Extreme rudeness - help

[Bee]

I am so ashamed, I could cry. My son (6) has been pretty rude, no horrendously rude, to our au pair for the last six weeks or so. He was fine when she arrived, then the honeymoon wore off. He can be awful with us too, in the home, but his teachers and friends' parents all say he is an absolute joy to have around.

The au pair has tried hard to be both firm and nice to him (and underneath it all I have a feeling he is fond of her) but she is at the end of her tether, and tells me, politely, that I have to sort out his behaviour and she cannot work with rude and ill-bred children. I have no magic answers, find him frustrating myself, and I am beside myself with worry and anger. Torn between loyalty to my son and embarrassment at the way he behaves to someone else living in our home.

Please can anyone help? - do you know of anywhere we can go for help eg in behaviour management? Or something? Anything?

[Chanelno5]

Poor you, Bee. It is awful when your children let you (and themselves) down in this way, and you really can't understand why they are doing it. My ds too, is great at school, but at home can be rude to dh and myself, usually fairly harmless stuff like answering back, not doing as he's told and also mimicking now, which we can deal with. He can also be a bit like this with his grandparents and certain other people that he knows very well (and likes). This leads me to think that he pushes his luck and tests the boundaries with us and these others because at the end of the day, he knows that we (and them) love him very much, and no matter how awful he is, he would never be 'kicked out on the streets'. Perhaps now your son feels comfortable and secure with your au pair, he is treating her like this too! (In a strange sort of way, it's a bit of a compliment to her!)

Also, I've noticed that since he started school in September (he's 5, by the way) his behaviour at home has got a bit worse. Me and dh put this down to the fact that the strain of being so good at school all day means that when he is at home he has to lent the pent-up mischievious out, afterall, he is only 5. We think (hope) that as he grows up, and with our firm handling, this phase will pass. Do you think this may be similar for your son?

Hope my suggestions might reassure you a bit. Do you think you could give some examples of his rudeness and I may beable to help further? But don't despair, he certainly isn't the only child in the world to act like this, so I'm sure the others will come up with some good ideas.

[Joe1]

Bee, I have had the same thing with the children I look after, although they are a little bit older. It does get better, I believe they were testing. I have tried different tactics, some worked and some didnt. The best one has been to ignore the bad behaviour completely. Another one I am trying and seems to be working is if I get spoken to badly or tempers start I tell them to go upstairs and not to come back down until they can be the nice people I really like doing things with. So really it is up to them how long they stay up there, 2 minutes or 2 hours, they dont stay up there long and we get back to what we were doing. It is hard, it really got to me at one time. But children do do this and not rising to it really goes along way. Good luck.

[Tigermoth]

Yes, it does sound like your son is letting off steam and testing his limits at the moment. Starting school and gettng used to a new au pair into the bargain could be unsettling him as well.

I find that when my son is rude, this can be due to some underlying tiredness. A school day is pretty hectic - I remember my son's reception year teacher saying how she was faced with all these dozy little ones each afternoon. Have you thought of moving your son's bedtime forward?

I have to say that when I encouter 'attitude' in my son, I do exactly as Joe does. I tell him I won't have 'attitude' and very firmly send him up to his room until he can be nice again. I prefer to tell him when he can come down. But, if he appears 10 minutes later and looks suitably 'nice' I might let him stay downstairs if he does a small household task.

[Tigermoth]

Ooops sorry, I see that your son is 6 not 5, Bee, so he's not new to school. My first suggestion may not be as valid, then.

[Robinw]

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[Bee]

The latest is that the au pair handed me a letter last night (because she was not confident enough enough in English, which I completely sympathise with) which basically says that she thinks my children are badly behaved, ill-bred and rude. She feels that we should have brought them up to be more respectful. This makes things much more difficult for us. On the one hand we absolutely do not condone his behaviour. On the other, he is still only 6, and we know he can behave well because everyone else says so! We have to work together (both me, DH and au pair) on strategies to improve his attitudes at home. If she can't be committed to that then I will just feel criticised all the time and the arrangement won't work.

[TigerMoth1]

Poor you Bee, you're having a hard time aren't you! Do you feel a bit caught in the middle between you son and the au pair?

The letter sounds a bit on the harsh side, but then if her English is not good her choice of words isn't going to be perfect.

As you say, you most definitely don't condone your son's behaviour, but it's so important to feel that your au pair is committed to helping you improve things, not just quietly seething away at the injustice of it all!

Perhaps the task is simply beyond her - it must he hard for her to tackle your son's rudeness if she can't speak good English. And IMO personal chemistry shouldn't be under estimated. My son is always better behaved amongst adults who like him and get on well with him. Yes, they discipline him too, but he can much more easily accept it from them.

Is she your first au pair? has your son been OK with others?

From what you've said, it looks like you may have to call it a day with this one.

[robinw]

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[Bee]

Yes we have sat down and said that we think his behaviour is unacceptable, and we would like to work with her to find ways of making it better, whether its a combination of rewards and punishments or whatever. She kind of shrugged and she said it would not work but she would follow our instructions. I can't see this one ending happily, but I find it so sad. We have had three nannies (each for two years, each still a family friend) and this is our third au pair (each stayed for the full year) and its never been like this. DH and I had a long talk today and maybe we have to stop delegating childcare to someone else and I should stop work/change my hours.... I know this might make my son feel he has 'won' but if what he really wants/needs is a parent at home maybe we should listen to that. The whole childcare thing is such a nightmare, maybe its just not worth it. I feel so confused and stressed out about it. I feel whatever I do I am a crap mother.

[ChanelNo5]

Bee - You're not a crap mother, it's just a case of working out what's best for you and your family. It's not an easy decision to make, as what works for someone doesn't work for someone else, so good luck. You know that all of us on Mumsnet are hear to listen and support you.

[SueDonim]

Bee, please don't do yourself down. Maybe the difficulty is simply one of chemistry and your little boy just doesn't like the au pair? Even at such a tender age, personality clashes occur and it isn't anyone's fault. Hope you can find a solution soon.

[Bee]

The au pair has decided to leave after Christmas, which I think is what we knew would happen. In some ways it will be a relief not to feel such awful tension in the house, and also to be able to work to improve my son's behaviour without feeling I am being judged all the time. On the other hand, I haven't the faintest idea what we are going to do. I can't face another au pair right now, so we may have to start looking at out-of-school clubs. I have never really wanted the children to go there, and want them to be able to come home and chill out after a long day at school, but I guess everything is a compromise. What a draining experience. No-one said being a parent would be so hard sometimes!

Thanks for your support, SueDonim and ChanelNo5, and others.

[TigerMoth1]

Bee, just to say my son has attended two different after-school clubs. He first went when he was five years old. I can appreciate your concerns about lengthening the school day, but just to offer some reassurance, my son has largely enjoyed going to these clubs.

They have strengthened friendships he has made in school hours, and let him get to know some of the bigger boys and girls - raising his status in the school playground!

In bad weather, the indoor hall area gives him him space to let off steam, by playing indoor football and other group games. A definite plus in the winter. The atmosphere is much more relaxed and play-orientated than school, but discpline is just as firm.

[helenmc]

My girls all go to an after school care club - I send them with small packed tea, and now I'm getting compliants that I'm coming to pick them up too early!!!. A couple of years ago they had to go into the homework room and it was dreadful, ut thankfully things have greatly improved. On a different line of though, are there any other children that get picked up by a child minder, that he could go with ? have you also thought aout a male au-pair. Where my girls go riding, she has had several (ok so they help building stables etc) - but stick in there- and lets us know what you're going to do.