Am I a mean mummy if I hold firm?

[Earlybird]

DD (just turned 5) is engaging in all sorts of testing the boundaries/control shenanigans, and there has been a good deal of friction between us off/on for the past few weeks.

Tonight at the supper table she got so overwrought about something she wanted me to do (read a story to her at the table, which I declined to do), that she ate only about half her supper. I also didn't sit with her and coax her to eat, as I sometimes do. The end result is that she is now whinging that she's hungry. Yes, it simply might be a bedtime delay tactic or, she could in fact, be hungry. I told her that I was sorry about it but that she wouldn't be hungry if she had eaten her supper properly. Also told her that now she will just have to wait until breakfast.

Am I being mean, or is this a time to hold firm to make my point?

[LIZS]

I do that all the time with dd who is 4 1/2. She eats as much as she wants, but I'll normally eat with them to encourage it along. If she does it again tomorrow then remind her what happened today. Have to say it helps knowing dd had a lunchtime meal at school so get less stressed about her food intake than I used to.

[gingernutlover]

will she get you up in the night?

[Earlybird]

Mmmmm - don't think she'll get me up in the night saying she's hungry. At least, it's never happened before.

[brimfull]

I do this with my ds 3.5 yrs regularly.He wakes up starving.
However the fact that we do it regularly probably means it doesn't actually work very well.

just realised this

[charliecat]

When my dds refuse to eat a decent amount of food I warn them that thats it, there will be no more and its tough if they are hungry later.
DD 8 is just starting to eat a few more mouthfuls on this warning. DD2 never seems to mind, she 5, but she doesnt hassle me later. DD1 at that age would have screamed blue murder for something later on.

[saadia]

Ds1, just turned 4 has started doing this. I put him to bed (after eating the same amount at dinner that he normally eats) yesterday and today he said he was hungry and wanted milk so I gave it to him. In ds's case it may be a growth spurt as he did eat his dinner although I did tell him he should have eaten his dinner properly.

Personally I don't like to let them go hungry. I know many people see this as bad practice but with my ds I know he will never eat a large amount at any meal so if I didn't feed him extra when he asks he will be permanently eating less than he should - if any of that makes sense.

You say your dd has been testing boundaries. Even then I would say just go with it and let her eat if she's hungry but give her limited and healthy options. All my doctor friends really worry about their kids' eating and say that as they're growing they should never be deprived when hungry.

[KenningtonKitty]

Definitely stand firm - No you are not being mean you are just teaching her cause and effect

We have Food Rules stuck to the fridge for our 3.5 year old dd and they have worked well - they include no distractions at mealtimes such as reading books, playing on computer etc.....and no snacks later if she doesn't eat her meal - she waits until the next meal - However, it is important to remember that what we may see as reasonable may be different for a small persons tummy (DH is always telling me off for putting too much on DD's plate - she is only 20% of our size) !

Oooh I sound like a tough Mum !

[Spidermama]

Well done earlybird. You stand your ground. I know it's hard but you have to play the long game in these situations. She'll survive.

[FrannyandZooey]

I am never happy about using food as a disciplinary issue, in any way. I know she is seeing the consequences of her actions but I am not sure that enforcing adult rules of meal times is necessarily a good thing, and it seems unecessarily punitive for her to have to go without food. In theory I agree with you about standing firm, in practice I would not send a child to bed hungry when there is food to be had in the house.

[MarsOnLife]

Personally.... hold firm! Giving in simply means that they up the ante next time.

[puddingandpie]

Let's face it she is not going to starve. She is 5 years old. It is very hard to do i gave in and gave my 4.5 an apple in bed I know. So it is one thing to say hold firm another thing to take your own advice. let us know the outcome good luck. My d/d ate her dinner tonight but apple in bed is not good .

[Earlybird]

Thanks for your thoughtful replies. She went to sleep almost immediately, and hasn't made a sound since.

It's hard to know what's right when you're in the midst of the situation. Of course, I don't like the fact that she didn't eat much supper and then said she was hungry. But, I also want her to understand that while Mummy responds to her needs/reasonable requests, she can't order Mummy around.

We're definitely in the midst of a power struggle with lots of demands, willfulness and arguments from her on most everything. Tonight I made a judgement call to stand firm. Truth be told, if she hadn't been so difficult recently, I probably would have gotten her some bread/butter or another small snack. Hopefully, she'll allow me to be softer/more sympathetic sometime soon because that's much more the sort of mum I want to be. Or is that sending mixed messages, that are likely to confuse her? Oh, this parenting lark is not easy!!

[nannyme]

I think you are doing just fine - certainly not being mean, just showing considered parenting with the child's best interests at heart.

[FrannyandZooey]

I do see where you are coming from but personally I feel that asking for food when you are hungry is always a reasonable request and should not be denied. I would give something very boring in that situation of course, bread and butter as you suggested, or a banana?

I think in general it is fine to compromise and negotiate at times when you feel it is appropriate. You felt last night that you needed to stand firm at that point in time, but there needn't be hard and fast rules for everything - life isn't like that. I think as long as your general attitude and standards are consistent you don't have to sweat every small thing like a sergeant major. It shouldn't be a constant battle between you and your children with you scared to 'give' an inch. Try giving a looser rein perhaps and see if you both feel more comfortable? You are obviously a thoughtful and loving parent, you can't go far wrong in my opinion if you have those basics in place!

[saadia]

I do agree with F&Z but would just like to second the view about no hard and fast rules. Parents know their own children better than anyone so I'm sure that in any given situation you will make a decision and, based on your child's personality and behaviour, you will have a feel for what the consequences will be.

So for some parents, the food issue and saying no to snacks if their children don't eat dinner will reap rewards in that their children will eat better at mealtimes.

But, for some children like my own, I know that if they are asking for food they must be very hungry and it will serve no purpose to deny them.

I think we all have to just do our best based on our circumstances.