9 year old son.... sibbling rivalry?

[Tanya35]

Hello everyone, This is my first posting so here goes.
I have a 9 year old boy and boy/girl twins just turned 4.
My eldest boy was to be honest, perfect in everyway. We were very close, but everything was absolutely fine until his brother and sister were born. Since then, he has turned in to a monster and even now, 4 years later, he doesn't appear to be getting any better. Basically, he doesn't do as he is told, he back chats, he 'accidently' knocks the twins over and similar... anything to get attention or get them in to trouble. He is well behaved for everyone else to a point but he can try it on. He is however, well behaved at school, his work has gone down hill over the last couple of years going from the top of the class to barely above average. I've tried the nice approach, I've taken things off of him, done the naughty step and of course tried shouting which deffinately doesn't work. He has time every night with myself and his dad when the twins have gone to bed but he still doesn't get any better. I'm sure I'm not a bad person but thats how I'm beggining to feel.... has anyone gone through a similar experience or is this simply 'normal' for his age? Any advice would be gladly taken on board.

[Kbear77]

Hi Tanya35,
Whilst I'm not exactly in the same boat as you - I can relate to a lot that you have said. I have two boys, aged 9 and 7.
I think it's a fairly normal scenario for the eldest to strive for attention more so than their younger siblings. Perhaps they feel that any new additions to the family are an invasion rather than an inclusion and see them as a threat to their 'territory' as they see it - they were, after all...here first! They are less likely to want to share too.
My 9yr old often eggs on his little brother in attempt to get him into trouble. He tries to do things quietly. We know this and see it all the time, even catching him in the act and he still blankly denies it!!!
Lying can be a bit of a problem too, even when we have evidence and present it to 9yr it's incredibly hard to get him to admit to it.
My 7yr one can get quite vocally loud in annoyance with him when asking him to stop and not do things etc. 9yr old knows that this bugs us no end and we tell 7yr old to cut it out. But we know what 9yr old was up to anyway. It's often a no win situation.
They are, honestly, quite good kids. When you have them seperately you could almost call them angles! but they definately aren't perfect...but neither am I for that matter
Hubby and I try confiscating things, but which ever one of them is playing up - they don't seem to learn from it.
We've tried countless times having good conversations about behaviour and stuff. Both boys are old enough to understand what we are saying, 9yr especially. They say they understand and 'wont do it again' but 10 minutes later you're back to square one.
They can be fabulous for anyone/everyone else too, which makes you sound like the meanie when you say about what they've done or been up to.
Their little minds are clever at manipulation. They will always try and play one parent against the other - even though it doesn't work. We even tell them that if it works and we find out they'd be in trouble...but the message never seems to get across.
I keep telling my boys, eldest especially - I was a kid once too! I remember what it was like - I know what you're doing, I know what you're thinking because I done it, thought it and felt it too. (generally speaking that is, y'know)
My sister has girls, 8yr and 4yr. She experiences much the same things with her 8yr in general as well as how 8yr treats 4yr.
My 9yr talks back quite a lot and it drives me insane.
Someone once told me little kids little problems big kids bigger problems. But I think we will have challenges of equal measure all along. Parenting certainly isn't an easy job!
Even though it's hard to convince myself at times...I assure you - you're not a bad person!!!

[MadWitch]

Aged 9 he's just testing the boundaries and the twins are an easy target as he know you will react. Have you tried getting him involved in clubs that are "his". Mine are differing in age but B/G twins aged 12 and son with "conditions" aged 11. I got them all involved in different activites - you know Cubs, Scouts, Guides etc and they each get their own time. I've got my own plus a fostered one of 7 so have had many of the same problems (youngest has been here since she was 18 months so might as well be mine anyhows!)

Even if you can only give each one 5 mins personal time a day it makes a huge difference! I've personally found bedtime is ideal - we have a 9pm bed - 9.30 lights out rule and I use this 30 mins to have a few minutes alone with each child to ask them about their day and anything that is nothering them. Its normally gone 10 before the lights actually go out but this time is very rewarding for all!

Hope you find your own solutions and answers!