when to go with the tough love and don't be soft and all that - and when to feel sorry for DS and do what he wants.

He's at that age where he's no longer a tiny baby who needs every desire met... he will have a strop over something like having his cardie put on and I know he just has to put up with it. And I have started telling him no when he pinches me, etc. But with things like this - I don't want to be heartless and cruel, and nor do I want to be one of those doormat mothers who rush to their child's every whim and the child ends up a bit spoilt/confused about boundaries (delete as per amount of supernanny watched!).

I just feel awful when he wails when I walk away and his little face looks so betrayed...
God I'm a wimp [despair]

[hunkermunker]

Just be consistent and give lots of cuddles, etc when you are there. They get used to pretty much anything, honestly.

Play lots of peek-a-boo games where you leave the room for a few seconds, then come back all smiles, and make the period of time you leave for longer each time.

[Distracted]

You know whichever approach you take you'll always feel like it's the wrong one (or I always do). If I take the tough love approach I start feeling that I'm being really unfair and he's far too young to understand or behave any differently. If I give in to my ds, then I start worrying that I'm spoiling him and he's going to grow up to be a spoilt brat! You feel that parental guilt whatever you do I think.

Sorry that's not what you wanted to hear! My dd (now nearly 4) didn't grow out of this phase for a very long time and still sometimes cried when I left her at nursery until she was 3, and got v. clingy when I went to people's houses. However, it did become just a behavioural thing and she loved nursery and often didn't want to come home in the evenings. Ds (now 17 months) started this phase at about 9 months and it broke my heart as well leaving him at nursery, but he has grown out of it fairly quickly. He's now fine to leave at nursery in the mornings (except the odd morning) and thoroughly enjoys himself (he's hesitant going into the room usually, but that's all). Can't quite remember when he stopped though - had stopped after christmas I think, and he was 14-15 months then & maybe had stopped a bit before this. Sorry to be rather vague, my memories disappear so quickly these days!

[blueshoes]

My dd was clingy from birth with major separation anxiety setting in at 5 months. By 9 months, it was slightly better and she would let herself be carried by grandma for 30 minutes (happened once!). At 2.5 years, she reliably will notice when I leave a room within 30 seconds, and will start to call for me and come and get me if I don't respond or even if I reassure that I am just going to another room for a while. Yes, it will escalate to crying if I don't come back but it does not usually get to that stage.

She goes to nursery fulltime since 18 months, building up from 2 morning sessions at 13 months. She has periods of crying at the drop off and periods where she happily goes to carers with a kiss for mummy. But generally, she settles within minutes once I am gone.

snowleopard, check with the carers how long ds cries for after you are gone and how he is generally in nursery. Just a matter-of-fact kiss goodbye and smile is all you need before you leave the room. It breaks your heart to see them cry but it is very likely he is fine once you are gone.

As for clinginess, in my dd, it was more than a phase, it is part of her make up. She is just generally a people person and very attached to mummy and daddy. At home, I go to her most of the time, even if it means I have to work around her to get any work done around the house (usually very little once I have picked her up from nursery). I have no fears of spoiling her - from crying hysterically when I leave the room, she is now calm and starts with "mummeeee" before looking for me and grabbing me by my hand to pull me back to her.

I don't believe in all this supernanny business or that I am being soft. As a parent, I am there to meet dd's needs. Once he is ready to go into his own world, I have no doubt your ds would get over his separation anxiety. In the meantime, reassuring him with your presence (at home) will give him the confidence to move on sooner.

[LIZS]

Sorry - started at 5 months improved at 2 ish (started playgroup) but still not completely unclingy at 4 1/2. Think it is now a habit and a power thing but what to do ?

[ja9]

eh.. think we're still at this stage and ds is 18mths.

it's the pits sometimes

will watch with interest...

[fastasleep]

Well at least my DS isn't that weird

What I'd give to have a pee in peace during the day though!

'Mama's Weewee mama! Oooh weewee!'

followed by the joyful cries of 'dirty nappy dirty nappy! No, doctor! Doctor!' when I'm on my period... sigh!!!!

[snowleopard]

Thanks all! HM, he loves peekaboo so will work on that. Distracted, it does help to hear you share that dilemma. And blueshos, I instinctively agree about being there to meet their needs - I want to go to DS and be there to hug him; I don't freeze him out. But I have known mothers with toddlers (always boys interestingly, though that could just be chance) who seem to completely rule them... which can't be good for them either (the kids I mean, not just the exhausted mums!)

At our nursery, there is a nap room next to the baby room and it's possible to sneak into it through another door and peep at the babies without them seeing - the nursery manager takes me to do this when I have left DS, and I don't leave until I see him playing happily. And you're right it usually doesn't take long. Still feel I'm betraying him though... :(

Though he's only 9mo it really feels at the moment as if DS is changing from a baby to a little boy - he seems to be suddenly so much more aware of everything and so determined to take control. I adore him and don't mind this change at all - it's exciting to see him change - but today I caught myself thinking how much I'd like another tiny wee baby because I already miss baby DS!

[Clure]

My DD (13 months) goes to nursery 3 days a week and is absolutely fine but in last week or so have noticed more and more crying when I leave the room. Also now crying when put her down for daytime nap where previously went down no trouble.

Had bad night last night where woke up crying (maybe teething??!) and wouldn't settle herself - I went in and she screamed house down when I went out of room. Have never left her to cry but feel now I may have to try controlled crying or the kinder version where you don't actually leave room. Otherwise feel she may never be able to go to sleep again on her own! hoping this is an isolated incident and she will go back to being able to settle herself or will be ok if I nip in and pop her dummy back in - we shall see!